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Sam793 posted 3/15/2013 11:10 AM

I text my BW while I'm at work. The problem I have always had with texting is you can't tell inflection or meaning of things. My BW was texting me from my iPad about me reading Not Just Friends. I started the book yesterday morning and stopped around noon at page 110. Last night I got into bed to start again and ended up on page 117 before I started having trouble comprehending and decided to call it a night. Just before I put the iPad down I checked one app for about 15 seconds. My BW picks up my iPad this morning and sees all of this.

As she is texting me from my iPad it causes me to get double of everything on my phone. So I text her on her phone the word enough which I was meaning in a jokey way then told her that I got to page 117 yesterday and thought that was enough. I meant I thought I did pretty good since I'm not a huge book reader.

My BW got upset at me saying I'm not 100% in the marriage. That I told her enough. That I still had time to use another app. Honestly I didn't mean anything the way she took it. I kills me when I upset her and even more when I don't even know that I am. I live her way too much and why would I do anything to jeopardize us when I'm trying to work on things.

Does anyone have some ideas how to make her realize this? I've tried to tell her before but she doesn't seem to understand my tones.

tired girl posted 3/15/2013 11:22 AM

This is going to take time and consistency.

She thought she could trust your love and you proved she couldn't, now she is hyper aware at any sign that maybe she should back away. You are going to just have to always be very patient when it comes to these kind of triggers. She is asking for you to reassure her that you are not screwing up again.

Be patient, reassure her what you meant, be careful with your words. Think about your actions.

TrustGone posted 3/15/2013 16:30 PM

It is going to take a long while before she trusts anything you say. This is a consequence to the A and the lying. Before you do things now, try and turn it around and think about how you would take this if it had been her that cheated and lied to you. What if she had texted you with the word, enough? How would you have taken it? She is not a mind reader either. The more you do this the more you will see how things can be misinterpreted in a BS's mind because of what she has been through. It will take time, consistancy, and patience to get back any amount of trust and everytime you do things without thinking you will take the risk of causing more hurt. Good Luck!!!

Finally10 posted 3/15/2013 16:42 PM

Sam

My take on a one word text saying "enough" would be that you were saying stop already, you're pissing me off---kind of like throwing a lit match into a pool of gasoline and I am not a BS. If you can't reply in detail what you mean, then send a "I can't answer in detail now but will in a few minutes" - not ideal, but at least its not an "I'm pissed off message" regardless of how you intended it.

UnexpectedSong posted 3/15/2013 16:47 PM

Apologize profusely.

Analyze why you sent that. All jokes contain a kernel of truth.

No more joking. Really. No. More. Joking.

Mitty posted 3/16/2013 17:11 PM

It's not really a time for joking, just think to yourself, was it actually funny..? is your bs having a fun time..? I hear your reading and making good progress but walk in those shoes and really feel how painful they are.. don't eat yourself up in guilt and shame but do stay focused, this isn't a time for any humour only love, understanding and empathy, I know as I'm in the same situation, hope it works out for you

uncertainone posted 3/16/2013 19:26 PM

My BW got upset at me saying I'm not 100% in the marriage.

Are you? The reason I ask it because you are reacting like someone that's been put on a diet they don't want.

"I'm being good. I'm doing "this" much and I'm not even a reader".

I know it's been pointed out several times I didn't choose to reconcile while on SI. True. I do know what doing work on something that isn't natural nor comes easy to me is like, though.

No one needs to draw me a map or give me a "to do" list. They'd be way behind me at that point. I drive myself. What do I need to work on? What am I seeing that's missing or not functioning right? How can I improve it, fix it, or just flat out replace it?

I don't work well micro managed but have had some bosses that have done that. I made sure I gave status updates and kept open communication with them. I'm not saying your wife is your boss. Just drawing a parallel from my own life.

This isn't your wife's project. Not her process to work through. Whether you reconcile or divorce getting to the root of this shit and rebuilding/reinforcing will need to be done regardless if you're going to be healthy and safe for yourself and others. It needs to be your goal and your focus.

Because of how tense things are right now there will times when wires get crossed, misunderstandings happen. When they do, own your part, apologize, get back on track. It's not a job and there are breaks. It's a whole new way of life otherwise it's just acting a role that will get tiresome, start pissing you off, become a marathon that just won't end and, sweet Jesus isn't it enough??? Are we there yet? Are you over this yet? Have I not been good long enough?

If that's what you're doing it will never work. You are on a path to a new life or you're reading from a script that will get very very old. Your choice.

Sam793 posted 3/17/2013 08:00 AM

I never was good dealing with conflicts. If I could avoid them I would do at all costs. I was never good at dealing with my emotions and kept them inside the best I could. I did and still do have a problem with facial gestures and tone of voice which sometimes come across different then what I mean.

I took the day off work today so it gave my BW and I an opportunity to sit down and talk about the A. As much as the ADs help me it doesn't change some things in my like the facial gestures and tones of voice. It was apparent yesterday. This is something I need to work on. I really care about my BW and would like to do anything to help her. She's going through a rough final weeks of pregnancy and even though I try and help her in day to day non A things, the A is still there and that's what she needs the most.