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How do you refer to AP?

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SecondHelping posted 3/4/2013 08:40 AM

When you and WS are discussing A, how do you refer to AP?

I started of calling OM her boyfriend...she got upset and said "I don't have a boyfriend!". Yes, but you did.

Then I started calling OM just 'him'. That worked for me and didn't upset me.

She called him by name once and that pissed me off!

Lately, I've been referring to OM as 'you friend'. She has said she has no feelings for him but doesn't want to see him any harm. Also, if it weren't for NC and she say him, she would like to appologize. To me that's still qualifies him as a friend.

There has been NC since D-Day and she is doing the right things. I'm pretty confident he will never attempt to contact her again, but we still talk about A.

BrokenMomof1 posted 3/4/2013 08:42 AM

We have very rarely said OW's name. WH had the same reaction as your WS when I referred to her as his girlfriend. Mostly we say "her" or "that girl".

NikkiD posted 3/4/2013 08:45 AM

Ah, well, im not nearly as nice as yall are...."that bytch..."...yeah, childish I know, but that is where I am with it at this point.

lordhasaplan? posted 3/4/2013 08:49 AM

Funny, I used to call him all manner of things I cant repeat here.... But now, I dont. Never do. He doesnt exist. He is so meaningless and irrelevant to my life. However,
If I ever see him, He will definately never exist ever again.

TrustGone posted 3/4/2013 08:51 AM

At first I referred to her as his "Girl Friend" as that is what she referred to herself as. He never liked me calling her that and said he didn't have a GF. Yeah, whatever!!

Now I just refer to her as "his whore" or "that whore", just accrding to what kind of bad mood he puts me in at that moment in time.

wahoo8895 posted 3/4/2013 08:51 AM

For about the first year or so after the A ended, when talking with FWW, I referred to OM as "your boyfriend." It pissed her off when I did, but frankly I didn't care. Eventually that got old. Since around 2nd antiversary, I simply call him by his given name.

FWW still will only refer to him as "you know who."

I guess it reminded me too much of how in the Harry Potter books everyone was scared to say the name Voldemort and would refer to him as "he must not be named." As Dumbledore would say "fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself." I guess I no longer feared OM, so stopped fearing his name.

(Of course, I recognize the need to use abbreviations on this site to respect the privacy of participants -- so don't believe referring to OM as "OM" here reflects a fear of his name)

keeponkeepingon posted 3/4/2013 08:54 AM

I call her whorebag. And that is with a lower case w, not capital. MrKOKO has even refered to her as that before.

Usually if she is ever brought up now it is typically "that girl" or just "her". I have also said "your whore" or "your girlfriend".

whorebag shares the same name as a line of luxury jewelry that MrKOKO use to buy me often. Of course she spells it the trashtastic way of adding an "i" to the end instead of the "y". I just about threw up in my mouth even talking about the jewelry recently. I cannot even say that.

I have a rose bush that I had pre-A that shares the same name as the jewelry and I renamed it to Any Other Name Rose. My IC was pleased with that because she is often working with me to reframe things that are hurtful. My IC also encourages me to actually say whorebag's name, at least in sessions as it is a safe place, because this takes away whorebag's power.

[This message edited by keeponkeepingon at 9:02 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

Kelany posted 3/4/2013 09:00 AM

Since there are so many, I refer to them by their names usually.

Sometimes I refer to the two that hurt the most as Skelewhore and Whordes.

Tred posted 3/4/2013 09:03 AM

It varies with my mood, basically I just call her AP "him" when I'm discussing her affair - I don't have to amplify who "him" is as my fWW gets it. When I'm triggering or pissed off I've referred to him as "your lover" and "your boyfriend" as both were true statements for a long time; he was both her secret lover and boyfriend. I hate using his name, but every now and then I'll slip and use it. I've never had a nickname that was really derogatory to refer to him, but the one that would fit him would be "the player", as that is what he was. But the bottom line is my wife wanted to be played and used, and got exactly what she was looking for and never saw it coming. He just used her like a sex toy and never gave a shit about her, was f'ing multiple women as well, plus him and his wife were swingers with a few other couples, so no telling how many different women he was f'ing while my W thought she had something special with him that was worth destroying our marriage.

[This message edited by Tred at 9:04 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 3/4/2013 09:10 AM

Well, I used to refer to the OW's as girlfriends. But then I realized how ridiculous that sounded....I started to feel as if I was his *friend* who was discussing his love life. And yes, that is technically what it was, but I just couldn't say that word anymore because it walked too close to *legitimizing* his outside relationship. After all, married people don't get to date, for fucks sake!

So I just started referring to them by location or season. There is Iowa slut, (town)girl/who is also Fallgirl. There is (state)slut. Oh and then there's also Elevator Girl. Yea, that's a nice one. According to Sultan, he literally bumped into her in an elevator as they were both going down to dinner, started chatting, decided to share dinner together since they were both going to the same place....and well, we all know where it led to after that. Dumb fucker.

I choose to not say any of their given names because, again, I'm not going to legitimize them. I shouldn't even KNOW these people.

Ascendant posted 3/4/2013 09:10 AM

Using the name is really, really trigger-y for me, even when I'm talking to people with the same name but unrelated in any way. I usually say "It." Once or twice I've called it "That thing you were fucking." or "That thing you fucked." The only time I don't is when is becomes cumbersome; i.e. really asking questions or details related to the A, then it's mostly 'him.' I've thought about pulling out the "boyfriend" word, but I believe it's remained in my pocket thus far.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:12 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

HFSSC posted 3/4/2013 09:13 AM

There is a back story to this that I won't go into again. But JM refers to her as the Poolstick. I love that because it's a common, utilitarian object that is used and put away. It also symbolizes something to him that was used to inflict pain and destruction.

My name for her is Whoreible. It fits.

Ascendant posted 3/4/2013 09:18 AM


Well, I used to refer to the OW's as girlfriends. But then I realized how ridiculous that sounded....I started to feel as if I was his *friend* who was discussing his love life. And yes, that is technically what it was, but I just couldn't say that word anymore because it walked too close to *legitimizing* his outside relationship. After all, married people don't get to date, for fucks sake!

You just stated the exact reason I've avoided saying "boyfriend", even though I hadn't realized it myself. It does seem to sort of normalize and legitimize the 'relationship', and it feels icky to use such a normal, common-use word on suck a sick, twisted relationship.

I choose to not say any of their given names because, again, I'm not going to legitimize them. I shouldn't even KNOW these people.

Unfortunately I can't always do that. We (my WW and I) work together, and AP used to be our coworker for almost 7 years. By and large our other coworkers either have no idea about the whole thing, or have very little idea as to the extent, so the AP comes up in stories about parties, reminiscing, etc., about the past. The whole thing is really triggery, so I'm trying to find a new job.

SisterMilkshake posted 3/4/2013 09:19 AM

Most of the time cumdumpster. Also, it and slut. C u next tuesday if I am feeling particularly hateful. I have tried to say its name, it actually makes me gag. Maybe I should start calling it Voldemort.

In MC, FWH said that OW referred to itself as his "girlfriend" and he didn't see it that way. He was shocked that both MC and I both said, in unison, it was your girlfriend.

P.S. Hugs to ((((JM)))), HFSSC

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:29 PM, March 4th (Monday)]

Bikingguy posted 3/4/2013 09:26 AM

It's interesting, no one mentioned the name I told her I also refussed to use: lover.

We were at MC and she was referring to someone in a book whom he left for work early everyday, however it was to be with his "lover".

I told her since she said she never used the love word I would never refer to OM as her lover. It is her Affair Partner. Since he was also a "friend" of mine all names suck.

Funny thing is when I spell my last name on the phone and I get to a specific letter, I used to use his same name. Not anymore!

Also odd to find wisdom in the Harry Potter books. But I do agree I am giving more power to him, but not saying his real name. Just for now is feels better to use POS. There are other names, however we are in the wrong part of the forum to use them all. I will probably get a warning for the above acronym!

nolight posted 3/4/2013 09:28 AM

The slunt.

confused82402 posted 3/4/2013 09:32 AM

I call her bitchface....I just can't say her name and the thought of referring to her as his ex girlfriend makes me want to vomit. Besides, he's a married man so she couldn't have been his girlfriend... She was just some skanky woman who was willing to share a man with someone else. That is NOT a girlfriend, it's just pathetic

[This message edited by confused82402 at 9:33 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 3/4/2013 09:32 AM

The slunt.
I always forget that one nolight, but it so exquisitely perfect.

LosferWords posted 3/4/2013 09:34 AM

"fat fuck"

Nomorethankyou posted 3/4/2013 09:37 AM

My wh HATED when I called her his girlfriend. It is fascinating how many have had that same response. Any ides why?

I hate saying her name which I do understand gives it some power but I think it more like the shock of really graphic bad language that is hard and ugly to the ears.

Most of the time I call her ugly girl. She reminds me much of Gollum and sometime whore butt pretty much fits the bill.

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