Mrs. P, interesting topic worth discussing!
I've seen several threads over the years when the WS talks about his/her BS's anger and it quickly turns into a discussion about abuse. I need to say that I take abuse seriously, however under the umbrella of infidelity I believe their are several factors to consider before one can determine whether or not their situation is indeed abusive.
Whenever I read any thread, I keep in mind that I am reading it from that person's perspective at that time in their R, S, or D. For example, 6 months into R is still very early times. It is highly doubtful that the WS has been able to work through all of the issues and have healthy perspectives. There could still be a lot of blame shifting, defensiveness, and the like clouding judgement. At this stage a WS might be happy to latch onto an idea that could take some blame away from them or at least take a small bit of focus off the real issues at hand. There could also be a tendency to blow situations a bit out of proportion, especially if a thread is started and fueled by others.
I feel it's very important to take the BS's previous behavior into consideration. For example, HT has always been a really nice, very reasonable kind of guy. He never said anything cruel, rarely raised his voice. Since DDay, that had changed. He has yelled, thrown things, made purposeful digs at me, and punched walls. Completely out of character.
One if the things we say is that in a normal situation that sort of behavior would be unacceptable. But this is not a normal situation. I don't believe it would be reasonable of me to throw out a shit storm of emotional abuse and expect perfectly reasonable behavior in return. It would not be fair of me to say that I am finished behaving like a child and now I need you to be grown up too.
I do believe that continued anger is a problem. If at almost 3 years out, HT continued to throw anger in my direction I would need to address it. If he had ever laid hands on me, I would need to address it. But he is doing the work and so am I. There have been times that an outside observer who did not know our situation would have certainly thought of HT as a total ass. But the same could be said for me, right? So allowing some leeway seems reasonable to me as I get where it is coming from. And quite honestly, I could have spun my story in such a way as to get sympathy not 2x4s. But it wouldn't have been honest. Just my sick and twisted perspective at the time.
I know that what worked for us will not work for everyone. I know there are very serious problems between couples that are better off ending it. I believe that physical abuse is a hard and fast line that should never be crossed. I just feel that emotional abuse has a vast amount of gray areas that it really needs to be taken on a case by case basis.