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? For BS's--Missing your WW or WH

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RemoursefulGirl posted 3/12/2013 19:26 PM

This question is for all the BS's out there who separated after DD or tried in home separation after DD.

How long did it take before you actually started to truly miss your WW or WH (if you saw that they were being completely remorseful and trying to save the marriage)?

aesir posted 3/12/2013 19:29 PM

Actually, it had a different effect on me.

The old saying about absence makes the heart grow fonder, well it's a nice platitude to cover when people have to be away from each other, but it's nowhere near a universal truth.

aesir posted 3/12/2013 19:29 PM

Actually, it had a different effect on me.

The old saying about absence makes the heart grow fonder, well it's a nice platitude to cover when people have to be away from each other, but it's nowhere near a universal truth.

RemoursefulGirl posted 3/12/2013 19:31 PM

Meaning you left your WW or WH and enjoyed the separation?

Imsorry1 posted 3/12/2013 19:49 PM

miss him? the man I miss died. If he ever existed. I think this just allowed me to wake up out of the Matrix.

I am now unplugged. I was married to a Smith. Whether I stay that way or not remains to be seen.

TXwifemom posted 3/12/2013 19:52 PM

Sorry, that was me. Wrong log in.

RemoursefulGirl posted 3/12/2013 19:54 PM

What if he was truly sorry and taking all the steps in the right direction and you honestly felt it?

Neithan posted 3/12/2013 20:14 PM

What if he was truly sorry and taking all the steps in the right direction and you honestly felt it?

For some, it's still a dealbreaker. And some betrayed folks don't want it to be a dealbreaker for them, but despite their best efforts to reconcile with their WS, it still is.

It's just nobody knows where love goes, but when it goes sometimes it's gone.

I hope you find peace and your heart's desire.

Brokenheart777 posted 3/12/2013 20:35 PM

I guess it's a difference between missing the old them and actually missing them. I miss the hell out of my WGF but I have been in withdrawal from her before I had my DDay. I know I still love her, as fresh as it is. But overall, I missed her before during and after

RemoursefulGirl posted 3/12/2013 20:42 PM

Are you a mad hatter brokenhearted? I see you said "before your DD"

Brokenheart777 posted 3/12/2013 22:39 PM

Sorry, no. DDay was my discovery of her 3 month PA/EA with OM. She had been having internal conflicted feelings with our relationship well prior to her betrayal. My first post tells this tale. I thought she just fell out of love and wanted to separate. Unfortunately by the time she told me she wanted a separation to "figure out what she wanted" she had already been with OM numerous times. I had missed her and wanted her back so badly during that time. Once DDay hit I was devasted but even now with her working to ease me pain where she can, she still doesn't know that she wants to be with me. She lost herself and her thought of our future. I miss her badly every day. I miss us and what we used to be.

aesir posted 3/13/2013 02:07 AM

Meaning you left your WW or WH and enjoyed the separation?
Meaning that since I actually moved out and was not seeing her everyday, I started to feel different. I know she has regrets about things now. As for remorse, who knows? I don't know how one could see remorse from a person who was not present. It's hard to describe, but I don't think separation is conducive to reconciliation. It just gets easier to move on with your life, the unknown becomes known and is not so scary.

Faithful w/Love posted 3/13/2013 09:18 AM

Yes, I miss my old husband. I miss the fun we use to share and the togetherness, I miss everything. We are seperated and see one another everyday but its not the same.
For me I think I wish so badly we could go back 3 1/2 years and had stop the start of his A, lord knows I tried my hardest to stop it, but I could not stop him. He did what he did because he wanted to. So if you ask me now, yes, I miss my old wh. I miss the love he use to give me. I look at my wh now and still wonder who he is. DO I want to R? Yes, I faught a very hard battle these last 3 1/2 years to give up now BUT, I will not beg and lower myself for this marriage and him. He has to do the work now and show me that he can be a honorable husband.

RemoursefulGirl posted 3/13/2013 09:32 AM

Aesir- are you and your wife going to go through with the divorce then since you are now separated? Did you ask for the separation or did your wife? Sorry for all the questions. Thanks so much for giving me your insight

whatamidoing posted 3/13/2013 09:46 AM

my WH and I were "separated" prior to DD and I missed him already I knew something wasn't right and tried to push and pull him back
DD plus a couple of days and I missed him
I miss him every day
I miss who I thought he was who I thought we would be the future I wanted and the past he crapped all over with his changing of history
I miss the way work was when we were we... no that I am I and he is he work has lost it's passion
my home has lost it's comfort
I miss him
I will always miss him

NoLongerWantHim posted 3/13/2013 10:07 AM

I miss the illusion of a marriage and of a family that existed when I worked hard at having that illusion.

For me, DDay was a deal breaker. What happened after just proved my gut was right.

Fireball72 posted 3/13/2013 10:17 AM

For some, it's still a dealbreaker. And some betrayed folks don't want it to be a dealbreaker for them, but despite their best efforts to reconcile with their WS, it still is.

This was me. My XH tried everything to get me to stay, and I do mean everything. I do believe that he was sincere, but for me, infidelity was just something that broke the relationship outright. I moved out on D-Day, and never returned.

Did I miss him? I missed who I had thought he was, yes. The person that he turned out to be? Not at all. No amount of words, gestures or effort could mask the fact that he stepped out on me. For me, loyalty is everything - and he didn't have it for me. Once I knew that... game over.

Gr8Wht71 posted 3/13/2013 10:40 AM

She had been having internal conflicted feelings with our relationship well prior to her betrayal.

This could have been plucked right from my mind / situation. So sorry for you Brokenheart777

To RemoursefulGirl - Like Brokenheart777 said, I missed the wife I thought I had even before D-Day, if that makes any sense. My WW had been "checking out" for about six months, prior to D-Day. Staying out late, not coming home, partying with "friends" and being very secretive. I was thinking that maybe she was in a mid-life crisis, and I was letting her have space and trying to be supportive.
The last month has been such a shock, to say the least. My wife, the woman who loved me, who would never have an affair, and who wanted to grow old together, is gone. I am trying to determine if that women ever really existed.
I don't even know the woman I am married to right now, and I don't know if I want to.
Maybe if she showed real remorse and was honestly interested in saving our marriage, I might feel differently. But I have already gone through four or five fake R beginnings, so I can not really say.

Paladin posted 3/13/2013 12:21 PM

Yes..I love and miss her...but Im also mentally ready so move on if she never "gets it"..

She is out of her fog woth OM...but still heavily invested in her rewrite of the M...and thus still blame shifting...

TrustGone posted 3/13/2013 12:34 PM

I never missed my XWH#1. I had fallen out of love with him years before, but stayed because of the kids. I think his EA/PA? was just the means to an end for us. WH#2 will be a different story as I loved him and trusted him with all my heart. However I don't miss him, I miss the husband I thought he was. That realization is what has finally told me that I need to move on. The person he is now is not the same, neither am I. Once you drop an atomic bomb into the marriage, it is hard to find and pick up the pieces of the marriage that are now left. Neither of us are the same person since the A.

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