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Newest Member: Anderson78

Reconciliation :
Hold me tight

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 phoenix54 (original poster member #36574) posted at 7:56 PM on Tuesday, January 22nd, 2013

Anyone have experience with the book "Hold me tight" by Sue Johnson? The book looks at emotionally focused therapy and is based on attachment theory.

We just started reading this together and it looks promising. Anyone else?

BH: 47 (me)
WW: 45
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 20 years
Reconciled

posts: 438   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2012
id 6187117
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 phoenix54 (original poster member #36574) posted at 4:07 PM on Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

bump

BH: 47 (me)
WW: 45
11 month PA/EA
4 children
D-day: 5/4/12
Married: 20 years
Reconciled

posts: 438   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2012
id 6188018
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rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 4:28 PM on Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

Phoenix - I have this and have read it but I'll need to refer back to it tonight when I'm home to make a recommendation. I believe it's for those who have been neglected or abandoned as children and how to form bonds with others as an adult if something like this was missing from your childhood.

I think it involves intimacy and those who say they want it but push it away...

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6188042
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Jospehine85 ( member #35971) posted at 4:32 PM on Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013

We are reading it too.

WHs IC recommended it for us. It definitely nails my primary problem with our marriage: I do not feel safe sharing or expressing any emotions with my WH.

I am a little surprised the IC recommended it as the Introduction explicitly states it is not for couples in an abusive relationship. Maybe she just isn't quite "getting" the fact that WH is an abuser (emotional and verbal).

I can definitely see where it could help non-abuse couples break unhealthy behavior patterns. It also seems to be helping my WH understand how his abusive behaviors caused everyone in his life to detach from him and why.

It is making me a little sad reading it though as it makes me realize how many years I have lived in a terribly unhealthy environment.

Out of curiousity Phoenix, did you take the quiz in the first chapter? The one about A.R.E. and your feelings of safety with your spouse? And do you mind sharing how many questions you answered "false" to?

We took it. My husband only answered false to a few of the questions (and I could predicte exactly which ones). He was stunned to learn I answered false to all of them.

Me - BS
WH - old
Kids
Dday May 2012

posts: 1598   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2012
id 6188044
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FightingBack ( member #34770) posted at 6:50 PM on Monday, February 17th, 2014

I have finally realized the need for some IC. I have chosen a therapist who has studied with Johnson and actually holds couples retreats called "Hold Me Tight".

I was thinking about ordering this book.

Are there any comments from others who have read this?

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

posts: 1459   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2012
id 6689507
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Morhurt ( member #40166) posted at 6:55 PM on Monday, February 17th, 2014

My IC loaned me her copy and we're reading it. Unfortunately my H reads it aloud to me and the sound of his voice is so soothing and I have so much general stress and fatigue that I fall asleep every time. So I guess you could say he is reading it and I'm sleeping peacefully on his chest.

But I do want to read it, I think it sounds very interesting.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

posts: 1127   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6689516
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FightingBack ( member #34770) posted at 6:57 PM on Monday, February 17th, 2014

Wow! Sounds like it is worth buying just so that I could actually fall asleep!

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

posts: 1459   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2012
id 6689518
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Morhurt ( member #40166) posted at 7:06 PM on Monday, February 17th, 2014

..

Wow! Sounds like it is worth buying just so that I could actually fall asleep!

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

posts: 1127   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6689530
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sad81712 ( member #37418) posted at 7:53 PM on Monday, February 17th, 2014

My WH and I read the book and went to a Hold me Tight weekend workshop. I think it was very helpful for us to open up and talk about difficult things. It also made us look at FOO issues.

"Pain is mandatory for all of us. It's what teaches us. Suffering is what's optional. That's what happens when we try to skip over the pain."-Glennon Doyle Melton
BW(me)-52 WH-51
Married 25yrs
DD & DS
D-day 8-2012

posts: 163   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2012
id 6689584
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Morhurt ( member #40166) posted at 7:56 PM on Monday, February 17th, 2014

I'm curious about these couples retreats, I'll be googling...

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

posts: 1127   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6689590
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silentscream13 ( member #41693) posted at 7:58 PM on Monday, February 17th, 2014

I have not read it, but I now have another book to put on WH and I reading list! Since my IC says I have massive FOO abandonment and trust issues this might be a good read for me.

Thank you for bringing it to my attention!

ME: BS HIM: WS - lostmymind13; Sexting,OEA/NO PA (planning it b/f he got caught) w/ EX-GF; extreme porn use our entire relationship; Alcoholic (sober). D-day - 11-14-13 Together (on DDay):17 yrs (now):27-yrs; 4 Kids; Status: Reconciled...mostly

posts: 356   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2013   ·   location: Nowhere and Everywhere
id 6689591
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SoVerySadNow ( member #36711) posted at 8:28 PM on Monday, February 17th, 2014

WH read it (and I think it was recommended by his IC) so maybe he will jump on this thread and talk about it. He has significant FOO issues and has empathy and bonding issues.

We've talked through several of our relationship sticking points with the view of the book in mind- seems helpful.

Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

posts: 1292   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Sunny Florida
id 6689632
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