Topic: Tell the BW or no?
Member # 38623
| Posted: 4:53 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
For those that don't know, I am the fOW. I left the MM it's all in my profile.
I have been reading a lot and is seems telling the BS is generally the right thing to do, but this has always been to/from the BS to a BS. I have never thought about contacting the BW and I'm not sure that I should since I am the OW. She has had one DDay and he became the *remorseful doing everything right" husband, except he never left me.
I could no longer live with myself and what I had done/was doing. I couldn't face myself anymore.
Do I tell? As far as I know to this day she has no idea he continued his affair with me. Is it best to leave it alone since I am the OW? I'll be truthful and tell you I have no interest in contacting her, it will just cause her more pain and I do not want to do that.
I don't know what to do.
Affair with MM - 05/2010 - 10/2012
Broke it off 10/13/2012
I despise myself and what I have done. Looking for answers
Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 38063
| Posted: 4:57 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 24924
| Posted: 4:58 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
No, it is not a good idea for you to contact her in any way. Coming from you, it would seem to her that you are rubbing her face in it.
I understand your concern, but the best you can do for the BW (and her WH) is to remain in No Contact.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
Posts: 3204 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
Member # 3011
| Posted: 6:19 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
I struggled with this too, years ago when I was done with XMM. For a while, I was physically ill over whether to tell BW. Ultimately, I chose to keep silent because it seemed disingenuous to tell her NOW that the A was OVER. And it also seemed spiteful, although I certainly wasn't FEELING spite.
It's been quite a while but I still think about it from time to time and wonder whether I made the "right" decision. She and XMM are D now, btw. For all I know, maybe she DID find out.
I recommend letting it go and working on you. Very glad you are out of the A!
Posts: 451 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Virginia
Member # 38207
| Posted: 6:26 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
As a BW, I was told by the most recent OW. Sometimes I am grateful she told me. Usually, however, I hate her for it. I will NEVER believe that she told me for my benefit. Does the BW deserve to know? Absolutely. But, you are not the right source IMO.
Posts: 1539 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 38705
| Posted: 6:30 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
Do you know what you want to gain from telling the BW?
I, personally, would not seek her out and tell her. If she came to you, I would tell her to talk to her hubby, but (if pushed) probably answer the questions with yes/no.
Sometimes it's lonely, Sometimes it's only me & the shadows that fill this room...
But it's a great day to be alive & the sun still shines when I close my eyes ~Travis Tritt
Posts: 84 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington
Member # 21136
| Posted: 7:05 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
From a BW,
I'm not sure why you would want to reopen this wound for her. She has already suffered pain that you can never understand until you yourself wear her shoes.
If you are truly out of the A, then let it be and give her some peace. If MM tries to contact you again, tell him that one more contact and his BW will be notified of his repeated attempts to resume the A and that you can supply the proof. I have no sympathy for this kind of sneaky insincere two-faced WS.
Please seek IC so as to hopefully prevent another such event from occurring, and to come to some peace yourself.
Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012
When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
Member # 13447
| Posted: 7:30 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
She was in a false R and didn't know?
I'll be the dissenting voice and say she should know. I would hate to hear it from the OW but I'd rather know the truth of my M than not.
This is from my perspective though. If I have another d-day, EVER, it's immediate D. So being told would be of a help to me, no matter who told.
Is there a friend or family member of hers that you know she confides in? Some way that an electronic trail of communication can be slipped to her?
Brainstorm about the kindest way to let her know she was in a false R. She *is* in a false R. Because you can't truly R with lies like that between you.
"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
Posts: 11644 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 30989
| Posted: 9:24 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
I'm with Holly. I strongly believe the BW deserves to know. How can she move forward constructively if she does not have the truth?
WH (Trac-fone), 54, PD
2 kids-DD27, DS20
When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.--Viktor Frankl
Posts: 13784 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 30182
| Posted: 9:46 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
As a BW, yes, I would want to know I was in false R, even if it had to come from the OW.
You already helped destroy her marriage. It is not for you to judge whether you will cause her more pain, since you have no idea what her M is like. Maybe her WH is playing his role well and she feels she needs to give him a chance, but knows false R is a deal breaker.
You have an opportunity to give her the truth. IMO it is the least you can do.
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid. 1 on the way.
Reconciling and healing
Posts: 1794 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 30024
| Posted: 10:17 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
I am with Holly, solus and cdnmommy. The BW should know the truth.
I was told by the OW. OW pretended to be its dead ex-husband in the letter OW sent me. OW told me in a very unsympathetic way. OW's intent was for me to kick FWH to the curb so OW could move in on him and not be blamed for telling me.
Tell as kindly as possible. Say you are sorry, call yourself some names, and get to the point, no embelishment, and none of your feelings matter to BW. At least, that is what I would have preferred.
I am so sorry to have to tell you this. I am a **** and I continued to have sex with your WH even when you thought it was over. The last time we were together was XX/XX/20XX. It is ended now. I will be NC with you and WS from this point forward. Again, I am sorry, although I know those are worthless words from me.
That is all I would want to hear from OW.
eta: didn't realize I was in Wayward forum
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:06 AM, March 14th (Thursday)]
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Posts: 12179 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 37645
| Posted: 10:46 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
Any other BW triggering over this AP post? I read the 1st sentence & almost came out of my skin.
BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)
Learning to breathe again - one day at a time
Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 36697
| Posted: 10:47 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
After reading your story in your profile, I think you need to tell her. Purely factual and with an apology that she probably won't accept. You know this guy's tricks and she needs to as well. If my STBX hadn't gotten so good at hiding things before I bought a house with and married her, my stupid, codependent ass might be in a different place right now.
Posts: 2730 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Member # 29283
| Posted: 11:15 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
Sister...I love your posts...but on this one, I must disagree. How about this...."Hello...I am the other woman and a cheater...and your husband is also a cheater...I'm so sorry I helped to hurt you!" I agree w/the rest of your post:) You can't make this shit up....it's awful....but let's not forget...it takes 2 to screw the fuck around:(
[This message edited by dov46 at 11:18 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]
Husband caught in EA/PA 1/09. Filed for Divorce 2/09.
Reconciled 3/09....remains rocky!
It's the friends you can call up at 4:00 a.m. that matter....Marlene Dietrich
Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From:
Member # 38683
| Posted: 11:52 PM, March 13th (Wednesday), 2013|
I would just let it go and move on with my own life, if I were you. It will only destroy some of the healing. If he he being truthful to her now and he resents what he done, it will never happen again. He will spend his life feeling guilt for the parts he hid. Either way, he will have his life to deal with this.
Me~Thrown away Princess
Together almost 4 yrs
Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: somewhere out there
Member # 38653
| Posted: 12:51 AM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013|
I have to agree with Holly-it is and Sistermilkshake! As the BW I would really want to know. I would be devastated to know, but as a Bw, I would need to know so that I could make an informed decision about whether or not I would continue to try with reconciliation. Without trust, there can't be a relationship.
It's the only honest thing to do. I think you are brave for wanting to do this. It will be painful, but I see this as being similar to one BS spouse contacting the othe BS, an unpleasant but very necessary thing to do. It is a human thing to do.
You are brave. Please do this for the BW. No matter what happens, at least you are no longer part of the lie.
Me (BS) 44 Him (FWS) 45
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Posts: 599 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 35846
| Posted: 1:12 AM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013|
I guess we are split here.
If it were my marriage I would want to know. What if he moves on to someone else? She deserves to know he was keeping it alive. It is better than living a lie. If you are the only option to bring it forward then it's your job to do it...IMO.Everyone deserves the right to make choices about the rest of their life by knowing the truth.
I would not do it without proof. She will just think you are a scorned OW.Or her H will be sure she thinks you are.
I would contact her via email...or snail mail, not by phone or in person. Keep it brief. You do not need to give any details, just the facts about going underground.
I would let her know a number to contact you if she wants to talk. And let her know you have the proof if it would be helpful should she want to call bullshit on her WH's lies.
She may never call you, she may sweep it under the rug and believe her H. She will be hurt, again. Devastated.
But she can face her future knowing she has the truth in front of her.
I do not like what you have done, but I give you credit for posting in this forum.
I hope you can get into some IC and heal what's broken.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
We have R'd
Posts: 3993 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 30826
| Posted: 6:25 AM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013|
I would want to know,and it wouldn't matter to me who told me.
The common advice on SI is not to contact the AP. I contacted OM the day after dday1. He told me everything I wanted to know. He was apologetic,straight forward,and answered every question. He told me the truth. I know this because when WH found out I had emailed him,he came forward with info that he hadn't planned on telling me.
I don't hate the AP. I realize they could have been anyone..they were just willing and convenient. I also dont blame the AP..I dont like them..and they knew WH was married..but I dont hate them. In an odd way,I am thankful that OM was honest with me and he helped me more those first few days than WH did. I just wanted the truth. I needed to know what had happened in my marriage...and AP told me.
If you do tell her,do it in an email. Be kind,be honest. Tell her her WH broke NC and stick to the facts.
M: June 2001
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 12256 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 38368
| Posted: 6:33 AM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013|
I would have to be in the want to know camp too. Would it be ideal hearing about it from the OW? no of course not, but is preferable to living a lie, not to mention the amount of second guessing ourselves and self-doubt that I am sure many of us BWs have when our H are deceiving us.
Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: U.K.
Member # 22386
| Posted: 6:43 AM, March 14th (Thursday), 2013|
I'd also want to know that I was living a lie.
Posts: 9045 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
|Topic Posts: 63|