Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!
As you can read on SI, these reactions are unfortunately common for the BS, however, I struggle a little with the diagnosis. This is not meant to be loading further hurt onto you or saying I dont believe you. I just am a little sceptical of therapist's in general at times. See ten different ones, you will get ten different answers.
I work in a field with PTSD survivors. I am a BS like yourself. I do not however consider myself to have PTSD, even though I have had, and still do experience -terrible distress.
In my field, true PTSD can only occur when one feels that their life is under threat...for instance when at war, during terrible natural disasters eg. Fires, tsunami...etc.
I am aware that people can exhibit symptoms of PTSD though, and can react to triggers, but this is not a firm diagnosis and I feel conflicted when I hear that another therapist diagnose PTSD.
Here in Aus, only psychiatrists are qualified to diagnose this disorder, and that is after thorough assessments.
Like you I was told that,I too have PTSD, but as I have clients who are suffering this terrible disorder, I took it with a grain of salt. I am distressed, yes. But I do not have the same level of distress as them. Not even close.
My advice would be to not focus on the diagnosis, but to try to alleviate the severity of the distress.
We BS are traumatised, but I do see a difference between our distress and the distress of those that have witnessed their whole families being killed in front of them, or been witness to people being tortued or executed.
True PTSD usually needs to be medicated and they usually are required to be treated in a hospital, especially at onset, and recovery requires on average at least 5 yrs of intense therapy.
Those with PTSD cannot work, remember the traumatic events, or function in the family unit for years, sometimes forever.
I hope that you can begin to heal well before the 5 year mark.
Sending you strength.
This article outlines the difference between life traumas, and outlines what is traumatic enough to warrant PTSD, by the definitions of "trauma" and the DSM legalities of "traumatic." By the end of this post, you will understand where many physicians go wrong in their diagnosis of PTSD, interpreting for themselves the variation of what is "traumatic enough" to warrant PTSD.
A Traumatic Event
In life we all face crises, large and small, ranging from the loss of a wallet to the death of a loved one. Yet these events, although stressful and often called traumatic, are not considered true trauma. Trauma, in the technical sense of the word, refers to situations in which you are rendered powerless and great danger is involved. Trauma in this sense refers to events involving death and injury or the possibility of death and injury. These events must be unusual and out of the ordinary, not events that are part of the normal course of life. They are events that evoke a state of extreme horror, helplessness and fear; an event of such intensity and magnitude that they would overtax any human being’s ability to cope.
Examples range from the loss of jobs, or death of a parent, and even though these losses may change your life forever, these events are not considered traumas because they are expected life losses. However, instead of losing one family member, you lost several family members or friends in the one accident or natural disaster, you would then be considered a trauma survivor. Such simultaneous multiple losses are considered out of the ordinary and overwhelming.
How Do You Know if You’re Within a Traumatic Situation?
You are in a traumatic situation when you either know or believe that you may be injured or killed, or that others about you may be. For example, if a mugger says he will shoot you, you have every reason to believe you are in danger; thus you would be considered a trauma survivor. Now if the mugger says nothing but you sense from the look on their face or certain gestures that they are capable of murder, or for any other reason you believe your may die or be seriously injured during the mugging, you are also being traumatized, thus a trauma survivor.
PTSD can also develop in persons who witness trauma on a daily basis or are subject to near constant and unabated stress as part of their job. This statement holds true even for individuals who are carefully screened for mental health problems prior to admissions, such as emergency services, police, rescue workers, health care professionals, nurses and doctors. Nobody is immune when daily constant trauma is witnessed.
Trauma Means Wounding
Perhaps you have heard a doctor talk about head trauma, bone trauma or trauma to some other part of the body. On a physical level, trauma has two meanings. Firstly is that some part or particular organ has been suddenly damaged by a force so great that the body's natural protections (skull, skin, etc.) were unable to prevent injury. Secondly, trauma refers to injuries in which the body's natural healing abilities are inadequate to mend the wound without medical assistance.
Just as the body can be traumatized, so can the psyche, as outlined in guilt from trauma. Trauma refers to the wounding of your emotions, your spirit, your will to live, your beliefs about yourself and the world, your dignity and your sense of security. Assault on your psyche can be so great that your normal ways of thinking and feeling and the usual ways in which you once handled stress in the past are now inadequate.
Being traumatized is not like being offended or rejected in a work or love relationship. Such events can injure your emotions, your pride, and perhaps your sense of fairness, though they are not within the magnitude of trauma. During trauma you touch your own death, or the deaths of others. At the same time, you are helpless to prevent death or injury.
Depersonalization and Trauma
During trauma you are subject to a process called depersonalization. This refers to the stripping away of your personhood, your individuality and your humanity. At the moment of attack, whether the assailant is a mugger, rapist, enemy soldier or hurricane, you do not feel like a valuable person with the right to safety, happiness and health. At that moment, you feel more like a thing, a vulnerable object subject to the will of a power, or force greater than yourself.
When the assailant is a natural catastrophe, it can be explained away as an accident of fate, providing human error was not at fault; however, then the assailant is another person, and your trust in humanity, society and human beings in general is shaken or shattered entirely.
What is Traumatic Enough for PTSD Criterion A?
If you have suffered any of the below with helplessness, fear or horror, you have suffered a traumatic event. Remember, we are talking the worst of these events (example, escaped your burning house at near death, not just your house burned down). Have you been within a natural catastrophe such as an earthquake, fire, flood, hurricane, tornado, volcano, landslide or a dangerous dust storm / windstorm? Have you experienced a community or work related disaster such as an explosion or chemical spill? Have you ever lived in a refugee or concentration camp and / or been tortured? Were you ever sexually or physically assaulted by a stranger, group of strangers, family member or anyone else? Sexual assault includes fondling, molestation, oral, anal, vaginal sex or any other forced sexual activity. Physical assault includes any form of physical contact intended to intimidate or cause pain; being hit, slapped, thrown down stairs, beaten with fists or a weapon, stick, belt, club, gun or being threatened or attacked with a weapon. Were you physically maltreated as a child with excessive beatings or spankings? Were parents' or caretakers' disciplinary measures sadistic? For example, were you ever made to eat worms or insects, to stand nude in the cold or in front of others, to inure a pet, sibling or other person? Were you ever confined in a cage, closet or tied up? Were you deprived of adequate nutrition and medical care you needed? Have you ever witnessed the death, torture, rape or beating of another person in war or crime? Have you ever seen someone die or be badly injured in a car, airplane or other such accident? Has anyone within your family, or close friend, been murdered or committed suicide? As a child, did you ever witness the beating, rape, murder, torture or suicide of a parent, caretaker or friend? Have you ever been within a war and exposed to combat, enemy, friendly fire or atrocities? Have you ever been kidnapped, abducted, raped, burglarized, robbed or mugged? Were you ever injured in a burglary, robbery, mugging or other criminal episode; a car, boat, bicycle, airplane or other vehicle accident? Have you ever been involved within a situation in which you felt that you or a member of your family would be harmed or killed? (The criminal issue is whether at the time of the trauma you perceived the situation as life threatening to yourself or others.) Were you ever a member of a medical team, fire fighting team, police force, rescue squad or rescue operation that involved one of: danger to your safety and life; witnessing death and injury; making life and death decisions; or high stress working conditions with long hours and unsafe conditions (i.e., cleaning outside windows of high-rise buildings)?
I am not a qualified medical professional of any kind but would like to share my experience.
My dday was more than 2.5 years ago. Following it I experienced a range of horrible consequences.
I lost so much self esteem and confidence. I became obsessed with my physical appearance - feeling that I didn't measure up to his OWs. I couldn't eat, sleep, had horrific nightmares involving FWH and his OWs every night and triggered many times a day. I obsessed about the A's and thought of nothing else from the time I woke in the morning until I went to sleep at night. Even when I did sleep, I would wake often (sometimes every half hour)and the first thing that came into my mind was the A's.
I had rages and sobbing fits several times a week in the first few months and at least weekly after that.
I sometimes literally collapsed onto the floor.
Although I continued to function in a high pressure job I was miserable all day. All I wanted to do was sleep to escape it all but even this eluded me.
After about 8 months I felt my life was spiraling out of control. I considered suicide.
Unlike yours, my FWH wanted to stay from the day I confronted. He seemed remorseful but I truly felt I was going mad. His betrayal was so overwhelming.
I had been to counselors but felt they did little to help me. I began looking on the internet for some other treatment and stumbled on EMDR. I had to travel more than 200 miles each way every week for this treatment. I saw a therapist for 7 sessions and was much much better after.
This was no "magic bullet" but it helped a lot. I still feel very sad often, cry etc and sometimes have trouble sleeping. However, although the pain is still there I find it is much more manageable and now I can often sleep for 3 or 4 hours without waking.
T/J
Escape Artist
true PTSD can only occur when one feels that their life is under threat.
My life WAS under threat. Not in a physical sense but in so many other ways.
I can't help but wonder why the sich of a BS (for whom every aspect of their life as they thought they knew it is 'under threat') is considered not "serious" enough to qualify for the diagnosis of PTSD.
HUGS
Laura
The reason why the BS life is not under threat, is because usually it is not.
There is a big, big, big difference between having your lifestyle & relationship threatened, and believing you are going to die any second.
I am not trying to belittle anyone's experience, especially as I am a BS as well, but I think that the term PTSD is used out of context a lot when we are really only experiencing symptoms, not a disorder.
I also believe it is disrespectful to anyone who is suffering from this terrible illness to have people who are betrayed- like a BS, to assume what we have been through is the same.
As I have said previously...this disorder takes years to get through and I work with those that suffer from it. I see it every day and whilst I too have had weeks and months of sobbing, falling to the floor etc at times....i did know that no-one and nothing else was going to take my life.
Whilst you said you contemplated suicide, you did appear to survive, which is great. That would have also been "your decision" - hence the difference ......PTSD is when that decision of life or death is not yours.
I do know that that does not compare to a woman who had to shoot her son, or lose both son and daughter....or a man who listened to his children burn to death. I do not want to ever tell them...oh yeah...I had it too cause my husband cheated on me.
Please let's not try to put ourselves in that same basket because we are hurting.
In reality, we all know we can and will be able to move on. If we do not, it is still not life threatening....in the true sense of the word. SI is testament to that....Surviving Infidelity....not Dying from Infidelity...
Just sayin.......
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
PTSD can cause many symptoms. These symptoms can be grouped into three categories: 1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating Bad dreams Frightening thoughts.
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing. 2. Avoidance symptoms:
Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience Feeling emotionally numb Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car. 3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
Being easily startled Feeling tense or “on edge” Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
It’s natural to have some of these symptoms after a dangerous event. Sometimes people have very serious symptoms that go away after a few weeks. This is called acute stress disorder, or ASD. When the symptoms last more than a few weeks and become an ongoing problem, they might be PTSD. Some people with PTSD don’t show any symptoms for weeks or months.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/what-are-the-symptoms-of-ptsd.shtml
It remains a state of suffering for numerous BS. Call it by whatever name you choose.
I actually fought off an attempted rape (years ago not my H) The guy stole a hotel room key and tryed to get me while I was sleeping. I remembered what I learned in school made a holy he'll amount of noise and hurt and wiggled away with everything I had. The police arrested him and he was convicted as a minor. I was proud of myself and vindicated by my government.
But now here's the difference as I see it. I don't have to sleep in the same bed asmy attempted rapist, I don't need to share care and nurturing of my children,a household, dinner table, include within my maiden family my mom my siblings, plan my life my career any holidays goals spiritual journeys bucket lists etc etc
I guess what I'm. Saying is I think extent of the repair work needed is not just related to the magnitude of the initial event but the distance between the trauma of the initial event and the level forgiveness and acceptance necessary.
I don't need to give two flying f*cks how attempted rapist buddies life is going. My husband I share a bed with and has a vested interest in my children... Still working on that....(yay!)
[This message edited by Louise2011 at 11:32 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by LimboStill at 1:44 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]
Unless you count as support all those people IRL who have no grasp of the depth and breadth of the fallout.
Stark contrast to the support offered to survivors of other traumatic events.
I was not treated for ptsd but the marriage councellor we settled on treated the affair as a trauma we both had to heal from.
One of my most validating healing gifts came from some posts on SI from two combat veterans who found their wives affairs more traumatic than their tours of duty.
Take care of yourself, in moments when things are calm try to take note of what your gut is telling you to do and in the ruff times try to stick to that plan as best you can.
Thank you, LimboStill.
The experience of learning of an affair is one of the greater crises most of us will experience. I certainly can relate to your reaction. It's like the floor has dropped out from under you and you no longer recognize your spouse, yourself or your life. You are not unusual or alone.
I would never have predicted that the effects of learning of my H's infidelity could be so crippling. My life as I knew it was destroyed instantly. I was so traumatized that I have little memory of the first weeks after discovery. I remember chills, rocking, wailing, screaming, no appetite (I lost at least 20 pounds), weeping in the fetal position on floors, and panic attacks. I could not bear to be out of sight of my H, I obsessively checked phones, threw items from the affair time period away, destroyed things, raged, and rarely slept. All while trying to rebuild and reconstruct a marriage that I had NO PART in destroying. I was fortunate that I was retired and could withdraw from the world to focus on myself and my WH. I'm sure that we would not still be married if I had a career. I simply couldn't have coped.
I don't care how you label this trauma, it's real and devastating.
I too have also experienced other traumatic events... I was raped at gunpoint and told I would be killed. I suffered reactions and symptoms that would be expected from that event that lasted for a year or two. Did I consider myself to have PTSD...No. Yet I had some of the symptoms.
Maybe it is due to my extensive experience in my chosen field of work that I can differentiate between the two. Some veterans are fine and yes symptoms don't always develop immediately. But a betrayal is not life threatening in the true sense of the word.
Yes I understand we all suffer in different ways, some more than others.
When I found my daughter after she attempted suicide, did I consider her to be suffering from PTSD...No. Again, an extreme reaction to a life event. Did I have a terrible year after these two events...definitely. Add to that my spouse's betrayal whilst I was trying to help my daughter heal from her depression and suicide attempt. Double yes.
I will not ever consider myself to have PTSD because I witness first hand people who are. Can they work....not a chance. Can they drive...no way. Can they look after their children...no. They are not even allowed to be left alone with them. One man is still trying to heal after 4 yrs of this.
After reading your posts I can see that whilst we are suffering terribly, we can usually work, even if we need a break. We can nurture our children, even if we need help, and we know reality from flashbacks. My clients go in and out of relieving their traumatic events...they are back in the fires, hearing their children scream.... They are back in the car, trying to escape the flames etc.
Please let's all count our blessings and realise that there are things worse than what we have experienced.
Is this just a case of our western society and what we perceive to be the worst pain ever. Try not having food and watching your children starve to death.
Come on SIers. Lets be realistic. There are worse things.
It is clear that I must be the only one who am grateful that I have not undergone other experiences and disaster events.
I will not post on this topic again, and hope that all the BS that are battling their PTSD manage to go on to live full lives again. I wish you all the best.
Escape: these events, although stressful and often called traumatic, are not considered true trauma.
They are in the Psychiatric world...
Trauma as is defined in Psychiatry:
an experience that produces psychological injury or pain.
Escape:In my field, true PTSD can only occur when one feels that their life is under threat
Those in the National Institute of Health would disagree with you:
"Not everyone with PTSD has been through a dangerous event. Some people get PTSD after a friend or family member experiences danger or is harmed. The sudden, unexpected death of a loved one can also cause PTSD"
A psychiatrist or psychologist can diagnose PTSD. To be diagnosed with PTSD, a person must have all of the following for at least 1 month:
1)At least one re-experiencing symptom
2)At least three avoidance symptoms
3)At least two hyperarousal symptoms Being easily startled Feeling tense or “on edge” Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
4) Symptoms that make it hard to go about daily life, go to school or work, be with friends, and take care of important tasks.
Those in BOLD are the ones that I experienced for more than 1month...some for more than 1yr!
Although I do not feel as if I ever suffered from PTSD I do believe that the pain, agony, horror, and devastation of the betrayal is traumatic enough to result in PTSD in some individuals.
Escape: This article outlines...
And your source is from???
{{{Shortee126}}} I hear your pain and completely understand the devastation. It is, without a doubt, beyond a "stressful event" it is emotional/psychological trauma.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 6:13 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
I am too...however it happens to @50% of the population.
I'd be very interested to know the source of that statistic, particularly if it has any relevance to married people with children.
I apologise if I offended anyone.
Come on SIers. Lets be realistic. There are worse things
Escape, IMO, these two statements don't work well together for an sincere apology.
You don't know the past experiences of anyone else and how it affects THEM -- and that is the important part of the equation. It's futile to make comparisons. Not all BS are exactly the same. The collective WE (as BS) are still comprised of individuals.
The situations are not the same, the past experiences and genetic make-up are not the same, stress hormones levels are not the same -- so therefore no one will respond and react the same.
As you stated there are veterans and police officers etc who have witnessed traumatic events and they do not develop PTSD. It's dependent on the individual how their psyche responds. As of yet, I don't think the medical community has figured out why that is. There are still a lot of factors when dealing with what triggers or causes mental or emotional or physical disorders that are not yet known or fully understood. PTSD is one of them.
There is a sliding scale of symptom severity for any illness. Not only the most severely disabled are counted.
If the label of PTSD for a BS is bothersome, how about Post Traumatic Infidelity Stress Disorder.
Although this book does link the two "disorders", the author has chosen a different name to distinguish the cause of the trauma. However, I don't think he does that to minimize the trauma or the affects on the individual.
http://www.amazon.com/Transcending-Post-infidelity-Stress-Disorder-PISD/dp/1587613344
On page 15 the author writes:
"Clinicians have described and researchers have catalogued the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. These symptoms are listed and described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a book clinicians use for diagnosis. Although you most likely do not experience the intense and extreme reactions of those most traumatized, for example, by war or prolonged physical or sexual abuse, you may hear echoes, however faint, in you experience as you read these symptoms: 1. Exposure to a life-threatening event 2. Intense fear and helplessness 3. Re-experiencing the event 4. Avoidance of reminders of the event 5. Emotional numbing 6. Heightened anxiety 7. Irritability and rage. I have observed in my clinical practice that many individuals whose partners have been unfaithful exhibit many of these symptoms, to a greater or lesser degree, which led me to coin the term "post-infidelity stress disorder". I believe there is a notable parallel in the reaction of many to the discovery of their partner's infidelity and the disorder described as post-traumatic stress disorder. They have been personally and deeply wounded and will need patience for the often long road to recovery. Nevertheless, they can also be hopeful because many victims of trauma have found and continue to find health and healing through the recent insights gained in treating this disorder."
1. Exposure to a life-threatening event 2. Intense fear and helplessness 3. Re-experiencing the event 4. Avoidance of reminders of the event 5. Emotional numbing 6. Heightened anxiety 7. Irritability and rage.
I have observed in my clinical practice that many individuals whose partners have been unfaithful exhibit many of these symptoms, to a greater or lesser degree, which led me to coin the term "post-infidelity stress disorder". I believe there is a notable parallel in the reaction of many to the discovery of their partner's infidelity and the disorder described as post-traumatic stress disorder. They have been personally and deeply wounded and will need patience for the often long road to recovery. Nevertheless, they can also be hopeful because many victims of trauma have found and continue to find health and healing through the recent insights gained in treating this disorder."
I understand that a BS should count the blessings in their life, I know I do, but that is balanced with understanding traumas and how they have affected them personally. I've gone through some rather painful, difficult and traumatic experiences TO ME and I've said to myself 'remember, there is always someone who is worse' to keep my life in perspective, but that doesn't negate my pain as it applies to me.
(((Shortee))) Whatever the label, what you are experiencing is real and distressing. It needs to be addressed.
Have you heard of EMDR? Many BS on this site have had success with this therapy and it is used to treat PTSD symptoms.
Married 10 yrs Together 11 1/2 years I've loved him forever 4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love
I have been diagnosed with PTSD, the cause being the trauma of the A.
Everyone reacts to trauma DIFFERENTLY.
I am over 7 years out, and there is no question that I deal with PTSD each and every day. It is hell, and there is no cure, and no, you do not have to be hospitalized for PTSD.
Betrayal is life-threatening. Everything about your life that you knew as true is no longer. Life as you knew it is dead. Gone. Buried, will never be the same again.
Every symptom that RidingHealingRd outlined I have.
You do not need to come from a battlefield to experience PTSD.
shortee, you are not alone.
• Exposure to a Trauma – The person has been exposed to a trauma, in which he or she has experienced or witnessed an event involving the threat of death, serious injury, or a threat to the physical well-being of oneself or others. Note that only physical threats count in the definition of a trauma in PTSD. Situations that represent a psychological threat (e.g., a divorce, being criticized by a loved one, being teased) are not considered traumas in the definition of PTSD, even though they may lead to difficulties for the individual.
Data from a number of studies indicates that between 51 and 89 percent of adults are exposed to at least one potentially traumatizing event in their lifetime. An immediate stress reaction (including many of the symptoms of PTSD) that disrupts daily functioning for a short time is a normal response.
