But they all live far away.
I don't know that I could ever share my past with a new girl.It is too shameful. I am trying to build my reputation as a good an upstanding citizen again.
I really feel like only another reformed WW would understand. My old friends do.
Do you other WWs have a bestie? Did you make new friends after the A? Did you tell them?
These days, I'm more content to be alone. (Which is huge) But I do have a circle of friends that I talk to and hang out with. They just aren't the spill-my-guts-tell-them-everything kind of people. My A does not concern them. It is something we keep between me and Mr.
My "bestie" is actually an SI member. She is a WW and has been around since my beginning here. She is the one I can tell everything to, giggle about stupid stuff, cry about the ridiculous, and vent the crazy to.
Did that answer your question? It's been a loooong day.
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:13 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]
Im a FWW. She knows everything about me and still thinks Im awesome.
Which I fucking am!!!
[This message edited by ophelia24 at 9:20 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]
So good upstanding citizens have no past? Then I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them. Falling and getting up again is pretty much one of my top 5 criteria. Otherwise they're just aquaintences.
One of my best friends I met on here I'd trust with my life...and have
She's not wayward, though. Just Xxxxx.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
And are far more interesting.
HT and I have an agreement that we will not tell other people without letting each other know first. I believe unless you have gone through the process of R it is difficult to understand. So I completely understand your desire to want another WW to confide in. I think it would be great to have someone to be able to freely have conversations with, someone that can truly understand what the situation is without judgement.
On the other hand, friends take a lot of time. I already feel so short on time most days. I enjoy coming home after a long day and relaxing on the couch. I like being able to give HT and the girls my attention.
Couple friends are not exactly the best option for us either as my A was a double betrayal. I had what I thought were friends during the A but actually weren't. I find I keep myself at a bit of a distance these days. I am learning better boundaries and people don't necessarily need to know everything about me. I figure ill know when the time is right. But friendships are definitely more challenging since my A.
I love that some of you have people here on SI that you consider a BFF - that is just awesome!
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
My friends now are from here, women that understand the journey from loss to healing, I don't think you can truly understand that unless you have taken that journey. I don't have to explain myself when something is going on, they just get it.
One in particular. We ride the same wavelength. Have from day one. Her friendship means the world.
She was the calm, rational one.
We were a good match.
We talked a long time. She finally asked how Mr P was. Fine, I said.
She knows about the A. But, like many, attributes it to "marital problems." She only met my BH once. Didn't like him because he inadvertently insulted her, and she being more serious, didn't get the joke.
She can't understand "the work" "the owning your shit" "blameshifting" etc etc. I have tried to explain once before to her...and I sound like a crazy person.
Me "well, it was all my selfish issues, some FOO, combined with a good girl complex, and lack of boundaries...etc etc. It wasn't his fault"
It sounds like fucking Greek if you haven't gone through it.
I did tell her about my A after it began. She was shocked and told me I needed to tell my H. I didn't. She has been very supportive and many times has challenged me to see and think about things differently. She never just "takes my side", agrees with me or says things just to make me feel better. She is neither a BS or WS.
BH now has either very little or no respect for her and does not consider her a friend because she did not tell him about the A when she found out about it.
An interesting thing - only 2 of my friends know about my sexual assault. But all know about my A. I just cannot seem to talk about it.
And I have met some wonderful people here that have been pushing me in the right direction... I swear, it takes a village to get through this.
[This message edited by rachelc at 6:17 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]
After D-Day she was my rock. But as I healed, I got the feeling she wanted me to stay in pain. Then as her drinking worsened, she only wanted to hang with me when she was drinking (or so it felt). When I moved out of town this past fall, she made the trip last minute with me to bring some things we were unable to fit in the moving van and I was going to have quickly find a place to store.
But then she just stopped returning my phone calls but would send messages wondering why I wasn't reaching out more. And finally it all ended bizarly. I miss not having a bestie right now. But as toxic as she was, I didn't want to have to give up the friendship because she knew FWH and I before the A and lived through the nightmare with us. I didn't have to explain the history. I'm a little leary of having to cross that bridge with a new bestie.
ETA: I know I am not a WW, but on the other side of the coin, FWH confessed his A to is oldest friend as they were reconnecting. It was hard for him, but he did it. His friend (a BH) didn't bat an eye and has been a good friend going forward. He is able to be more open with new friends about his past and his choices than I think I may ever be able to be.
[This message edited by isadora at 8:08 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
The friend i lost was my rock at first as well and I know she was cheated on before but she seems to have forgotten that the man she was cheated on by she got by being the OW. He was still with his fiance but he said his fiance was crazy and horrible...I just remembered her telling me all this. So when I cheated she supported me but seemed more and more reluctant and then I dared to say she understood the feeling of self validation because its what she sought from men and why she was never single until recently. She jumped in and out of relationships constantly. She would say she just liked being in relationships and no one could judge her. Well she stopped talking to me after that convo and then I called and texted her and she never responded. She finally answered the phone one night around 10pm and apparently I woke her up and she told me off for waking her up. Then she sends me and email saying she can't be friends with someone who cheats and she couldn't believe I would compare us because she would never do what I did. Doesnt talk to me for months and when she finally does text me it was around Christmas and when I didn't immediately respond tries to guilt trip me saying she was in an car accident in my city because she'd come to visit some guy. I asked if she was okay never got a response and never bothered texting again. I have no clue what's going on with her, am still pretty angry at how long it took me to see that her friendship was toxic and once I told her what type of person she actually was and needed support so it wasn't all about her and her problems anymore suddenly I am a horrible person. She still owes me money because I would help her make ends meet almost every month and she makes me treasure the 2 actual besties I have managed to make in my life...sry my situation with her still upsets me a little. Thought I was over it.
The woman I'd currently call my closest friend was, 3 years ago, one of the casualties of my cheating---she, along with everyone else in my social group, had nothing to do with me while my XH and I were apart.
The other "bestie" I thought I had ended up being someone who fucked my XH right after D-day (and possibly before; who really knows?).
So I don't have the greatest track record with girlfriends. It's always been hard for me to make & keep friends.
Divorced from and remarried to XBH
First child (daughter) born February 2016
Anyways, my BH and I did decide to keep my As a secret between us for several reasons.
1) if I did tell my BFFs, they might tell their husbands (very likely!!) and we didn't want a group of people to know. Also since we have a bit of a foursome of girls, if I say something to 1, it might leak out to 2-3 of them. I'm just speculating however it's not worth it. I don't even want to say to 1 friend (hey..can you please keep a secret?) It's affair behavior all over again and that shit is behind me.
2) He didn't want people to dole out advice to him especially if it was to leave me.
In my opinion, I think it might depend on the gravity of the situation with the As. If it blew apart my marriage and we didn't R, I would've run to my besties for much needed support and I know they would have been there for me in a heartbeat..
I have several other besties in my life, some local, some not, and I make new friends easily. I would never dream of telling them. It would feel like letting them into my bedroom, no thanks.