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Former AP is a shadow

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vmsr1976 posted 3/4/2013 09:39 AM

I haven't posted in a while.

I believe R is going well and we are both very committed into making this work.

We are also both very involved in our work and hobbies. My wife is just starting to study photography and I am happy for her.
She is self-employed and her work is starting to take-off, even in this disastrous economy.

Everything seems to be going well.
However there is a muissance, to say the least.
My fAP just moved into our neighbourhood. I believe she is living about 150 meters from where we are. W already bumped into her in the supermaket. It's just a matter of days for me to run into her too.

She is from out of town, she lived 20kms away, but used to work here.

When we were involved, althouh I was separated from my W and not living in my marital house, I told her where I lived. So this is hardly incidental.

Although I believe that she is living with her boyfriend, I don't like that she is just next door.
It's a constant reminder of my infedility for my W.
And a slap in my face.

I have already spoke about this with my W. I said that although people can live wherever they please, it saddens me that AP's chose to go there.
My W said that she only wants for fAP to stay away from her sight. She finds her disgusting and crazy (which I understand).

I fear running into AP. She was already a distant shadow (1 year passed since I broke it off) and now returns to haunt us.

LastChanceLarry posted 3/4/2013 09:51 AM

As a BS my skin crawls at the thought of OM moving into my neighborhood and i would demand to move immediately. I would be very cautious of OW trying to worm her way back into your life, i'm not familiar with your story but it sounds way too coincidental for OW to move into your neighborhood. Is it possible for her to pick up a new BF that lives close by for the sake of getting closer to you? Most important thing right now is to talk to your wife and keep the dialogue open about the OW being so close. Also, don't be surprised if something bad "happens" to OWs car, i hear there are roaming gangs out there popping tires and carving "whore" into random vehicles.


[This message edited by LastChanceLarry at 9:51 AM, March 4th (Monday)]

BaxtersBFF posted 3/4/2013 20:35 PM

Can you make a plan to move? Is that a viable option for you?

This can't be coincidental, and that is a scary thing to consider given the weird stuff that can happen when infidelity is/was involved.

Stay safe. Talk with your BW and see if there is some solution the two of you can agree on.

startingover1090 posted 3/4/2013 21:18 PM

I want to move away from where we live for those exact reasons. We live in the same small town as the OW and i just know I am going to run into her at some point. Can you move? We can't right now but I want to ASAP as long as we stay together and if we don't I am def going to move away because it is just too much for me to keep cool.

vmsr1976 posted 3/5/2013 06:04 AM


I can't move.
Where I live people don't move as easily as they do in the states. My country is smaller than the vast majority of american states.
I cannot go into a another part of the country and get a job.
My wife's company is also here. She cannot work from other part of the country.
We also would have to sell our house and take a huge hit.

It's not something we would even consider.

And I don't want to move. We don't want to move.
This is my hometown, where I grew up, studied, where my family and friends live.

She had no business coming here. But she can do it, of course she can.
And it hurts us.
I already am walking in the street worried that I might meet her.
I have to prepare myself for that.
My will is to completely ignore her.
And if that is not possible I intend to send her packing and leave us alone.

Clarrissa posted 3/5/2013 09:08 AM

One important thing to do is discuss with your W what exactly you will do when you run into the OW. By all means ignore her if at all possible. Be rude if necessary. If her feelings are hurt, BFD. Her feelings should not matter.

But definitely talk to your W and come up with a plan on how to deal with contact.

vmsr1976 posted 3/9/2013 10:41 AM

An update.

It's confirmed.
Former AP lives in the neighbourhood.
Today coming from my grocery shopping I saw her walking home.
I has asked some questions and turns out she lives here with a boyfriend.

When I got home I told my W. She told that she already knew because she had seen fAP at the bakery last thursday. She stood right next to fAP.

I was surprised by the way my W treated me when I arrived home that thursday: she was super aggressive, she was picking on me constantly and I couldn't understand why. Now I know.

Today we spoke a bit about this and I said that at times I think we should move. But my W said no way, let her move, we will not be going anywhere because of her.

Couldn't she just go somewhere else?

OktoberMest posted 3/9/2013 11:42 AM

Urgh. That's properly shit. I understand all the rubbish that goes with moving - the UK is small too (compared to the US anyway ) but I couldn't stay.

The xOW has proven her point - she could go somewhere else, but she chose not to. Weird if you ask me, because why does she want to be near her previous nightmare with a BF? Just goes to show how odd people are.

You have two choices. Move, or stay. Either way you have no right to control where she moves to - even if you *should have*.

If you move there are massive issues along with that, but at least you've got her out of your lives for good.

If you stay, you have to accept that seeing her repeatedly, separately or together with you BW is going to be your life now. You have to formulate a rigid plan for dealing with thatand hope over time it'll become white noise so to speak that won't trigger her/you and won't affect your lives. That's a big hope/ask.

I'd move. But that's me. I don't mind moving and starting over. I couldn't live with the affect of the xAP constantly there. OUR quality of life is most important and I don't think we could live like that.

But it's possible. People on here R successfully with xWS's working alongide the xAPs etc. I couldn't but people do.

Nightmare. Sorry to hear this - extra stress your BW and you don't need. Do what you have to to make your family safe and happy. Taking a hit on the house - restarting might be worth the trade off. Remember if you think of moving as giving in or "losing" to the xAP, you are laying a game with her. She "wins". There aren't winners here - only losers. If don't play her game, then you cannot lose.

Keeping talking to your BW, keep reassuring her, make plans and do what you have to do to be safe.

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 11:42 AM, March 9th (Saturday)]

vmsr1976 posted 3/9/2013 13:00 PM

All things considered moving is not the best option for us.
Our jobs, our families, our friends, everything we ever knew is here.
We live in a great place. My wife just started her own business here.
My W says that she can take this. And if she can I can.

The fAP cannot and will not control our lives.

If she does her grocery shopping in place A, let her do it.
My plan is to ignore her completely. Not even engage in a nod, a blink or anything. That was with my wife did.
And that is what I will do.

She knew that I live here.
I believe that she probably moved on with her life completely but her choice of place to live (she is not from here) shows me that she probably didn't proccess what happened to the fullest extent.
When she had a chance to move, she moved right next door. I know this is a great place to live in, probably it was a good oportunity, etc, etc.
But still!

I remember that I declined playing in a band that rehearses in her former neighbourhood just to avoid any run-in.

If she had digest our A as an A, she would be ashamed to even come close to my Wife (or even me). That is not my problem.

My wife is so strong. How could she face fAP at the bakery and ignore her?
She should have never been through the awful feelings that she felt when she was faced with fAP.

OktoberMest posted 3/9/2013 13:14 PM

Good for you - you sound like you've thoroughly discussed this and made a joint and mutual decision for the best.

My wife is so strong. How could she face fAP at the bakery and ignore her?
She should have never been through the awful feelings that she felt when she was faced with fAP.

Bss are increibly strong people - they stood by us waywards during and after all our shit didn't they? ignoring the fAP may have even felt good - after all your BW has the person your xAP wanted...that\s gotta sting the xAP.

But your'e right we should never have put our Bss in these situations. but we did and here we are. It's what we do know that counts now.

Offhispedestal posted 3/11/2013 08:12 AM

I can sort of relate. My H AP
works about 6 min from our home.
I have seen her several times and
It does stir emotions in me. I ignore her. My H thinks I'm so strong but the truth is I have no choice to be strong.
She does not live super close, around 10 miles. We have like a 50/50 chance of running into her.
If I go to the drive through of certain fast food places, I can clearly see her car parked at her job. I ran into her at a store. When I left I had a rush of horrible memories and was shaking bad. My H was extremely understanding but it was a super quiet night and that SUCKS!!
I love our home but we just can't walk out and leave. I am certain that MOW has little to no remorse. She went to a festival at my H's job last yr.
there was at least 200+ cars but I saw it as soon as I drove in. The same festival is this weekend and im sure she will go since its her birthday even though my H doesnt even remember that.He has never run into her. He says he hopes he never does. I just don't know what his true reaction would be. I think he would feel anxious like I did?
I know your wife says she can handle it. But every time she sees her, it will cause her these bad feelings and like you mentioned she was cranky or seemed upset and you didn't really know why. I don't , we don't want to live that way. I put this in Gods hands, if its meant to be that we stay here then he will ultimately give a way to deal with it in a way that's not going to ruin the day each time. Or she moves. If you see AP again, let your wife know ASAP. Tell your wife how sorry you are that you ever had to put her in a situation like this, hug her tight and let her know how much you love her

vmsr1976 posted 3/14/2013 12:50 PM

I have talked with my W extensively about this and about everything.

I believe that fAP is a completely f*cked up person and I was a weak and boundary-less in a personal and marital crisis.

Just listing the stuff that fAP did after I broke it off gives me the creeps:
- she bombarded me with texts until I warned her that there would be consequences
- she started dating a (ex) friend of mine
- she quit her well paid and secure job
- she sub-rented a bar/social club where I used to go, and where we met
- she once expelled one of my friends without a reason, which led the owner to kick her out
- she sold her new house in her home town and moved in with her new boyfriend to a place that is about 150 mts from where I live
- she started to go to the regular places where me and my wife shop, etc.

I am not saying that it is a conspiracy. I hope that she
is just living her life.

But if she had any sense of self-respect and shame, she would never have come here.
I am ashamed, remorseful and regretful of everything I did.
Just now I began to be able to speak with my wife without starting to shake.
How can anyone on the other side can expose herself to face my W on a daily basis and not feel like a piece of crap baffles me.

By moving to this place she proves that she is either sadistic or masochist. In either case I find her behavior despicable to me and my W.
I wish her to be kicked out of her home soon.

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