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The real cost of TT

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sodamnsorry posted 2/26/2013 09:08 AM

If there's any doubt in anyone's mind about the real impact of TT:

A little backstory here. Our DDay was 9/20/12. I 'came clean' about a few details but held back a lot. 10/20/12, my BS was going through the old phone logs and found out things had gone on longer than I said. The next day I 'came clean' again, but I still held back details. Most recently, my BS has established a communication with the OW and more details were revealed that I left out the last time. Yesterday, she demanded the entire truth, which I finally came out with, although it took me two emails to do it.

My BS stayed away from home the entire day yesterday. When she did come home she posted here - in the Divorce/Seperation forum. She is most likely filing today. I am completely devastated but it is my own fault. We were working on R, well she was anyways - my holding back the truth gives me no right to say I was working. Had I not TT'd, had I come clean in the very beginning, we would be much further along than we are. My BS is amazing and was willing to fight and work with me nearly from the very beginning. Sure there were some roller coaster days, but we could have been really working. We both went to IC for a while - and are both starting again. We were scheduled to have our first MC appointment tomorrow.

We talked late into the night last night, Both sitting in bed together and via text when we ended up in separate bedrooms. I can't count how many times she told me I just don't get it during that time. I am a smart person, but sometimes I need to hear something in a particular way, or hear it so many times to really feel it. Before last night, I had knowledge of how bad TT was, but didn't truly understand it. Without really understanding it, TT is easy to justify by saying things to yourself like - well, it's just a few details or I'm holding this back to protect her. This is all bullshit. So where does this all lead? What is the true cost? Sadly, a lot of WS's are probably like me and won't truly get it until they see it and that's sad because TT could be the thing that makes the difference between saving and losing your M. But even beyond that, TT will show you how much you can shatter another person with your own selfishness. It may be tempting to believe the impact will not be that great - in my case I had seen the impact of one TT episode - at the 4 week mark. Back then the affect was not as noticeable because it was a 4 week reset. This time around, 5 months in, after TT I am seeing things that I haven't seen since DDay. I'm watching the woman I love, that I can't imagine living without, have mind movies or my affair again. I'm watching her basically being carved up from the inside out as she watches my affair played out in her mind. I'm there when she tells me to 'Get OUT!' in a voice that is forever etched in my brain, that was just the most horrific sound you can imagine hearing from someone that you are supposed to love and honor. I'm seeing her not able to look at me, because I am sure I disgust her. As I see all this I have to see what the cost of my selfishness was - her entire, fragile reality ripped apart. It isn't just a matter of dealing with a few new details. She has spent months of tears building this new reality to the point where she could actually think of working on us - and now she is back to square one, trying to determine what reality is. That is a huge cost because I was selfish enough to hold back the truth she deserved. And the absolutely horrible part is that I am not the one paying the cost. She has to suffer the cost of my actions. That's more than you want to make anyone you truly care about pay.

rachelc posted 2/26/2013 09:21 AM

I imagine TT has cost some their marriages....

uncertainone posted 2/26/2013 10:35 AM

I'm watching the woman I love, that I can't imagine living without, have mind movies or my affair again

I'm a wayward. I read this on here and I'm truly confounded. What are you talking about? Seriously. I don't understand. Especially from new members it reads like some sort of overwrought sickening Hallmark card.

How in the world can you not "imagine life without her"? Your very actions almost guaranteed it. It's not one of those unimagined side effects. Cheating ends relationships. It's designed to end relationships. It's entire function, in part, is ending relationships either by proxy, substitution, or in reality.

I hate the term trickle truth. You're lying or you aren't. It depends on what the definition of "is" is...lying!

Being spoon feed truth is have your past unravel as you barely have a grip on the present.

No more lies. To herself or to your self. Regardless of what she chooses be authentic, transparent, available and dig! Fix yourself. Make yourself a safe person for yourself and others.

Unagie posted 2/26/2013 13:43 PM

UO pretty much nailed it. Face up to your actions and start living life the way you feel will be best for you goals ng forward. Understand that the world will spin and life will go on whether you are with her or not. Is it shitty to think of a life without her sure but the only thing making it beyond your imagination is your refusal to accept this as a consequence.

crazyblindsided posted 2/26/2013 14:22 PM

How in the world can you not "imagine life without her"? Your very actions almost guaranteed it. It's not one of those unimagined side effects. Cheating ends relationships. It's designed to end relationships. It's entire function, in part, is ending relationships either by proxy, substitution, or in reality.

Absolutely agree with this UO. Why this thought does not cross the WS's mind before entering the A is beyond me.

authenticnow posted 2/26/2013 15:30 PM

sodamnsorry,

I trickle truthed for over a year. It nearly destroyed my BH. I learned that it is because we think we can control the outcome, and we don't trust what our BSs will do with the information. Scary, scary shit.

Intellectually, of course I knew what an A (or multiple, in my case) would/could do to my BH, to my M, but I ignored it. I refused to internalize it because I felt entitled, resentful, all kinds of fucked up toxic things...

Work on you. You can't undo it, but you can learn compassion and communication and how to love yourself and your BW in healthy ways every day.

CrappyLife posted 2/26/2013 16:08 PM

sodamnsorry - a lot of what you have written could have been written by WW. She still comes up with this shit and much more.

How in the world can you not "imagine life without her"? Your very actions almost guaranteed it. It's not one of those unimagined side effects. Cheating ends relationships. It's designed to end relationships. It's entire function, in part, is ending relationships either by proxy, substitution, or in reality.

Goosebump moment for me reading this. I have said this to WW like a zillion times. I go crazy, mad and lose it when WW tells me she always wanted to and wants to be with me. What the fuck were you thinking while having the A and lying for years?

TT is an interesting concept. Just that. A concept. Lying is lying. Period.

Smittygds posted 2/26/2013 16:38 PM

Great thread!! My WW is the antithesis of TT. I love her and I'm working hard on me and R but she risked her marriage with lies even when I repeatedly told her the big lies would be a deal breaker on things that an idiot could see did not add up. Good luck with the lying. It NEVER pays off!

Deeply Scared posted 2/26/2013 17:02 PM

CrappyLife & Smittygds...

This forum is for WS's to work through their issues...they don't need to be hammered on the head that what they're doing is wrong. They already know that.

Also, this is a brand new member so please be patient or stay off the thread.

Thank you.

Tiredofthepain posted 2/26/2013 17:44 PM

BS here that has been lied to about certain details for months. He lied to protect me from being hurt more and I am sure to save his own ass.

If he were to come to me now, on his own , and admit it all to me I would finally feel like I could someday believe anything he says again. It would make all the difference.

Maybe after your BS has had some time to deal with this newest bit of truth she can start to heal for real this time. Hope it works out for you.

uncertainone posted 2/26/2013 18:02 PM

I apologize. Didn't mean to be harsh. I was honestly asking. You posted here back in October about the same thing but guess it wasn't all out.

That's why I stated I am a wayward. Did all the same mental gymnastics but in different ways. I understand my brand of "fucked". Was honestly asking if you truly never imagined it.

I didn't care. What I didn't, as AN said, internalized and ignored, I guess was how my choices would affect me. Had not a clue and was completely gobsmacked. That's just as inconceivable to many, understandably.

Entitled, angry, resentful, rage...check, check, check, check. All the above and then some. That's what I focused on with my processes. Protecting my integrity when the target wasn't a favorite. It's hard to see the warning buoys pinging away, the tsunami coming when your speeding past fueled by those four powerful propellants.

boontje posted 2/26/2013 19:57 PM

As I see all this I have to see what the cost of my selfishness was - her entire, fragile reality ripped apart. It isn't just a matter of dealing with a few new details. She has spent months of tears building this new reality to the point where she could actually think of working on us - and now she is back to square one, trying to determine what reality is. That is a huge cost because I was selfish enough to hold back the truth she deserved. And the absolutely horrible part is that I am not the one paying the cost. She has to suffer the cost of my actions.

I usually don't venture into this forum often. It's too triggery for me, but the title of your post caught my eye. Especially ^^^. I begged my H for the truth, from day 1. He swore up and down he had told me everything. We worked on rebuilding, only to have the bit of rebuilt trust shattered by more truths. Supposedly, I have the truth now, but who knows? Only my H knows the answer to that. I am left with the choice to accept what I think my new reality is and to work on rebuilding, or to leave my M. It sucks. I just hope other WS will read your post and learn something before it is too late. I'm sorry you are facing life without your wife, but I wouldn't give up fighting just like that. If you really mean what you say, keep fighting for her.

MandoBando posted 2/26/2013 20:23 PM

I have been on the receiving end of more than enough TT. Hopefully you are being honest when you say it is all out there. Yes, there will be some things that you don't remember until something shakes it loose in your mind, but the things you KNOW and are withholding all need to be let out.

I knew in my gut when lra22 was lying to me. The first 5 times I heard "That is all of it, there is no more." I got the worst sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because I KNEW that there was certainly more. And I am sure your BW did too. As for holding things back to "protect" your BW (when you are really just protecting yourself), keep in mind that the pain and damage have already been done to her. She knows something is off, telling her the truth puts a name to the pain, which can help her deal with it. By withholding, all you are doing is letting a wound fester.

For your sake, I really do hope that all the truth is out there now and that she will give you yet another chance.

englishrose posted 2/26/2013 20:55 PM

I don't often visit the WS forum, but i've been watching this thread today.

it's so very painful

telling her the truth puts a name to the pain,

I just read this, i've been searching for two years for the words to use to explain how I feel, and i've found them. Thank you

Smittygds posted 2/26/2013 21:20 PM

Very sorry. I got carried away. I really didn't mean to offend. There is pain on both side of this and sometimes we lose our heads and say things we don't mean so truly all apologies to any who were offended. SI is a great place to participate and grow. I grow each time I come here. I encouraged my WW to come to SI and she has and I am very happy she did so.we both have a long road ahead but we are hopeful and not hopeless.

Deeply Scared posted 2/26/2013 21:22 PM

Thank you Smitty...that was really nice of you and I'm sure much appreciated

CrappyLife posted 2/27/2013 04:11 AM

I also apologise if it hurt the original poster. Didnt mean for my post to offend anyone.

I refrain from posting in the wayward forum, but this was something I related with pretty strongly.

sodamnsorry posted 2/27/2013 08:05 AM

No offense taken from anyone's replies. I appreciate hearing what everyone has to say and I don't expect anyone to sugar coat anything. I appreciate people weighing in with their real reactions even if they might be tough to hear.

Fidelia posted 2/27/2013 11:19 AM

BS here.

What you said really resonated with me - about being broken apart. But I agree with UO that it's important to be honest with yourself that the decision to have an A can lead to you losing your BS.

I was the victim of TT for 4 months. As UO says, it is just lying. We call it TT as a shorthand so that those who have experienced it don't have to go into long painful explanations each time. perha ps by calling it that, we sanitise it?

Anyway, just in case there is anything you still have not confessed, please do. 6 DDays in 4 months almost killed my marriage, in some ways, more than the A itself. After each DDay I tried to rebuild my sense of trust in WH, but my gut told me that he hadn't told me everything. And that kept me from trust and intimacy and acceptance.

As I said, I like your imagery because it expresses the pain...but it makes the BS into something less than we are and can be. Even in the depths of my devastation, there was an inner strength to know I could continue, with or without WH. No person should be so reliant on another that they would be destroyed by betrayal. Oh gosh, yes I've never known a pain like it, but if WH had walked, or if he had tried to TT me one more time, I'd have coped without him.

Please don't put your BS in a position where you think that you are the centre of her world, or that she is the centre of yours. I am coming to realise that a healthy marriage is one where both people can stand on their own two feet and work on it as equal partners.

strengthandhope posted 2/27/2013 12:38 PM

In my situation as a BW, I don't know if I can take much more TT. It sounds like you realize the harmful effects of it, and are trying to make yourself better.Once you have compassion, it is easier to live a 'cleaner' life for yourself and with your spouse. Good luck with everything.

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