Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ChaosRider (45729)

User Topic: Support for Couples Separated by Travel
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a place to share your struggles, tips, strategies, and successes stories while being apart.

WS and BS welcome

[This message edited by Chicho at 12:33 PM, February 24th (Sunday)]


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hlessons knows that his business trips can sometimes trigger me, as he was on one when I found the evidence.

Before he leaves, he places sticky notes with little messages written on them at different places around the house where he knows I will find them while he is gone. This is a big deal, as my love language is words of affirmation, and he never used to try to reach out to me in this way. I keep the notes on my bathroom mirror.

He will text me when he arrives at whatever city he is flying to and he calls when he is done with his business meetings. He then will tell me where he is going for dinner and he texts me when he is done and then we usually Skype for awhile when he gets back. Having this amount of communication has helped me to know what is going on with him while he is gone. He didn't used to be this way. And he has no issue with it at all. That is what helps the most I think. There is no resentment there.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
1Emptyglass
♀ 37548
Member # 37548
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome! A place to talk about anxiety related to a spouse's travel. My FWH travels most of the time. He is currenly on a schedule that brings him home only two weekends a month. The last 16 months of trying to recover while my FWH works/lives in another city have been so hard.

I am still riding the emotional roller coaster and am stuck between spoiling what little time we have together by talking about the A or discussing it by phone when I can't see his expression or feel any physical comfort (like hugs) while I am trying to deal.

Travel days are a huge trigger because I discovered the affair shortly after dropping my FWH at the airport via his open email account at the house.

[This message edited by 1Emptyglass at 4:08 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW 44
Him WH 44
OW single 54 co-worker
Married 21 years at d-day
kids: DD21 DS 17

Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CA
MFC2011
♀ 34856
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I are apart the vast majority of the time due to his job. I'm a SAHM since Nov '11. His A's were all started during a work assignment overseas from Oct '11 to Jan '12.

The constant travel has really slowed down our R....in a lot of ways we're still kinda working out how to handle all this, even though D-day was a year ago. Recently he's gotten better, but there's a long way to go. A lot of times I feel like we're only a few months out, instead of a year. On the other hand, it's kind of given us the benefits of a separation, but without having to make a purposeful decision to do so, or explain it to anyone, or work out the logistics of two actual households.

One thing that was very helpful for me was to have GPS tracking on his phone. He was aware of it, and I was the only one with the password to turn it on/off. It helped because A) I could match it to where he might randomly mention he'd been, and B) it provided a way for me to check up on him that was not intrusive....I didn't feel like I was quizzing him. His phone was stolen in mid-Jan, so we don't have that right now and I wish we still did. It was a great trust-builder for a situation where he can't be accountable to me in person.

We're trying to work together to come to an acceptable level of communication about his whereabouts now. I've asked him to volunteer more info, because I don't like to have to ask him for it over and over and over. I'd like to know when he's arriving at and leaving work, when/where he's going to dinner and with who, and if he goes other places to hang out and with who. I'd also like more photos.

Other things we do:

1) Skype daily
2) I have his flight and hotel info
3) We text throughout the day

I do not know what I will do if/when he has to go back to the location where the A's happened. Will be difficult to say the least.



Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
♀ 34856
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still riding the emotional roller coaster and am stuck between spoiling what little time we have together by talking about the A or discussing it by phone when I can't see his expression or feel any physical comfort (like hugs) while I am trying to deal.

I can definitely relate to not wanting to spoil any together time by bringing up the A. It bites me on both ends....when he's away, I don't want to take up our small amount of Skype time with A issues, and when he's home I don't want to take up our limited amount of in-person time with A issues. Argh. Recently, however, our talks about the A have become more of a bonding thing between us, so we do a lot of it by Skype now. It sucks not being able to have the physical aspect of hugs or touch, but at least we can see each other's faces.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
forgivingnow
♀ 33549
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have so much anxiety when my husband travels because all of his cheating was done when he was traveling for business. I took him to the airport this morning, we have been on the phone 3 times and multiple texts, couple emails...he shares his schedule and keeps connected with me throughout the day. Calls me between meetings or on layovers @ the airport...We skype at night, he calls me when he first wakes up before he gets out of bed to say I love you & good morning. I need to feel connected to him when he is gone with a lot of contact or I get so much anxiety and sadness. Sometimes I text or email him something positive like a list of what I love about him or "us" or what I'm grateful for or naughty thoughts and I always get something positive back. Since dday I have also traveled some with him. I spend time here on SI and I have bought a lot of lingerie(no complaints) It does get easier as time goes on.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 616 | Registered: Oct 2011
forgivingnow
♀ 33549
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for starting this Chico.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 616 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I travel regularly for work. I am away 2-3 times a month usually for 2-3 days each. My fWS is a SAHM. The majority of the A took place in our house while I was traveling.

The idea of being away and not knowing what was going on while I was gone has caused huge anxiety for me. There was a time last year when I didn't leave the house for months. As a result my job really suffered.

I find that there are 3 separate areas of travel that I struggle with and they all have different feelings.

1. Leaving- This seems to be the hardest for me. Usually about three days before a scheduled trip I start to get anxious. I have a hard time eating. When the day comes to leave I just can't bring myself to do it. I putter around the house finding things to do. If I plan to leave by 8am I am lucky if I get out by noon. Its like a little kid standing on the high dive talking themselves into jumping. I haven't really found any strategies to make this easier.

2. The actual time away. This is the time of worry. What is going on? Where is she? Who else is there?

We have put a lot of thought into ways to ease my mind. We maintain as much communication as I need. I am honest about what I need and she is happy to help with what I need. Some days it is a chat message every 30 min. How much trouble could she really get into in 30 min. Other days we can go most of the day without talking.
The worst feeling in the world is voice mail. We have a no voice mail rule. She is expected to answer the phone anywhere any time. If there is a time that she thinks she can't like in the shower or cutting up chicken, she will warn me in advance.

3. Coming home- This is another one that I have been struggling with more lately. When I get home I find myself on High Alert. I am hyper aware of her facial expressions, body language, word choices, ect. This is a tough one because 3 days alone with a 3yo and a 12yo is probably pretty tiring and stressful. But if she is not doing cartwheels and jumping up and down excited to see me I jump to worst case scenario.

Each trip and each honest conversation things get easier.

[This message edited by Chicho at 7:44 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for starting this Chico. The travel is so hard.

For me, being a SAHm, his travel is a trigger because I see it as a vacation of sorts. Nice dinners, hotels at some exotic locations, alone time, and a free pass, really, to do anything he wants without being accountable.

It's not very easy to do any of those things when you are caring for children 24/7.

And did I mention lonely?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jun 2012
yummybunny
♀ 38165
Member # 38165
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had to travel for work for the past 10 years and it was one of the perks of my job that I really enjoyed. But then I discovered my WSO was having an affair while I was traveling.

And, to make it worse, the first time I had to travel for work after D-Day #1, he re-initiated the affair and took it underground. I found a receipt in our car from the gas station near her small town that was paid for just an hour after he dropped me off at the airport!

I was supposed to be working in Spain for 3 weeks the very next month and I was so afraid that he would not maintain NC that I actually quit my job. I quit my $80K a year job!!!

It took me 6 months to find work again and although it involved limited travel at first, it soon became monthly travel to the US, and I started to worry again.

That is why I have a VAR in our car and our house now : )


Me: BS 53
Him: WS 42
Together since 1998
My Son, 22 and His Daughter, 21
Both away at college
D-day #1: Dec 26, 2009
D-day #2 (same AP): Feb 10, 2010

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
MFC2011
♀ 34856
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Leaving- This seems to be the hardest for me. Usually about three days before a scheduled trip I start to get anxious. I have a hard time eating. When the day comes to leave I just can't bring myself to do it. I putter around the house finding things to do. If I plan to leave by 8am I am lucky if I get out by noon. Its like a little kid standing on the high dive talking themselves into jumping. I haven't really found any strategies to make this easier.

I definitely have some anxiety issues around the time my H leaves. What's different for me, though, is that it isn't really beforehand. In the days leading up to his travel (when we get advance notice anyway), I'm okay. But once he's out of sight, I start freaking out. The first 1-2 days of his trip, he's VERY likely to get a frantic/angry/emotional text or email from me. Usually angry.


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
MFC2011
♀ 34856
Member # 34856
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, being a SAHm, his travel is a trigger because I see it as a vacation of sorts. Nice dinners, hotels at some exotic locations, alone time, and a free pass, really, to do anything he wants without being accountable.

I could have written EXACTLY that. And it adds to our relationship stress that my H tends to view MY work as a SAHM as not as stressful/hard as having a job. He never says it in a mean way, but when discussing being tired, stressed, busy, etc. there's always a mild undertone of comparison. Well seeing as I worked full time until I was 32, I think I'm in a pretty good position to say that being a SAHM isn't any easier....it's just different. And I can't call in room service, go smoke a cigarette on a balcony overlooking the ocean, take a sick day, etc. I have two mini "bosses" and they run my life 24-7 (good thing they're cute!!) and depend on me for EVERYTHING from food to butt-wiping to entertainment. I know his life traveling can be hard....I know it's not as exciting for him as it was at the beginning, and that he wants to be home instead....and I am the first in line to stand up and say that he works his ASS off to provide for our family at a very demanding job. But I still get a little jealous....even though I shouldn't. I really don't think the "comparison" mentality is good for our relationship.

And did I mention lonely?

Ain't that the truth. In our situation, we are near no family, and just moved to a new town last year so don't know any friends here either. Even if I did know anyone, going out gets pricey when you're not only paying for your event/activity, but $10/hr for someone to watch your kids too.

And I know H can get lonely too....off in a hotel, usually in a country where he doesn't speak the language, working with different people nearly every assignment. It's tough either way you cut it, I guess.

You're not close enough to me for a play date, are you?


Dday#1: 12/25/11, Dday#2: 3/28/12, 4+ OW
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, "Just Give Me A Reason"

Posts: 795 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just left for a three day trip. The place I am going is bitter sweet. I is my favorite place that I go. I love the food there. I have friends and support there. But it is also the trip that I was on when the sexcapades from the last A happened. Tons of triggers. Not to mention a 5 hour drive alone with my head.

We had a good yesterday until the afternoon. Something I was joking around about turned serious. I started getting angry and withdrawing over something stupid. I ended up going to bed early alone.

This morning broevil came to me with unprovoked appologie and reassurance about the A and R. I appologised for letting my head ruin our evening. We talked about the stress of travel for both of us. We had a little alone time.
I was able to leave in a good space.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
forgivingnow
♀ 33549
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is so wonderful she was able to give you reassurance before you left( and the alone time). It is usually irrational but I can feel so insecure before he travels(and things are going really good w/us) that extra reassurance is just what is needed.
Good job


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 616 | Registered: Oct 2011
brokensmile322
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it sounds like you guys are again on the right path, Chico!

My Mr322 is currently away too until late tomorrow. He is in a town that is close to OW so I trigger big time...

Yesterday at IC my counselor pointed out that I was projecting some unresolved feelings regarding my past onto my WH. I think it is true. So, this trip I am trying to remind myself of this fact when I start to get anxiety.

Hope you'll get to be home for Vday Chico!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jun 2012
What2Thnk
37863
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS travels for business frequently. The place he goes most often, I have never been asked to join him, but he asked OW #2 to come there to see him a very short time after getting back in touch with her because he couldn't wait until he got back home to see her. And he met OW #3 there, even though he knew after his first A that one of my biggest fears was that he'd start another A there and I'd have no way to detect it. (Guess I should have trusted my own instincts more.)

He talked and still talks often about being lonely and missing me while he's gone, and I used to dream about going there to surprise him, maybe bringing our DS with me, but now I just feel sad and angry and like this is one more dream his A's have ruined. I have told him that I never want to go there now, and as much as I want to reclaim my life, I don't think I'll ever change my mind about that.

I trigger every time he leaves, and am pretty much a wreck the whole time he's gone. I cry a lot, and go between wanting to demand that he find some other way to make a living, wanting to vent about the hell he's put me in, and just wanting to take everything and leave and let him come home to an empty house and no explanation. After all, I got no explanation that he was cheating (again) just a text message after OW#2's visit that things 'weren't working' for him. And probably would have gotten the same again after he'd met up with OW#3 on his next trip after meeting her.

I don't think he really knows how bad it is for me, but he knows it's not good and I don't think either one of us has a clue what to do about it. He tries to communicate more than he has in the past, but I don't know if it helps or not. I go back and forth about wanting to monitor his every move, and wanting to have nothing to do with him while he's gone and being angry that he calls.

The whole situation sucks.

[This message edited by What2Thnk at 4:40 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS) 42 - Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1; DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2; DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger. A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
Undone1
♀ 37683
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sooo sorry you are hurting! Traveling is a huge trigger since there is no trust. I am sure you are still reeling from finding out about OW#3.

It is so had when my husband goes away, but lately I have been telling myself that if he wants to have an affair, nothing is going to stop him. If there was a next time, he would be able to do a better job of covering it up, having learned from this one. I can't control him and at some point in time I have to realize that if he has another affair I am gone! Of course I don't trust him but I am already tired of being the probation officer. He is gone right now, and I am keeping my brain busy with plans.

I know that right now I am doing fine and in the next five minutes things might change. It's a tough road!

He has to show me with his actions that he deserves me.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I woke up lonely this morning. Not sad or anxious or angry, just lonely. I am taking that as a pretty good sign.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
dameia
♀ 36072
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH travels frequently. All his A's (except the last one) took place while he was travelling. He has been gone the past 3 days, due home tomorrow, but today I'm really struggling.

I just spent over a hour surfing craigslist in the city he's in looking for casual hookup ads that might be from him. He has never done that before (as far as I know) but what do I really know? Only what he has told me and we all know cheaters lie.

Sorry for the ramble I'm just in a bad place right now.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1198 | Registered: Jul 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Dameia)))

Try not to torture yourself.
Can you call him? Or text him when he can call you?


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 160
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.