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When good people have affairs

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SecondHelping posted 1/26/2013 21:33 PM

I saw this book on Amazon and I was wondering if it was any good. It's by Mira Kirshenbaum.

Cheers

rachelc posted 1/27/2013 07:15 AM

she suggests NOT telling your spouse if you're having an affair but deciding what to do - stay in marriage or leave for AP - and put your energy there.

The reasons she lists why people have affairs are good.

But that one point threw me...

Bravenewgirl posted 1/27/2013 07:33 AM

Ugh, I only leafed through this, but I found her to be an adultery apologist, and the book to be full of rationalizations for cheating. Not my cup of tea.

SecondHelping posted 1/27/2013 10:32 AM

Thanks for the update. I bought Tempted Women from Carol Botwin. Did you read that?

Knowing posted 2/8/2013 06:59 AM

Her chapter on reconciliation is a must-read. She compares rebuilding trust as carrying a bowling ball up the stairs. Every time the WS drops it (her argument against TT), it goes boom-bang-boom down the stairs to the bottom and the WS has to start the arduous process over.

This book is great for the guilt-ridden, self-loathing wayward who is still in the fog. It's a straight-forward, non-judgemental approach to making a clear-headed and informed decision about the future of the M.

Also the "evaluate your spouse vs AP) is a good exercise for anyone to do. It allows for an honest look at the spouse, whether wayward or betrayed. Something we all have trouble doing at times, and especially during times of crisis.

atsenaotie posted 2/8/2013 07:13 AM

From my review on Amazon...

Some parts of this book are okay, the types of affairs, how people become involved, and what is involved in healing from an affair.

My problem is with the chapters on how a spouse involved in an affair should determine whether to stay with the marriage partner, or leave the marriage for the affair partner. These chapters presume that the affair partner is thinking clearly and rationally. It has been my experience and the experience of many others that this is simply not the case.

An affair is a fantasy relationship built on conditional love. Any conversation topic or activity that would undermine the fantasy is avoided. Add to this the lies the spouse involved in the affair has told him or herself, and others, to rationalize their involvement in the affair. All combined, there is no way in which the person having an affair can accurately asess which partner they are truly happier with, which partner is the "better" partner, or is meeting their needs.

Many participants find their involvement with an affair to be addictive. Until the participants break this addiction and the accompanying rationalizations, there is simply no way for them to make an informed decision about returning to the marriage or leaving it for the affair partner. To do otherwise is akin to having a drug or alcohol addict make decisions on further drug or alcohol use while under the influence.

StillGoing posted 2/8/2013 11:00 AM

Also the "evaluate your spouse vs AP) is a good exercise for anyone to do. It allows for an honest look at the spouse, whether wayward or betrayed.

No.. no, it really can't allow for an honest look at a spouse when one spouse is lying to and cheating on the other. That's a definitively dishonest look at things. As in, if you look up dishonest, the definition quite literally includes the words lie and cheat.

Getting out of the affair and putting everything on the table is really the only honest way to evaluate anything. If she says that, awesome. If she says to do that from a little cubbyhole of deceptive befuckery, no thanks.

stillstrong posted 2/9/2013 11:21 AM

No.. no, it really can't allow for an honest look at a spouse when one spouse is lying to and cheating on the other. That's a definitively dishonest look at things

Also something to consider. The AP is in a contest with the BS, to show who is the better partner. Unfortunately, the BS has no idea they are competing with someone else. Therefore the AP will be doing everything possible to show themselves in the best light, while the BS may very likely not be their best self, especially if the WS is acting in ways that is hurting the marriage and the BS is trying to get them back on the right track, not realizing the true reason for their WS's behavior.

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