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Taking another dip after a long high.

Mr. Aubrie tanked over the weekend. Badly. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it. It seems that he's come to grips with the A(s). But now he's seeing how my waywardness affected literally every aspect of our marriage. And it's hard for him to look at. I've tainted everything. I was much more cruel than what I was willing to admit.

Abandonment was mentioned. His family. The were never there for him. They gave him life, and then left him to his own devices. He was not supported emotionally or physically. They would use and abuse him to their advantage. If he would pull away or try to stand up for himself, they guilted him about it. Told him he was stupid and/or stubborn.

Abandoned by me. I was physically there for him but emotionally, the door was closed, locked, and barricaded.

When we got married, he had this vision of what a good marriage looked like. He saw relationships all around us that he didn't want. He was hoping for something different with us. But like he said, "You were very young. Stupid. And had a lot of growing up to do." We were speaking completely different languages at completely different levels.

I have not only been abused, but I have abused. More than I ever realized. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights I've listened to him talk about the old days. Alot of it I don't remember till he brings it up. I was so caught up in my cloud if idiocy, many of the details fail me. He on the other hand has a photographic memory. He remembers it all. In vivid, horrible detail. And he can't forget them.

I was so mean. So very cruel. Who did I think I was to say those terrible things to him? To beat him over the head with it? I had so much hate and anger towards his family. I could see what they were doing. But I couldn't see it in myself. Yeah, I know. Hypocrite.

This week feels much like it did shortly after Dday. Not much sleep. Lots of hurt, tears, frustrations, talking, emotional hangovers, and zombie-like days. Not only am I dealing with our own set of problems, but my sister is miscarrying. I'm bouncing from her crisis, my own feelings from my miscarriage resurfacing, and also the abandonment stuff. We both feel like emotional punching bags. We go from talking about my baby, to whatever he's thinking, to my sister's baby, to something else in a matter of minutes. It's a mess.

He is talking. Alot. Which is huge in itself. He must feel safe. So he is bringing this to me. God it hurts to watch him talk. The pain etched in his features. The slump in his posture. To hear him recount everything.

I loved him. It wasn't a healthy love by any stretch of the imagination, But I loved him the best I knew how. And it fell so short. He was such a gentle person. He was kind, considerate, stable, humble, and honest. I knew he wouldn't hurt me like my ex. They were polar opposites. I gravitated towards the safety that he offered.

But in my broken mind, I used all those things I loved about him, against him. I became the dominate, mouthy, abusive, dangerous person that I'd come to fear in my ex. I became my own worst nightmare. And that has hit me like a Mac truck this week. All the rehashing and talking had struck a chord and it's devastating all over again.

Books are ordered and on their way. I will definitely be reading them. I told Mr. Aubrie what they were, what they were for. If he wants to read them, he is more than welcome, I'm sure they'd be a great help, but it's completely his choice.

Improvements that I see during all this:

1. He feels safe enough to talk to me. I'm listening. And thinking before I open my mouth. We're communicating in a civil, open way.

2. We're supporting one another in all issues we're involved with this week.

3. We both acknowledge that our feelings are valid. No belittling, no down playing.

This crap is still tough.

I see a lot of growth in you to be able to let his pain in and listen to it. Good for you.

It isn't easy, but the only way to a truly authentic marriage is to know what is happening and what has happened.

The both of you will come out stronger, together in the end for this.

After Dday, I thought that I "got" it. In a sense yes. But not really.

This time, it's different. His pain is so. real. I can really feel it, hear it, see it, I can almost taste it. It's consuming.

We'll get thru this. Don't know when and it doesn't really matter. We're in it together and for the long haul. I won't be deserting him again.

(((Aubrie)))

But I loved him the best I knew how.

This is the best any of us can do. And honestly, the growth you've shown is so encouraging---you know so much better, and it is so evident in the way you now love him.

I am so, so sorry for the pain you are both feeling. I know it's real, and excruciating---and that nice words don't change that even a little.

But I am so proud of you. I know that doesn't mean much from ...well, me. But if some strange lady from Illinois can see it, those who matter in your life can see, too. You're a good wife. Your husband is lucky to have you.

We all would be lucky if our partners were half as proactive and loving as you.

It does feel different when we drop our defenses and allow that other person's pain in. When we can stop defending our actions. And that is what you are doing, you no longer have a need to defend who you were, you see it now and can be ok with the fact that you are no longer that person.

Now you can empathize with what he needs from you and he senses that and can let you in.

It is a good thing.

Thank you "Strange Lady in Illinois". You are very sweet.

TG, yes the defenses are down. I posted about that recently. Everything is broken down and open. I'm as susceptible of being hurt by him as he is by me. I'm "all in". I trust him with everything. Present and future. And he is letting me into his world.

Good thing indeed.

It sounds like you are doing some really important work in your marriage. Many will envy you both. As someone once said to me, 'to love is to know', and when we really know someone, the good,the bad, the hurt, then we start to really see them. This applies to ourselves as well.

I truly believe that until we can pick through and grieve over our own pain, and truly FEEL the agony of it, then we can't feel that empathy for those we love who are in pain also. The scales really do fall from the eyes, so rather than just seeing our SO silent, angry or withdrawn, we start to see the pain and vulnerability in their face and actions. Its a revelation and we realise they are not much different to us, in that we are all so fragile and hurt.

I don't mind books, and am a prolific reader, but the sharing and listening you two are doing, is the real work and this will draw you so much closer.

You are both doing good I reckon.

I used all those things I loved about him, against him.

How true. Not only this but your whole post. I can see myself in it. I know I was a real bitch towards my BH during my A. It took me a while to admit it, but it's true. People have used my BH almost since the day he was born. His mom wasn't in love with his dad - she used him because she wanted another kid and he was in the Army. Which meant free health care and he would be away at Nam. By the time he was 12/13, his parents had long divorced and my BH had to start working to support his mom and sisters. When he was 17, he enlisted in the Navy so his mom would still have healthcare...

Sorry - I kinda ran with all that. Anyway, I could keep going about how my BH has been used by everyone his whole life. And it makes me so sad that I am included in this list. He felt so safe with me and I took advantage of that.

Just know your not that same person Aubrie - you have grown a lifetime in 1.5 years... And Mr. Aubrie also knows that ,as do you. All of this realization makes us stronger.

((hugs))

[This message edited by SandAway at 2:22 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

.. sending support and hope to you both..

..smy

I was a real bitch towards my BH during my A.

I think alot of us do that. Sadly for me, it wasn't just during the A. It was the entire relationship. That is sickening and unacceptable.

There is a part of me that is panicked, "How can I ever make this up to him?" I can't. There is no way I ever could. It happened. And I can't take any of it back. All I can do is work on the present, which will in turn, change our future. Still seems like I'm selling him incredibly short.

Today he seems to be in better spirits. He sounds happier, more cheerful. Our conversations are flowing more smoothly. I'm glad he's having a good few hours.

That whole rollercoaster bit is a crock of hooey. At least on a rollercoaster you know what you're in for. You can anticipate the dips and flips. With this infidelity ride, there is zero warning. It's more like wandering drunk and blindfolded into the woods, in the dark, on a moonless night.

((Aubrie84)) You are an inspiration!!

I'd imagine that part of what he's doing to working out why he put up with it. That can be the hardest part of a realization like this, not so much that you were treated poorly, but that you put up with it.

I have the utmost confidence that the two of you will work on yourselves and together to work through this

He is talking. Alot. Which is huge in itself

Yes it is!!! You have created and environment through your consistency that has helped him trust.

Awesome. Hard but really reassuring in a way.

(((Aubrie & Mr. Aubrie)))

Wow, Aubrie. I felt so much of what you just said.

Just so you know, I look forward to seeing what you have to say every time I notice you've posted to something I've written. FWIW.

I, too, was young, stupid, and had growing up to do. I did some of that, but my SA held me back from truly becoming someone worth being married to.

Thank you again for posting this. It means a lot to me.

Wow... I can see so much of myself in your post...

Would you mind sharing which books you have found?

It sounds like you are doing a lot of very important work in your marriage. Be proud of yourself.

It is an awesome feeling when your spouse lets you into them again. When they open up to you again.

I know that during my A, I was such a horrible person. I treated my husband like crap and he stopped talking to me and letting me into him. He stopped letting me know what was going on with him.

Now we have long talks again, not just about the A either. About life and just everything and anything. It is awesome to have my best friend back again.

And with that it sounds like you are able to get yours back too.

Things are going to continue to be tough but you will work through them.

wh5, yes you are correct. It's a combination of "Why did I put up with this?" and "What is wrong with me? Why does everyone hate me? What am I doing wrong?" kind of thing. He's struggling to accept and process it all.

Hard but really reassuring in a way.

Exactly.

Finally10, the books recommended to me were "Changing Course" by Claudia Black and "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

FR2012, my husband an abused introvert. It was rare when he let me in. (And for good reason!) Then you have me who was an abused, abusing, extroverted, adulterer. Add in complete lack of communication and abandonment and OMG...

We talk much more frequently now. About life, dreams, news, trucks, Pinterest, stupid stuff...just whatever.

It's a friendship/relationship that has been to hell. We're walking the path back home. We're walking together. And he lets me hold his hand. That is an awesome feeling.

Thanks everyone. This community is awesome and has been instrumental in our healing.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 5:23 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

I was a real bitch towards my BH during my A.

I think alot of us do that. Sadly for me, it wasn't just during the A. It was the entire relationship. That is sickening and unacceptable.

Me too Aubrie.

And reading your post I am realizing that I still have room for improvement on making things safe for him to talk to me about it. I still make mistakes and have to back track and say, "what I should have said was..." Or, "I'm sorry (a lot)". Or, "I could have handled this better if I said this or did that".

Your mindfulness comes through in your posts. Thinking before you speak, what a blessing. I need more practice. Thanks for the good example.

I think "mindfulness" is the thing I have treasured most out of all of this.

I noticed myself stammering and stuttering a lot more after DDay and for a few weeks past. I think it was because my mind was working overtime to make sure I was saying the kinds of things I really wanted to say. I don't notice it as much any more, but I kind of wish I still had it. It was reassuring, in a weird kind of way.

It speaks volumes about the safety that he is starting to feel that he can bring this up to you and talk it through with you. He brings it up in expectation that you will understand and feel remorse because you have changed. Think about that.. he tells you how hurt he was by old Aubrie, because you aren't that person any longer. No longer a threat, no longer going to belittle him or hurt him. You will HEAR him. That is huge.