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Tell me about "kisa's."

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naivewife posted 2/25/2013 06:33 AM

I just saw "KISA" used in another post and looked it up and saw it means "knight in shining armor." The post I saw mentioned that KISA's are prone to EA's and even PA's even with people they're not even sexually attracted to. I'm thinking WH falls under this KISA category. Can any of you more experienced folks here elaborate on the KISA theory? Between wanting to appear to be a knight in shining armor to all and also having a serious issue with assertiveness, I feel like this gets WH in a lot of trouble. He's never had an A before this but many times I've busted him for swapping emails with some damsel in distress that really were crossing the line of appropriateness, and then he gets defensive about how they needed his help and advice and he doesn't want to hurt their feelings. This is something I hope his IC will pick up on.

StillGoing posted 2/25/2013 06:37 AM

KISA is a guy who gets off on being seen as a hero.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/25/2013 06:41 AM

damsel in distress
Dumsel in distress is the more appropriate term.

It sounds like you understand the KISA and that your WH falls into this category. As StillGoing says, they want to be seen as a hero, it is very ego stroking to them.

hitbyatruck posted 2/25/2013 06:42 AM

I'm no expert but I know my H has KISA traits.

One affair started due to OW's car being broke down and her struggling in college. He took her to school and had many "study sessions".

Another was making sure the OW was safe in the gym at night since it was all men but her. He felt it was only right to stick with her in the gym and make sure she got back to the hotel safely... they were at a three week long training for work.

There are more examples but H would tell me how he was "helping" these women while I was still in the dark as to how much time he was actually spending with OW that "needed" him.

My H shines in situations when his help in actually needed. He is the first to jump in and go well beyond. I have always been proud of him when I would see him help so much but it did lead him down some very destructive paths.

naivewife posted 2/25/2013 06:51 AM

Yep, this is him all right. Does the concept come from an affair book that talks about it in depth, or is it just an SI term?

curiouswiz posted 2/25/2013 06:52 AM

Mine was a kisa. With anyone that needed him. Anyone. That is except for me.

He would run out the door to help near strangers but couldn't feed me when I was sick.

He's now helping a stripper/junky/whore. He's helping her destroy his life.

hitbyatruck posted 2/25/2013 07:06 AM

Yep, this is him all right. Does the concept come from an affair book that talks about it in depth, or is it just an SI term?

I'm not sure where the "KISA" started but it is not exclusive to SI.

TrustGone posted 2/25/2013 07:56 AM

Yes, both of my husbands thought they were KISA, in reality they are only toads in a swamp eating whatever came along at the time.

SecondHelping posted 2/25/2013 07:59 AM

My fWW is a KISA. She is really selfish around the house but will go out of her way to help anyone outside the house.

In our case, I don't think it caused the A. May have fuelled it some, but didn't cause it.

sisoon posted 2/25/2013 08:35 AM

Steven (Stephen) Karpman IDed the Drama Triangle in which there are 3 roles - Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor. It looks to me like KISAs take on the Rescuer role.

bestbecameworst posted 2/25/2013 08:39 AM

many times I've busted him for swapping emails with some damsel in distress that really were crossing the line of appropriateness, and then he gets defensive about how they needed his help and advice and he doesn't want to hurt their feelings.

When I finally started snooping due to his A, I found many similar emails. I think his behaviours eventually culminated in the A, and these behaviours are inappropriate when the "damsels" are more important to him than you are.

He needs to give up that behaviour IMHO...

bbw

Nature_Girl posted 2/25/2013 09:55 AM

I used that term to describe STBX for years before I found my way here. As others said, he went out of his way to help other women. Only women. And not me. Well, he did help me when we first met & were dating. However, once we were married that was over, he'd only help other women. He left me here home alone with three young children, including a newborn, so he could "help" the neighbor lady with her computer. He would be over an hour late from getting groceries because he needed to "help" one of the female checkers at the store, much to the detriment of the frozen food (would be defrosted by the time he got home) or the milk (would go sour because it got too warm). He had an EA with a female coworker who was having marital problems, spending hours talking to her but not saying a word to me or the children.

Interestingly, some narcissists love to be KISA because it makes them look good.

upinflames8 posted 2/25/2013 09:57 AM

My fWW is a KISA. She is really selfish around the house but will go out of her way to help anyone outside the house.
In our case, I don't think it caused the A. May have fuelled it some, but didn't cause it.

This sounds just like my H. I used to think he was just a romantic because he was always trying to help his guy friends find girlfriends because he just "wanted them to have someone and be happy" then he started consoling females over their breakups but I never really gave it any thought.

Now that I'm thinking about it he did say started talking to AP1 because she recently broke up with her ex and then that is how he got to talking about the state of our marriage

crazyblindsided posted 2/25/2013 09:58 AM

My WH was helping his employee (MOW) get out of her abusive marriage.

Even after D-day WH told me that he felt like I didn't NEED him. In reality I don't because I like knowing that I can take care of me and my kids at a moment's notice. Sorry WH (KISA) you won't find needy over here.

5454real posted 2/25/2013 10:17 AM

I am a self identified KISA. Never have I been anything but faithful. In my case, my rescuer complex allowed me to find "broken" women. Then I'm surprised (?) when they're brokenness reasserts itself and results in infidelity.

it definitely is an unconscious thing. after my third go around I definitely tried to pick a "healthy" woman. it obviously didn't work hence numbers 4 and 5.

This sucks

NikkiD posted 2/25/2013 10:17 AM

KISA...can also be known as
"captain save-a-hoe". Coined by rapper E-40 back in the early 90's sometimes...I call it the urban slang for KISA...the verse goes "Look up in the shy its a bird, its a plane, whats that *bleeps* name? Captain-save-a-hoe mane!!" Then the course of the song has a woman with a really annoying voice saying "I wanna be saved..."

I hate the "bleeped" word, but its definately a KISA

tired girl posted 2/25/2013 10:22 AM

naivewife,

Have you ever confronted or discussed this with your H?

TXBW68 posted 2/25/2013 10:25 AM

My husband has always been the same way. We met in college 21 years ago. During our entire relationship, he has counseled/helped other women about their relationship issues. He was seen as the "safe" guy to talk to because he was head over heels in love with me. They knew he would not try to hit on them or take advantage of the situation. I always knew about these women and even discussed their situations with him. We even joked that he should go back to school to get his Psychology degree.

OW is the first damsel in distress that he didn't discuss with me. Their EA started with her confiding in him about her divorce. Her husband left her and 3 kids for his OW!

Apparently she tried to control her feelings for my husband, even told him to try to work things out with me. But then, her feelings for him became too overwhelming and she just had to have him - and he didn't want to hurt her feelings so he continued...

Fortunately, he recognizes this about himself now and is actively staying away from women like this.

realitybites posted 2/25/2013 10:41 AM

I have people tell me ALL the time how nice my H is, how he is so great at helping out at work....how wonderful he is with helping out just about anybody....except for his own family.

He truly craves people liking him.

I would ask many of you...and maybe I am way off base here....but how many of your WS's have low self esteem, or possibly not highly educated that they feel "less then" so to speak so they over compensate with this KISA type of personality? Its like the only way they know of to have people like them.

Carried on Sex in the City used to say to Mr Big..."You give 'sparkle' out to other people and when you get home I get boring and tired and nothing.

So true with me. Gives everything to other people all the time.

uncertainone posted 2/25/2013 10:49 AM

I'm not a fan of the term because it's also the "nice guys" disease. My girl friends and I could spot this a mile away. The "nice guy" isn't so nice at all. He loved to be the shoulder you cried on, the rescuer from the horrible relationship, the immediate availability anytime "crises" popped up.

The problem is it's all about control. They focus on "you" to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, ego aggrandizement. If they can be there for "you" then when you're better they have the perfect person who will be eternally grateful.

Huge problems. First, women that need "rescuing" are hot messes. People that know better realize that people are in situations 99% of the time caused by their own fuck ups, not other's, so you're "saving" the perpetrator, not the victim.

Women that are in crises, even if it's self created are emotionally unavailable. That's the real draw for these guys. The project. The "win" they require for self validating ego kibbles they need in endless supply.

The word "knight" gives it a far more noble ring than it deserves. It's really just predatory behavior of looking for the "weak" to feed themselves. "Funny" thing is the "weak" they find ain't so weak at all.

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