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startingover1090 posted 3/15/2013 23:38 PM

It's 12:30 am here and I can not sleep. My h stayed home from work today because he doesn't feel good and I have been running around getting stuff to try and make him feel better and on my third run out I called my dad. It occurred to me that this bastard thought he could live without me, his words, and here I am running around like a crazy person to try to please him. He kicked my ass out and our child's because he wanted to be with someone else and I feel like an idiot for taking care of him. For a week now I have thought about texting his girl and telling her she can have him because I just don't care anymore. I don't care that he is trying to be nice. I don't care if he wants or needs me. I just don't care. I can't think of one good reason why I have been running around for him other than thats what a wife does when her husband is sick. I make myself sick and I hate him, his ow, and myself right now.

startingover1090 posted 3/15/2013 23:43 PM

I want to add that I stalk the ow Facebook and she has been postinf stuff like "I could get use to this" and "this smile will last awhile" and I wanna throw up because I feel like she is talking about my h. I don't know if they still talk at work but I blocked her number from his phone without him knowing so I know they aren't texting but who knows what else they could have figured out how to get around me. If not then she has moved on super fast from my h and that should show him that she is not good news. He had such a veil over his eyes of who she really is. He is the third guy she has fucked from his work and that should have sent up a red flag... but apparently not

Chefj9 posted 3/16/2013 05:23 AM

I'm having trouble sleeping too. I just got yelled at because I woke him up from the light of my iPad.

I'm like are you kidding me?? He wakes up every night and is on his phone or iPad every single night. And for months was communication with the OW.

I used to stalk his OW on FB as well, it helped me figure out what was going on because she got bolder as time progressed. She's blocked us, and he's blocked her and I can't see anything anymore. It's probably a good thing, FB would have probably banned me for eventually flaming her...

(((((hugs)))))

Naivete123 posted 3/16/2013 05:45 AM

Same here. 2 nights now. The mind movies are starting to creep in too. I will be using a sleep aid tonight.

noprincess posted 3/16/2013 06:54 AM

Hi startingover1090,

Ahhhhh sleep! I remember sleep!

I don't know your story, but I wouldn't be running around in the middle of the night for him. What's he got, the flu? Too bad, he'll live. Let him deal with it..believe me, its you who needs the first aid.

Rella posted 3/16/2013 07:54 AM

(((so))),

I just don't care anymore. I don't care that he is trying to be nice. I don't care if he wants or needs me. I just don't care.

I remember that feeling, you do because it's expected of you in the role of the S, but then kick yourself for it.

I wish I could help you sleep... have you tried melatonin? Maybe 3 to 5 mg at bedtime might help. (((HUGS)))

Caligirl9566 posted 3/16/2013 08:02 AM

I can so relate..... I don't sleep I'm always thinking about "how could my husband do this to me?" I've been married 17 yrs and found out a month ago that my husband has been cheating on me for the last 5 yrs. He's also sick right now, but also knows better than to ask me for pitty! Because my give a damn is busted!!!!

Me 46
WH 51
Dday 2/12/13
Married 17 yrs
Working on it.....

sadone29 posted 3/16/2013 10:33 AM

(((startingover090)))

I know how you feel. I hate hearing him snore while I'm awake and shaking.

I hope you get some rest soon.

startingover1090 posted 3/16/2013 14:56 PM

He actually got up to check on me and insisted that I talk to him because obviously something was bothering me. We talked for 2 hrs before going to bed because he wanted to hear everything on my mind even though he felt awful. He has IBS and when he gets stressed it flares up. He keeps pushing me to give him a chance to prove himself to me and I am trying but I just can't move past him telling me he didn't want or love me anymore before he screwed the ow! I am stuck at this point

LonelyHusband posted 3/16/2013 15:10 PM

He actually got up to check on me and insisted that I talk to him because obviously something was bothering me. We talked for 2 hrs before going to bed because he wanted to hear everything on my mind even though he felt awful.

Hey this is good news. It shows he is at least taking an interest in your pain. That's a start!

As for hating him, yourself, the OW, the world, well frankly that's ok too. You're still so new, it's all still so raw. There's no timescale to any of this except that which you force upon yourself. give yourself time to feel like crap. You'll start to heal when you are ready.

Bikingguy posted 3/16/2013 17:52 PM

I say slip WH some laxatives:)

I am sleeping sort of OK but wake up with a rabid heart rate and sick stomach every morning. I literally woke up one morning and felt fine, then seconds later stomach was all in knots.

broken313 posted 4/17/2013 13:52 PM

18 days of rubbish sleep since dday.
Hard to calm my mind, then dreams full of him and OP. Waking before 6 with a lurch and sick feeling. Tried baths, herbal sleep tabs, even several glasses of wine but mind just not calming down. Dreading nightfall when kids asleep and nothing to do but go over and over it again. The most annoying thing is that he says hes not sleeping but i can hear the snores from spare room...feel like waking him up and sharing my thoughts. He's sleeping, exercising, eating, watching tv, ordering himself stuff from amazon.... Why cant i do any of this stuff? Still in horrible pain...

Theradin posted 4/17/2013 20:07 PM

I'm so sorry for the pain and anguish you are going through right now. But we (all BS's, that is) can RELATE! You may be confused, hurt, distraught, etc., and a lot of your behavior may not even seem rational (kind of like you've written about where you don't know what it is or why you're doing it!).. Given the situation (I've read some of your previous posts), the only advice I could offer is to try to take a step back and breath and reassess your feelings and thoughts. Try to look within yourself and see what he has TRULY done to you and your child(ren). If he is that messed up so as to 'kick out' his wife and child, then is that someone you really want your child exposed to as a 'reliable' parental example? What I mean is, try to put this in the perspective of your child (hard to do in the moment, I know!), and say, "What would be best for my child? This dude who f*cks around on his FAMILY, or maybe just a single mom until mom finds someone who can be a real MAN and come into both mom's and child's life and set a positive example).

May be a different perspective than what you're thinking, but worth exploring, maybe? After all, kids can really help with the most f*cked up of situations..!

Hopefully your pain and anguish will end sooner rather than later..

Phoenix1 posted 4/18/2013 01:24 AM

I am right there with you on the can't sleep part. I fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion for about 2-3 hours then I am up at 0200 for the rest of the night. I simply cannot turn off my brain. I've tried all the natural remedies as well as sleep aids but nothing helps. Once the wheels start moving in my mind it is a lost cause. Between that and being unable to eat, I am in great shape (not). I honestly keep hoping I will get a call that he has been run over by a bus so I can really mourn and move on. Sounds so bad, I know, but I am filled with so much rage right now I cannot help but feel that way.