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RemoursefulGirl posted 2/12/2013 22:54 PM

Betrayed Spouses who reconciled or are actively working on R now- how many of you only decided to reconcile because you have kids together with your Bs? Would you have gone the divorce route had children not been a factor?

cdnmommy posted 2/12/2013 23:00 PM

I can say for certain I would not have tried to R if we didn't have a child together. In our case, I'm not sure the infidelity would have happened if we had not had children, though. That was the start of a downward spiral for my fWH.

That being said, I would not have stayed in my M, child or no, if there had not been significant changes. Kids are a great reason to try to save a marriage, but it is important to me that my son see me healthy and whole.

Brandon808 posted 2/12/2013 23:01 PM

BH here and I did not R. However, I can say that leaving my SD was very, very hard. Her dad is active and engaged in her life, which made all of the difference in the world. If my xww and I had any COM then it would have several more years (if ever) before I could leave. We wouldn't have been in R though because my xww wasn't capable. It would have been more like eternal rugsweeping.

circlinggirl posted 2/12/2013 23:02 PM

My children were definitely a large part of my decision to R. I remember the night of Dday, all I could think of or say was "I love my kids, I love my kids...I don't know what to do." It was hard to decide if having a father who had done something so disgusting and disrespectful outweighed not having a father around at all.

My WS was so devastated on Dday and the weeks after. He opened up to me more than he ever had. He did and continues to do everything in his power to help build my trust and move our relationship in a healthy direction. Had he not done these things, I would have decided differently.

Also, the fact remains that I happen to love him very deeply. Even what he did couldn't change that. If we didn't have kids I probably would have moved out and taken some space, but deep in my heart I believe that I still would have stayed with him. So far it has been very worth it, as I feel our relationship is more authentic than it has ever been.

lost_in_toronto posted 2/13/2013 06:41 AM

We did not have kids, and reconciled. There are a few of us here! But I think a lot of people initially stay because of their kids, whether that impacts their long term decision to reconcile or divorce.

143ANF posted 2/13/2013 07:34 AM

We did not have children together and are divorced because of the As. He was a huge part of my DD's life growing up but she was already grown by the time R came about.

I was receptive to R because he had done much of the work on himself that he needed to. If he had not dug deep like he had, there would not be R.

JanaGreen posted 2/13/2013 07:40 AM

The first time, I probably would have - he confessed and was remorseful (ONS). The second time - probably not. He was sending emails/texts to some chick, nothing sexual, but shitty boundaries, and if I could have just made a clean break I probably would have. That was so much worse, to me, than what had happened before.

hurt101 posted 2/13/2013 07:42 AM

Having kids was part of my decision to work on my marriage. It wasn't the only thing that affected my decision but it was a large part of it. I had a very hard time with the fact that my daughter would be very upset and angry had I decided to leave. She thinks the sun shines out his butt. But I know now that if heaven forbids he does this again, I'd leave without any hesitation because she needs to know that this is unacceptable behaviour.

misskirby posted 2/13/2013 07:48 AM

Having kids with him was definitely a deciding factor in my decision to try to R. Especially since my youngest was only 4 weeks old on Dday. His A's had been over for years before I found out, though, and I sometimes wonder if I would have been as willing to R if he was in an active A on DDay.

Anyway, kids can influence the decision to try, but ultimately it comes down to both WH and myself. We both have to work on R every day, kids or no.

dameia posted 2/13/2013 07:58 AM

Yes, if we did not have 3 children I would have chosen a D. In fact, if we only had our DD, as was the case for most of the A's, I would have pursued a D. It was only when considering the best interests for our 3 kids that I decided to give R a try.

Issaquah posted 2/13/2013 07:59 AM

When my WH had his first A 13 years ago we did not have children and I was fully commited R.

The DDays that have come after children my desire for R was mainly focused on my children with still loving him secondary.

champ posted 2/13/2013 08:54 AM

with out kids i would have been gone. I could not be a every other weekend dad so i stayed

introspect posted 2/13/2013 10:11 AM

We don't have children and have reconciled. We had been together about 8 years on DDay, and to me it was worth seeing whether our relationship and the life we'd built in that time was worth fixing. Turns out, it was. Because it was just the two of us we were able to really focus on each other and on ourselves as individuals and what we wanted without wondering how it would affect other lives.

That said, WH has really, really done and has continued to do the hard work to R. Without that, I likely would have been long gone.

heartbroken2012 posted 2/13/2013 10:15 AM

I am trying to R with my WH....TRYING, I think he is still in the fog or not remorseful but we are trying to R....and no not because we have kids, but because i loved him and I am trying to love the person that he is now.

kenny55 posted 2/13/2013 10:30 AM

We had two daughters. That is the ONLY reason I tried. We are getting divorced still.

reclaimingmyself posted 2/13/2013 10:35 AM

I tried to R with the now ex but not because of the kids - they are all young adults.

I did decide to divorce him partly because of the kids though.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 2/13/2013 10:49 AM

We had no kids and decided on R.

We're pretty well into the process and are now expecting our first.

bestbecameworst posted 2/13/2013 10:50 AM

We have no kids, and I have been trying to R for over 2 years now, but H is not doing all the work he needs to do.

Having said that, he was so far up his own a$$ - no job, depressed, etc - that we developed a parent/child relationship which haunts us to this day.

I am looking into D.

Kids probably would have made a difference.


crazynot posted 2/13/2013 10:50 AM

I made no decisions. When he told me he was 'seeing someone else and our marriage was over' our son was 14 and our daughter 18 and going through her pre-college exams. I was DESPERATE to keep the family together and to split him up from HER. He took that as me controlling him. Where are we now, four years (almost) later? He's still with her but struggling. Kids are ok-ish - daughter still heartbroken and struggling to maintain relationship with the dad who let her down so badly. Son who is my rock and says he'll always 'take his dad with a pinch of salt'. As for me? I'm in a new place, have a great life and close relationship with my kids (who live with me when not at college). In four years they have never spoken to 'the woman who destroyed our family'. Armageddon and destruction everywhere. Upside for me is that I've fallen in love with the man I should have met 30 years ago. Infidelity destroys so much. It's like a fire.

toomanyregrets posted 2/13/2013 11:18 AM

It was the kids.
I'd always wanted a family with children so they came first. I WAS NOT going to have them grow up with my MIL, which is where they would have been.

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