SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everybody. I haven't posted here in quite a while. Brief overview, my late husband had an EA that I found out about at Christmas 2007, we mostly R'd (still some bumps in the road), and he died March 2010.

I am now in a new relationship. We have fun, I laugh like I can't remember ever having laughed, and I know he loves me. And I love him.

BUT

He has a need (not sure if it's ego or insecurity) to know that other women think he's well endowed. As in, he'd really like it if I'd tell all my friends about our intimate life (not gonna happen, I'm very private). He also has an exhibitionist streak about him.

He was married before and did cheat on his wife once. He seems to have been sincerely remorseful about it and assures me that he has grown up and changed since then. In talking yesterday about some of his past history and then talking some more this morning about his current attitudes about women and sex, I'm left feeling uneasy.

The positive is that he is 100% upfront and honest. The negative is that, as a former BS, there's no way I can hear some of this stuff and not feel ... I don't even know the right word, on guard, maybe? Like I need to protect my heart a little bit?

I'm not sure if these feelings are valid and real or if they really are just based on my past as a BS.

This is a good relationship. I'm happy and so is he. But I don't want to a) have on blinders to possible problems or b) go the other way and judge this relationship based on my last one.

Any ideas on how I can help clarify my thoughts and feelings?

And thank you for continuing to be here. I honestly never thought I'd find myself in New Beginnings...

.... UPDATE FROM DECEMBER 2013 POSTED BELOW ....

[This message edited by tuesdayschild at 8:27 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

I'm a FWS so I typically am quicker to defend other FWS, BUT I am seriously concerned on your behalf.

Has he gone to IC to try and get a handle on this need to have other women feed his ego? I would bet this was the root behind his A. And yes he might regret it, but that isn't enough to stop it from happening again.

It worries me a little bit also. Why does he care what other women think? He has you. That should be the one he cares about (as far as knowing how well endowed he is or isn't....)

My new guy is quite private about our private life. I mean, he will tell his very best bud that he is quite happy in that area....but I've heard that guys tend to not talk too much about their sex lives if they are serious about the woman they are with (something along the lines of they don't want other guys getting any ideas or looking at their special woman that way...)

So mine won't go into any detail. And I am a bit more open with my bff (we have few secrets, hey! we are girls!) and I told her he was hung like a horse and he has amazing stamina and it embarrassed the crap out of him (he said he was happy I feel that way, but he was also a bit embarrassed....but he also knows she is the only one that gets those types of details and he is way fine with that)

So I do worry that your guy seems to feel a need for that kind of validation. Also, the exhibitionist streak is a bit of a concern also. Can he perform okay if you two are totally in private?

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 11:10 AM, March 17th (Sunday)]

I see red flags,

he wants you to tell women that he is hung like a donkey he should have no need for others to know that if he's yours

The exhibitionist thing, like is what he doing legal? Nudest beach that kind of thing, whatever floats your boat or is he continually parading back and forth in front of the picture window facing the street hoping someone will notice him cause that's creepy,if it's a thing where you get wild in the wild, where your 99.9% sure that no one is going to see you, then I call that seizing the moment

It maybe a combination of past baggage, intuition, not really your thing, hard envisioning a future with such different privacy levels

With him being a WS in his previous marriage, I don't think it sounds like he did the work to find out what is messed up in him that would allow him to cheat on his BS, sounds like his personal boundaries are really weak

There is really no point in debating how fucked up or creepy his kinks are, because no amount of debating will make them go away. He's an exhibitionist who wants to share his big dick with the world and that's the way he is.

If his kinks don't turn you on, then my advice is to walk. Do you honestly want to be in a relationship with someone whose sexual tastes/behaviors make you uneasy? How can you be happy in the long run if the things he wants, sexually, make you uneasy?

I would run from this guy as fast as I can.

Why on earth does he want anyone to know if he's hung or not?

There is only one man I've talked about in that sense, just one.

The reason? He WAS hung like a horse! The first time I touched him I cracked up laughing in bed!! It was our first sexual get together. He told me to shhhh don't ruin it. I said seriously?! You are not putting that thing in me! I could not get my hand around it! I felt bad for him!

The next morning my daughter came home with my mom and there were packages on the stoop for her. A big doll, clothes for it and a few games. Along with flowers for me. What a sweetheart that guy was but I was not going there again.

Can you say ouch?

I mean this in the most gentle manner possible, when someone shows you their true colors...believe them. In my most rescent relationship I was shown a number of red flags and foolishly ignored them. It led to much heart ache on my part. Good luck!

I'm left feeling uneasy.

No amount of fun is worth that in the long run...Listen to your gut. Talk it over with someone you trust in real life--maybe a counselor who has some background in working with sexual matters. Make sure you don't compromise your standards, morals etc. to stay in a relationship, that just leads to pain.

If you are struggling so much with this choice that you returned after quite a while, then I think you know what path you need to be walking, you just dont want to be alone to walk it.

Follow your gut on this. You have an unease that you can't get rid of, and he's already asked you to do things that you really dont want to do.

IF you stay with him, you will always question, the gut will always be there, and you will always wonder when the other shoe will drop.

Walk away. Its totally ok to walk away from a 'good' guy. Its totally ok to say, thank you for the great laughs, but I can't give you more, and I need to go now.

Thank you so much for all of your insights and input. I am beyond grateful.

So, 9 months later (and much of that living together) I'm back again.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw in his computer history that he was looking at porn sites while I was gone to visit my kids, see friends, etc. He had told me that he used to look at porn but had stopped. So I was upset. This rang a lot of bells from my past and I moved my stuff out while he was at work. I went back to wait for him to get home from work because I wanted to talk to him about this stuff.

I told him I had found the porn and he lied to me about it. The porn freaks me out (yeah, I know a lot of guys look at it but it's not okay with me for my partner to be doing it) but the lying... whoo boy.

So I left.

I'm weak, though, and we have been talking some and seeing each other some. There's love but trust is lacking. And he has admitted his lack of attraction to me sexually so being vulnerable with him in any fashion is nearly impossible.

Right now I'm living in my house with my kids. They're moving into an apartment at the end of the month and the house is going on the market. He is hoping at that time that we will be at the point where I move back in with me. He loves me. He shows me in a lot of ways but I'm not sure it's enough. I don't know. I'm kind of looking forward to being alone in my house, after the kids move and before it actually sells, so I can get to know me and what I want. It was a long trek with my late husband (WS) and it's been a long 3-1/2 years since then. This last year, in this relationship, has had much joy but a fair share of pain and confusion as well. So I'm not doing any decision making in a hurry.

I don't know why I'm writing. I know the answers. I guess I just need somewhere to process it all. So thanks for a place to do that. Will you please bear with me if I need to do it some more?

And I'm wondering in which category this actually belongs.....

[This message edited by tuesdayschild at 8:37 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

And he has admitted his lack of attraction to me sexually so being vulnerable with him in any fashion is nearly impossible.

If he's not attracted to you, then where/when/with whom will he satisfy his sexual proclivities?

I told him I had found the porn and he lied to me about it.

So difficult to make a decision when you don't have the truth.

So sorry, tuesdayschild. I don't think either of you should settle for less than you deserve!