"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Hurt72 posted 3/14/2013 13:49 PM

I have been married to my wife for 15 plus years and in the whole things have been good.I have just found out that she has been having an affair for the past six months,only got physical for the last two.I did suspect something was wrong and when she came home one day in a rather distressed state I asked her what was wrong,she went to her room crying and not wanting to talk.I decided to check her cell phone bill and found numerous texts,pics and some calls to the one number.I confronted her with this info and she confessed to the affair.Approx 12 years ago she had a one month emotional affair which she assures me was not physical and 10 years ago she had physical contact on a one night stand.I honestly believe that I know of everything now and am trying to decide what to do.I do still love her and we are still under the same roof.The thing that really annoys me is in the fact she took this other man into out marital bed.Any help on where I go from here would be appreciated.

PointMan posted 3/14/2013 14:07 PM

So sorry that you are here. It sounds like you have a serial-cheater who has some serious issues. There are many great articles in the healing library on the left side of your screen.
Do you have children? Do you feel that your marriage is worth saving? Does she have remorse? When you found out about the previous affairs did you give her a zero-tolerance ultimatum?

easiersaid posted 3/14/2013 14:10 PM

Greetings...others with more experience will be along, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My dday was about 8 weeks ago, and like with your wife, my husband had a couple affairs, including a sort-of current once (sort-of because they didn't contact each other much more than once a month). What you do depends oon what you want. Do you want to stay married? Does she? If so, is she willing to stop everything, give you access to her phone, email, FB, etc.? In the early days and weeks, just eating, sleeping, working and caring for kids will be hard. Take care of yourself. You didn't cause this and can't control it.

Hurt72 posted 3/14/2013 14:13 PM

We have children but they are adults now and are aware of the situation and would like me to try and forgive her.She has ended the affair with some reluctance and is full of remorse with what she has done.She has categorically given me her word it will never happen again and told the kids this also.I do fell we have a future together but it's hard to get over this

lieshurt posted 3/14/2013 14:15 PM

She has categorically given me her word it will never happen again

Did she not do that the last two times she was caught?

tryinghard2013 posted 3/14/2013 14:17 PM

I'm two years out and it took me a long time to forgive but it can happen u must make sure there is no contact not ever

Hurt72 posted 3/14/2013 14:18 PM

She has categorically given me her word it will never happen again

Yes, she probably did and this is what makes it hard for me to forgive this time

lieshurt posted 3/14/2013 14:29 PM

She has categorically given me her word it will never happen again

Well, you know this doesn't mean anything. She can tell you this all she wants, but unless she is doing the hard work to get to the root of why she chooses to cheat, you'll just be back in this position again and again.

So, what is she willing to do?

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:29 PM, March 14th (Thursday)]

Hurt72 posted 3/14/2013 14:38 PM

She has said that she is willing to do anything to sort herself out and has started counselling to try and get to the bottom of her problems.I honestly believe she is making all the right choices to try and save the marriage but I myself do not know if I can get over this.

lieshurt posted 3/14/2013 14:50 PM

You might not be able to. We all have our limits. Only you will be able to decide if you've reached yours.

(((hurt72)))

toomanyregrets posted 3/14/2013 15:27 PM

Three affairs in 15 years.
One is bad enough, but three?

She promised it would never happen again the first time then there were two more.

Words mean nothing, especially when you've been lied to repeatedly.

You might want see a lawyer to concider you options.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 2:57 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Josephine01 posted 3/14/2013 19:30 PM

Hurt72,

Did you know about the other two affairs before this one? Or, did she confess them all at one time?

I would never suggest that anyone (unless they are in an abusive relationship) ever get a divorce unless one of the individuals really wants a divorce.

But you really need to dig deep inside and ask yourself some serious questions. Do you really think that she is remorseful, or do you think she is sorry she got caught? She may not want a divorce but is still not remorseful. Can you really deal with this rejection? If you can, is she patient when you ask her questions about it?

I am very sorry that you found yourself in this position. Please hang in there. There are people out here that cares

jimbo25319 posted 3/14/2013 22:21 PM

My FWW got one got one get out of jail free card. There will not be a second.

She didn't learn after the first two, what leads you to believe it will be different this time?

Contact an attorney and protect your interests. If both of you commit, it can be fixed, but sometimes enough is enough.

Dare2Trust posted 3/15/2013 00:53 AM

Hurt72,

Welcome, and I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.

This is a very conflicting statement:
She has ended the affair with some reluctance and is full of remorse with what she has done.

I'm not sure your WW (Wayward Wife) can be "full of remorse" if she was "relunctant" to end the affair.

Has your WW sent the OM (Other Man) a NO CONTACT LETTER telling him this affair is over and he's to NEVER contact her again by phone, text, email or in person?
Will she be totally transparent and give access to all her phones, text, email accounts; SO you can verify that ALL CONTACT remains ended?

If OM is married: Has his wife been told about this affair? She must be told immedicately.

What exactly is your WW doing to fix this mess she's made - and to help you heal?

THOSE are the beginning steps of "where you go from here."
Again -I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through.

Hurt72 posted 3/15/2013 06:11 AM

I have access to all her comms and have found nothing to suggest that they are still in contact.The OM is married and his BW is now aware of the situation.I have been made aware of the OM past and would describe him as a predator as he has has multiple affairs that have lasted for years.He seems to prey on the weak and basically tells them everything they want to hear.His marriage is now over and according to his BW he shows no remorse and blames her for they way he has conducted himself.I do believe that I must try and give my wife a chance as I think it will destroy her if I decide to end it.

Josephine01 posted 3/16/2013 14:03 PM

You have to worry about you right now. If you want to give her another chance because you love her, believe her, and can't imagine life without her then do so. I hope she realizes what a great person she has in her life.

But if you are giving her another chance because you think it might hurt and destroy her. Perhaps you should look deep inside. Will it destroy you in the process. Believe me I am not one to judge and I am not judging you. You seem like a good person and we all want the best for you.

Hurt72 posted 3/19/2013 13:19 PM

Thanks for all the help so far,it's very much appreciated.Spoke to her yesterday about the affair and the things that she said to the OM.She told me that at one point she did discuss leaving me ,that she felt I was no longer attracted to her.This is most definitely not true but maybe I did not show it as much as I should have.If I'm going to try and save this maybe I should not ask any more questions.She starts MC next week,so lets see what's comes of that.

Brandon808 posted 3/19/2013 13:43 PM

She told me that at one point she did discuss leaving me ,that she felt I was no longer attracted to her.

Does she still hold to this because it is classic blameshifting.

but maybe I did not show it as much as I should have

Don't buy into that mentality. She did not come to you and say "I'm thinking of leaving you because I feel you are no longer attracted to me." Why? Because that is the justification she used. You were not giving her broken nature the validation she was seeking. Many BH's here on SI did show our WW/WGF affection/attention. They chose to invalidate and simply not accept it. I guarantee you that if you think back you will remember times when you show her some attention just before or during her A's and if you ask how about those times even money says her answer will be that it didn't count because "you had to because you're her husband".

This is her third time betraying you and the M.
Her third time.

p.s. I know the kids don't want to see their parents split up but they need to be reminded that she is your wife. That relationship (husband/wife) is none of their business and they do not get a vote, especially when repeated betrayals are involved. Would they truly forgive so easily if their SO did this three times?

toomanyregrets posted 3/19/2013 15:15 PM

I'm not sure I could go through it again, let alone three times.

If your WW told the OM that she was thinking about leaving you, then I'd seriously think about your future together.

Hurt72 posted 3/19/2013 15:21 PM

Most of the people I've spoken to about this have given me the same advice and that is to let her go.Why is it so difficult for me to do this.I know I never want to go through this again but why do I still have feelings for her after all she's done,I must be nuts.