I believe R is going well and we are both very committed into making this work.
We are also both very involved in our work and hobbies. My wife is just starting to study photography and I am happy for her. She is self-employed and her work is starting to take-off, even in this disastrous economy.
Everything seems to be going well. However there is a muissance, to say the least. My fAP just moved into our neighbourhood. I believe she is living about 150 meters from where we are. W already bumped into her in the supermaket. It's just a matter of days for me to run into her too.
She is from out of town, she lived 20kms away, but used to work here.
When we were involved, althouh I was separated from my W and not living in my marital house, I told her where I lived. So this is hardly incidental.
Although I believe that she is living with her boyfriend, I don't like that she is just next door. It's a constant reminder of my infedility for my W. And a slap in my face.
I have already spoke about this with my W. I said that although people can live wherever they please, it saddens me that AP's chose to go there. My W said that she only wants for fAP to stay away from her sight. She finds her disgusting and crazy (which I understand).
I fear running into AP. She was already a distant shadow (1 year passed since I broke it off) and now returns to haunt us.
~Larry
[This message edited by LastChanceLarry at 9:51 AM, March 4th (Monday)]
3+ years later and I am doing great! Hell of a ride but well worth it.
This can't be coincidental, and that is a scary thing to consider given the weird stuff that can happen when infidelity is/was involved.
Stay safe. Talk with your BW and see if there is some solution the two of you can agree on.
-Finding my way-
I can't move. Where I live people don't move as easily as they do in the states. My country is smaller than the vast majority of american states. I cannot go into a another part of the country and get a job. My wife's company is also here. She cannot work from other part of the country. We also would have to sell our house and take a huge hit.
It's not something we would even consider.
And I don't want to move. We don't want to move. This is my hometown, where I grew up, studied, where my family and friends live.
She had no business coming here. But she can do it, of course she can. And it hurts us. I already am walking in the street worried that I might meet her. I have to prepare myself for that. My will is to completely ignore her. And if that is not possible I intend to send her packing and leave us alone.
But definitely talk to your W and come up with a plan on how to deal with contact.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
It's confirmed. Former AP lives in the neighbourhood. Today coming from my grocery shopping I saw her walking home. I has asked some questions and turns out she lives here with a boyfriend.
When I got home I told my W. She told that she already knew because she had seen fAP at the bakery last thursday. She stood right next to fAP.
I was surprised by the way my W treated me when I arrived home that thursday: she was super aggressive, she was picking on me constantly and I couldn't understand why. Now I know.
Today we spoke a bit about this and I said that at times I think we should move. But my W said no way, let her move, we will not be going anywhere because of her.
Couldn't she just go somewhere else?
The xOW has proven her point - she could go somewhere else, but she chose not to. Weird if you ask me, because why does she want to be near her previous nightmare with a BF? Just goes to show how odd people are.
You have two choices. Move, or stay. Either way you have no right to control where she moves to - even if you *should have*.
If you move there are massive issues along with that, but at least you've got her out of your lives for good.
If you stay, you have to accept that seeing her repeatedly, separately or together with you BW is going to be your life now. You have to formulate a rigid plan for dealing with thatand hope over time it'll become white noise so to speak that won't trigger her/you and won't affect your lives. That's a big hope/ask.
I'd move. But that's me. I don't mind moving and starting over. I couldn't live with the affect of the xAP constantly there. OUR quality of life is most important and I don't think we could live like that.
But it's possible. People on here R successfully with xWS's working alongide the xAPs etc. I couldn't but people do.
Nightmare. Sorry to hear this - extra stress your BW and you don't need. Do what you have to to make your family safe and happy. Taking a hit on the house - restarting jobs...it might be worth the trade off. Remember if you think of moving as giving in or "losing" to the xAP, you are laying a game with her. She "wins". There aren't winners here - only losers. If don't play her game, then you cannot lose.
Keeping talking to your BW, keep reassuring her, make plans and do what you have to do to be safe.
[This message edited by OktoberMest at 11:42 AM, March 9th (Saturday)]
The fAP cannot and will not control our lives.
If she does her grocery shopping in place A, let her do it. My plan is to ignore her completely. Not even engage in a nod, a blink or anything. That was with my wife did. And that is what I will do.
She knew that I live here. I believe that she probably moved on with her life completely but her choice of place to live (she is not from here) shows me that she probably didn't proccess what happened to the fullest extent. When she had a chance to move, she moved right next door. I know this is a great place to live in, probably it was a good oportunity, etc, etc. But still!
I remember that I declined playing in a band that rehearses in her former neighbourhood just to avoid any run-in.
If she had digest our A as an A, she would be ashamed to even come close to my Wife (or even me). That is not my problem.
My wife is so strong. How could she face fAP at the bakery and ignore her? She should have never been through the awful feelings that she felt when she was faced with fAP.
Bss are increibly strong people - they stood by us waywards during and after all our shit didn't they? ignoring the fAP may have even felt good - after all your BW has the person your xAP wanted...that\s gotta sting the xAP.
But your'e right we should never have put our Bss in these situations. but we did and here we are. It's what we do know that counts now.
2Beautiful daughters DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed) DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
In R
I believe that fAP is a completely f*cked up person and I was a weak and boundary-less in a personal and marital crisis.
Just listing the stuff that fAP did after I broke it off gives me the creeps: - she bombarded me with texts until I warned her that there would be consequences - she started dating a (ex) friend of mine - she quit her well paid and secure job - she sub-rented a bar/social club where I used to go, and where we met - she once expelled one of my friends without a reason, which led the owner to kick her out - she sold her new house in her home town and moved in with her new boyfriend to a place that is about 150 mts from where I live - she started to go to the regular places where me and my wife shop, etc.
I am not saying that it is a conspiracy. I hope that she is just living her life.
But if she had any sense of self-respect and shame, she would never have come here. I am ashamed, remorseful and regretful of everything I did. Just now I began to be able to speak with my wife without starting to shake. How can anyone on the other side can expose herself to face my W on a daily basis and not feel like a piece of crap baffles me.
By moving to this place she proves that she is either sadistic or masochist. In either case I find her behavior despicable to me and my W. I wish her to be kicked out of her home soon.
