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Support for BS that WS used prostitutes

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Tiredofthepain posted 2/28/2013 08:01 AM

I would love for this thread to be devoted to those of us that our WS went to prostitutes so we can share our stories and the unique pain,shame, and betrayal that goes with this type of cheating. Hope to see some other members post here for support.

Bobbi_sue posted 2/28/2013 08:43 AM

My XH was apparently with more of them than he could count in our 13 years of M. This was long before I knew of SI, and I mostly just dealt with it on my own.

It is in the long past and at times I have mixed feelings about my own continued participation on this discussion board because I successfully blocked out so much of that first M (I divorced him in 1992-93) before reading about so many other "similar" experiences here on SI that have even caused me to wonder why I was not more curious, and did not try to find out more answers than I did.

My XH ended up marrying the final OW (who was not a prostitute). They have been married over 20 years. Lucky her. NOT!

I grew up rather naive in many ways. The ugly world of prostitution is something I can not deal with, nor do I I wish to know details of how that all works. It is too gross to me and I don't want to know and never asked for any details.

And I have three kids with this man (all grown and all amazingly brilliant and successful). Some of my siblings remain friends with him to the point they take vacations with him and his WIFE! I do not want my siblings or our children to know the extent of how sick it all was. Yes, it is humiliating even though it is not our fault! I would die if our kids ever learned about this. They know about the cheating, in general with two different women, but they don't know about the prostitutes and other ONS.

Because I have kept quiet about that, I think some of my siblings think the D was "my fault."

This may not be what you want to hear but the thing that helped me to "deal" with it the best was to get a D.

hardtimesinlife posted 2/28/2013 08:44 AM

You are right about the shame. I don't mention it often but my dday came about because someone photocopied the arrest record from when ws was caught in a sting. I received it in the mail on the same day as 100 other people we knew. I need to move past that shame because I wasn't the one who went trolling for filthy trash.

Hugs to all.

JanaGreen posted 2/28/2013 09:01 AM

You are right about the shame. I don't mention it often but my dday came about because someone photocopied the arrest record from when ws was caught in a sting. I received it in the mail on the same day as 100 other people we knew.

Oh my God. I am so sorry.

The ONS with an escort back in July 2010 is what brought me here in the first place. I believe that none of the other shit that happened afterward would have happened if not for the ONS. He never dealt with his shame about what he did in any kind of healthy way and it almost ended us. He was out of town with someone else, someone who does this kind of thing on the regular (unbeknownst to us at the time) and my H showed great weakness - he got drunk and went along with it. They ordered up a couple of call girls like late-night pizzas. I didn't know people who weren't crackheads actually used hookers but sadly I guess it's fairly freaking common.

I'm sorry to everyone who finds themselves here. ((HUGS)) all around.

Tiredofthepain posted 2/28/2013 09:02 AM

This is a special kind of pain isn't it? Not only did they cheat, but they planned,which was many, many steps and in any of them they could have stopped and not done it.
The fact of cheating is horrible enough, but to know they paid to do it with trashy filth is beyond my understanding.
I never thought my WS would cheat, much less with whores.
Who would ever think of that?
I am trying to hard to move past the pain, heartbreak and self esteem issues.
My WS is a SA and they seem particularly drawn to whores, guess it's the secret part of it and the whole low self esteem they have that makes it so appealing to them.
I am so very sorry for both of you and very much understand your pain.
I have tormented myself these last 3 months on the details of what he did and the lies I know he is still telling me,but I have now decided to just let my mind face the biggest fears. The details of what he did with them that hurt so bad that he isn't admitting. The amount of times and whores it probably was, the money, locations, all of it.
I will never know the whole truth, but if I am going to stay and try to rebuild this I have to accept that he is lying and move on. What other choice do I have?

Tiredofthepain posted 2/28/2013 09:09 AM

I didn't know people who weren't crackheads actually used hookers but sadly I guess it's fairly freaking common.

I always thought it was only men who wanted something their wives don't do sexually, well, there isn't anything I don't do.

I also thought it was men who were lonely or never got sex.
Guess we found out that any man can do this

How in the hell can they do it? Knowing that 5 minutes earlier some other guy was in the same woman? Some men actually fool their self into believing the women actually want them.

That's the saddest part to me, hello! you paid them to fuck you and pretend they want you!

I also think many men do it so they can be with someone who looks a certain way. They can pick ones that have a nice ass, big tits, whatever it is they want. It's entitlement. They get it in their head that they deserve this type of woman, well, hell I deserve someone that looks like the guys from Supernatural but I wouldn't cheat to do it!

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 9:10 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

JanaGreen posted 2/28/2013 09:18 AM

I also think many men do it so they can be with someone who looks a certain way. They can pick ones that have a nice ass, big tits, whatever it is they want. It's entitlement

That's one thing that really bugged me at first. I kept asking him, what did he say when he called? Send over a blonde? Send over someone with big boobs? What is your fantasy fuck, my husband, because I know it isn't me?

That part doesn't bug me anymore. He doesn't even know what he said. You know what's nuts? Looking at the phone records, there were multiple calls back and forth to the service - and in between those calls, calls to me. Drunk-dialing middle of the night calls. I VAGUELY remember picking up at least once and talking to him. Probably laughing at him for being drunk and stupid.

ETA: I hate to say this - but I don't think I could ever accept that my H was lying and then move on. I think that's dangerous and puts you on shaky ground. If he cannot be honest about what he did in the past, what are the chances he will re-offend? We all have to draw our own lines. You definitely have choices - you can choose to stay and accept that he's lying. I know that would absolutely eat me alive like acid, but that's me. You can choose to say that if you don't feel you have the 100% truth, you're out. That's a valid and COMPLETELY understandable choice as well!


[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:30 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Tiredofthepain posted 2/28/2013 09:38 AM

Well, the place he got them from was Backpage, so he could pick and choose which ones he wanted. God, I write that and not only can I not believe it, it makes me want to vomit.

I guess I keep hoping he will tell me the truth at some point.
I am hoping that his IC counselor can make him see he has to tell me the whole truth.
SA's are known liars. He of course tells me he has told me everything, but when something doesn't make sense, it's usually because we don't know the whole truth.
Is it possible he telling it all? Yes, but it's not probable.
He knows he can't fully recover from SA and rebuild this marriage if he is still lying so I am still holding out hope he will get the courage to tell if there is more. He has TT me for months on the details of what he did with them. I can live without knowing any more of that. I know enough. What I think he is lying about besides that is how many there were and how he contacted them.
Only he knows what he really did and until he can be strong enough to come clean with me, his recovery work won't mean shit and he knows that. It's up to him to decide if he can be strong enough and trust me enough to tell me everything.I am willing to wait because I know with SA they do this, they hide and minimize and lie, lie and lie. Until he stops he can't recover and no, I can't truly move on.
I guess I meant that I can move on not knowing the horrible details of what he did with them. What I do know kills me, but I am trying to handle it.
I finally realized that me needing to know every detail of what he did with them was only hurting me. So if I just accept in my mind that he did all of the things I fear he did with them, then I am facing my fear and I can move on from that..if that makes sense out of this nonsense

[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 9:46 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

JanaGreen posted 2/28/2013 09:48 AM

The SA is a complication I don't understand - I know it's a very difficult thing for a spouse to deal with.

JamieMc posted 2/28/2013 10:41 AM

To the OP, thanks for starting this thread, I sent you a PM, as well. There is lots of shame about being cheated on with hookers but the BS's shouldn't be the ones carrying that burden. My WH's story is a little different in that he picked up his first hooker outside of a strip club, claims he thought she was a stripper that just needed a ride. His story is that she then offered to give him a BJ in his car for $, which he agreed too then dropped her off at a bus stop. This happened more than 5 years ago. The second whore he admits
was also an unprotected BJ in his car. I found out about both on DD when he confessed, sad story is also in my profile. WH claims that his porn habit wasn't doing it for him anymore and then a strip club opened right up the road from his job. He actually had the balls to tell me he wouldn't have cheated if the club hasn't opened nearby:( He took a Poly which helped me to feel like I have as much info as I am gonna get.

[This message edited by JamieMc at 10:42 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

ladyvorkosigan posted 2/28/2013 10:55 AM

I always thought it was only men who wanted something their wives don't do sexually, well, there isn't anything I don't do.
Yes there is. You don't prostitute yourself.

It's not the acts they're seeking, it's the arrangement.

Bobbi_sue posted 2/28/2013 12:26 PM

I have no idea if my X contacted "escort services." From what little I asked and he told, I know he was (still is) a truck driver and they would go knock on the door of his truck, so he said.

He was a compulsive liar but I used to be so darn trusting and naive that I believed that. Now, I hope to gosh that they don't randomly solicit truckers that are trying to sleep in their trucks, and that it was him that signaled somehow he was open to that. It seems more logical with what I have come to realize, even though that certainly doesn't make him any less disgusting...

We look for "I can relate topics" and yet in over six years on this forum, I have not seen one other person who was married to a trucker who was addicted to prostitutes. I'm sure they exist though. At this point in life, even though it doesn't mean anything in my current life, I am curious to know if prostitutes knock on doors of trucks without any signal the person in side would be "willing."

Tiredofthepain posted 2/28/2013 12:49 PM

I am so glad this thread is allowing all of us hurt in this particular way to vent, ask questions and just be there for each other. I am so sad today. Not angry, just so sad and hurt.

For the truck driver question, I do know whores hang around the places they park all of the time. I am sure many of them would knock on doors to get business. I mean if you think so little of yourself to advertise your nasty twat for sale online what won't you do?

Tiredofthepain posted 2/28/2013 12:51 PM

Yes there is. You don't prostitute yourself.

It's not the acts they're seeking, it's the arrangement.

Oh so true! It's so sickening that the women who do this think so little of their self to do and our WS thought so little of their self to be with them...and I thought I had low self esteem..

Tiredofthepain posted 2/28/2013 12:53 PM

JamieMc, I sent you one back
I hope this thread can help those of us here that need it..we need all the help we can get.

JanaGreen posted 2/28/2013 22:19 PM

Bobbi, I remember a long time ago seeing a bumper sticker in a gas station. It showed a lizard wearing a blonde wig, lipstick, and a short dress with an X over it, and it said, "No Lot Lizards." I asked someone (I think it was my ex who loved his CB radio) what that meant, and he said lot lizards are hookers who hang around truck stops. The truckers put those stickers on their trucks if they want those "ladies" to leave them alone. That is just the way it was explained to me (my bf was not a trucker though). I do think what your H said about the women knocking at the trucks is feasible.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 10:20 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

absolut posted 3/1/2013 02:06 AM

yes, what he described is completely accurate, as is the term "lot lizard"

Bobbi_sue posted 3/1/2013 05:56 AM

Oh, there is no doubt I heard the term "lot lizard." I would think, though, that at least a few truckers would actually get angry if a "lot lizard" randomly knocked on their door asking for a "date." What if there was a whole family in the truck, or a man and wife, etc?

This topic bothers me, well because my son now drives truck and takes after his father in so many ways. I do not believe he would cheat on his beautiful sweet wife who is stuck at home with two little kids on her own (talk about deja vu) but even the idea of lot lizards knocking on his door makes me

It is not something I really want to talk about in depth with my son, because as mentioned, my kids don't know about the extent of their father's cheating. My son in particular worships his father (so much so that he takes after him, obviously).

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:00 AM, March 1st (Friday)]

WhatsRight posted 3/1/2013 07:03 AM

I was raised very conservatively and prostitutes were just something that I knew were "out there" but certainly not a part of MY life!

Then, while in the bed with mono, one Sunday I just felt like something was telling me to check my husband's computer - I had never done it before. Found a lot of porn.

Then, 2 months later, again, checked his computer. I saw a picture of his erect penis in the foreground, and a naked, dark, female body in the background. I know you might not believe this, but I HAD NO IDEA who or what it was. When he answered, "Its a prostitute" I actually died inside. My life has never been the same. There is a hole in my soul that will never be filled.

He told me that he was driving to his hotel (while out of town on business) and she flagged him down at a stop light - wanting a ride. He said he had no idea she was a prostitute. He said he would take her to the drug store. She asked if he wanted a bj. According to him he said no repeatedly, but finally "gave in". (So glad she didn't want him to rob a bank!)

I transfered the picture to my computer and spent HOURS every day zooming in on her face, her body, her expression. I obsessed.

Thank you for this thread, because today, almost 6 years later, I think the worst part to me is the "prostitute" element. For 6 years I have been trying to figure out a way for it not to be true. For my husband NOT to be the kind of man who would do this.

I am ashamed. I am horrified. I don't think I will ever get over it. And although I have pleaded with my husband for YEARS to 'work' on our marriage with me, he does not. He has too much guilt and shame to deal with it. Also, he has told me that he knows I will never get over it.

Maybe he is right. I know I have forgiven him - I just need him to be actively involved in the repair. He says he cannot forgive himself. It has ruined his life. It has ruined my life. He is a broken man. We are both miserable, and I feel we would be just as miserable if we divorced. So, we are together, but miserable.

Unlike one person who posted, I did not do just ANYTHING sexually with him. But he had never asked for anything that I had not tried. I don't know if that is partly the reason for his chosing her. He is disabled and sex is very different with him. He says it was only a bj, and he made her stop halfway through it, when he realized what he was doing. I even asked him at one point - "If it was just a bj, did she do that better than me?" Of course he said no. What else could he say?

I guess the same selfishness and weakness that enabled him to make that choice with the porostitute enables him to avoid facing it with himself or me.

I pray my defeatest attitude is partially due to my dday coming up in a week or so. The actual day he did it. I am a person of faith, and I guess there is a morsel of hope that I could feel connected to him in some way again at some point.

I'm so sorry if this is a t/j. And I am so very sorry for all of your pain.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 7:23 AM, March 1st (Friday)]

Tiredofthepain posted 3/1/2013 07:49 AM

I am sorry you have the need to be here, but this thread is for women like us so no need to apologize!

I am sure everyone is ashamed that their WS cheated, but there is special kind of humiliation to admit to yourself or others that they chose pure trash that they paid money to screw! I mean these weren't accidents. They didn't get too drunk at a party or bar and make a mistake. They planned this. My WS used loan money to buy whores. He would get change back from purchases to buy them and we do not have a lot of money.

I have not shared this with anyone, but our house needs a lot of work done to it and my youngest child needs a new bed. We had looked at beds last June and he just kept saying we couldn't afford it right now. He was screwing whores from late May to July.

Do you have any idea how that feels? I know he is a SA and that they don't behave in the same manner a "normal" cheater does,but this is just one element that it so hard to accept. Every time I see all of the things around here that need replacing or repair and know that he used money to buy sex instead keeps me so upset.

I was me that made the comment about doing anything sexually. We all have to remember this had nothing to do with us or what we do or don't do, or how we look or anything. Days like yesterday are harder for me to really get that, but it's true.

My WS would have done what he did no matter what. No matter where we live, where he works, how I look or how I am in bed.
I really began to believe this even more since he has admitted so much of his lifelong problem to me.
A couple of months after we moved in together he made 900 calls and for 20 years it never made sense to me why he would have done it. The relationship was new, the sex was awesome and things were great. He always said he was just curious, but since D-Day he has come clean a lot about his SA and he had been doing those calls long before he even knew me. Pieces of the puzzle.
He came into this relationship a SA, but even with the 900 calls, cyber sex and massive amounts of porn, I never thought of SA and never though it would escalate to cheating with whores, but it did. I wish I had realized just how bad how problem was.

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