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WPaul posted 3/14/2013 21:21 PM


My BW thinks that one of the things that may have led to my A is conflict avoidance on my part.

I'm just wondering if others here have had to deal with this, and if so what methods have worked for them.



hardlessons posted 3/14/2013 21:28 PM

Do you think CA is an issue for you? If so, why? Cuz the wife said so doesn't count.

knightsbff posted 3/14/2013 21:59 PM

Yes. I don't think CA is a big one for me but I did get to a point where I stopped communicating with my BH about problems in our relationship or even things that bothered me. BAD CHOICE every time. It definitely primed the pump.

Trying to avoid pain or discomfort always yields exactly what we're trying to avoid. Relief and peace come from facing things and dealing with them.

Lulu38 posted 3/14/2013 22:51 PM

Yes. Something I'm working on too. You have to just say what think and feel and share your opinions. It is scary sometimes. When you least want to is when you need to push through. It does get easier.

My IC says to just say it and his reaction will be whatever it is. And that's ok. He may not be happy about it, but you have to be true to yourself.

WPaul posted 3/15/2013 22:53 PM

Hi All,

Thanks for the replies.

Hardlessons, yes CA is *definately* an issue for me. I *hate* getting into any sort of argument with my wife and I also worry about getting into conflict situations at work.

Thanks again,


Fallen posted 3/15/2013 23:42 PM

It was a huge issue for us too. My entire life, I took the path of least resistance, and that path led me straight into hell. It's really scary to talk about things and to have conflict with someone you love, but working through those conflicts is what makes the relationship stronger.

It took a couple of years of therapy for me to deal with the FoO baggage to finally get past that.

Misfit123 posted 3/15/2013 23:48 PM

Yes, My BH and I are both CA, which has made this more difficult. Our MC is helping us to open up, be genuine with our feelings and being transparent. It is very hard to change that behavior, so I like do tackle the hard talks at MC so far.

I like reading that others have this same problem. I don't feel so alone. I also appreciate reading all the advice everyone can give.

hardlessons posted 3/16/2013 16:02 PM

Wpaul, CA is a killer and affects more than we know.. Get the book When Anger Scares You. Learning and having the aha moments is about 10% of the battle. It's putting it into practice that is hard..

WPaul posted 3/16/2013 21:19 PM

Hi All,

Well, I actually had a minor conflict at work today (lazy people). Actually managed to deal with it in a way that left me hopeful that the situation was resolved and will hopefully not happen again... But like someone else said, its harder when its someone you love.

Thanks again,


pizzalover posted 3/17/2013 07:38 AM

I definitely avoided conflict in our relationship. Instead of talking to my BH about what upset me, I told other people, including my AP and his BW. Because I ran away, the pile of shit around me grew bigger and bigger until it collapsed on both of us.

If my BH decides we can R, I will ALWAYS come to him with what I'm thinking/feeling.

longroadahead22 posted 3/17/2013 07:40 AM

Yes CA is and was a big thing for me. It allowed me to keep the fantasy of the A as just that a fantasy. I said whatever the AP wanted to hear to make her happy. Cuz some part of me thought if she as unhappy or hostile about something than it takes it from fantasy into reality. Becaus every REAL relationship has conflict. I'm just now learning that conflict can be a good thing! I learn the most during my arguments, now I look for conflict due to me having the most personal growth following conflict!

budbusch posted 3/18/2013 18:54 PM

I would strongly agree that CA played a huge factor to my A. I had no boundaries and put myself out there. I had attracted co-workers and when I was perused, I went along with it.
1. I should not have put myself out there. I have since read Not Just Friends and put up “doors and windows”.
2. I should have not gone along with the A. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I did not want to cause conflict after it had already gone unprofessional.
To help with CA, BW and I have decided I need to pick one side of an issue and stick with it. I have always been wishy-washy and try and see both sides of the fence and could be persuaded in either direction. Instead of looking at both sides, I need to figure out what I stand for and stick with it. If I am different then popular believe, I need to stick up for what I believe in.

My suggestion to you is to create morals and stick to them. Your integrity is now in question. Can you believe in something and fight for it? That is my current goal.

uncertainone posted 3/18/2013 22:31 PM

I've seen conflict avoidance mentioned on SI quite a bit. Some of the examples seem a bit more "intense", for lack of a better word, than "simple" CA.

CA is actually pretty common. Not many enjoy conflict. We're kind of coached throughout many of our development stages how to avoid conflict, walk away rather than fight, carefully consider your words.

There are classes about avoiding workplace conflict. Shit, irreconcilable differences is an actual reason for divorce, which seems so stupid to me. Irreconcilable differences are a huge part of healthy marriages. You strengthen your bond working through them, brainstorming, compromising, taking turns, sexual favors...all kinds of neat stuff that can actually work pretty well.

I wonder how many folks think they're CA when they're really avoidant PD. I know someone that just recently was diagnosed with this and it was like a lightbulb went on for he and his wife.

She felt he didn't care because he'd withdraw rather than argue. Shut down rather than risk rejection or hurt.

I know you posted about being tested for Asbergers.

Here's a link. Might want to take a peek. It's made a huge difference with them. Like night and day.

uncertainone posted 3/19/2013 00:28 AM

Oops, forgot the link

WPaul posted 3/26/2013 22:33 PM

uncertainone, thanks for the post and the link - just looking now...


Strawda posted 3/27/2013 08:38 AM

I compleatly agree with you. My BS sess I compartamentalize things to make so I diddnt see what was going on and made it ok what I did, An that I went to an A cuss there was no conflict, no arguments cuss I could do no wronge to the AP and the AP always spoke good never bad. So I had to Open my eyes and realy look was that me? An it was. I did go stronger into the A the more me and my BS argued. You have to take off your rose coverd glasses and look an see it wasnt as good as you thought the A was. Try and open your eyes and put on your volkin ears as my BS sess. Look at the A logicly and why you had it. My A was a crutch. I was broken and leand to an A to what I felt was helpfull. Boy was I wronge. You need to just show consistansy that you wont strey when you two argue an you there good or bad. Is hard I know I still have hard time being consistant not streying. I hope you make it as I hope I do as well. Good luck

sosorryididthis posted 3/27/2013 22:27 PM


[This message edited by sosorryididthis at 5:45 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Trying33 posted 3/27/2013 23:31 PM

I was NEVER a CA, however ended up mirroring my H who is an extreme one.

Within our M, avoiding conflict and "just dealing with things" became a very positive and attractive trait. Nagging and asking for certain needs to be met was seen as "incompetent and incapable" of dealing with issues in real life.

If I think back, the A started in order to avoid the conflict that may arise in asking for my emotional needs to be met.

So, yes, I agree on many levels. Maybe it started cos of CA although I never would have thought this if not prompted by this post.

WPaul posted 4/1/2013 19:57 PM

Just tried getting the book "When Anger Scares You" on Kindle, but nothing comes up when I search for it... Any other CA book recommendations?

hardlessons posted 4/1/2013 20:25 PM

Are you allergic to paper?

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