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Newest Member: danisisu7 (61142)

User Topic: their consequences?
♀ 37362
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

used to get really angry and frustrated with every small thing before Dday. After Dday I havent gotten angry at all. Maybe a few times with CL but I could immediately control my anger.

However whenever I think about OMs (during our A related discussions) I get really angry at them. I am not trying to blameshift and I take full responsibility of my actions. But I cant help but think that where are their consequences? Then I think Cl is facing all this even after doing everything right on his part so maybe I should just let it be.

But more often than not I get really pissed off at them. Thats the only time I have gotten really angry. How do you get over this? Also if OM come across what ur reaction should be? I think the ideal reaction would be just see through them. No hate/anger/cringe .. nope.. they dont really matter .. Has anybody really reached that stage? I know I am far from it.

I am not sure if I am making any sense here.. just rambling after seeing CL break down again

WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The anger toward the AP is normal for some. It took me a while to get to anger, which told me I was moving in the right direction in the beginning. Then the anger subsided and the AP is not an issue, not worth the time and energy. Sort of like what you describe. You're in transition. Keep working and you'll get through it.

WH - 46 (crap...)
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6114 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tri-Cities
♀ 34173
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to remember feeling angry that the OM had no consequences to his actions. LH and I seemed to be paying the price and LH hadn't even DONE anything wrong....

Then it went away. I stopped caring about him or his consequences because I realised that the consequences to him made NO difference to my life or to LH's life. Likely as not the OM has gone on to form another relationship...and will carry the same baggage plus some from the A with him into that. At some point his unhealthy ways of dealing with shit will crop up and he'll face another decision...or may be he actually did recognise the mess he helped to make and sought out how to become healthy himself.

Either way it makes no impact on my life. We are NC with this guy and his friends or colleagues. We found out on the grapevine his business went bust - but then we heard he passed that off with he was stepping back from the business to have a family of his own...that was less than a year after dday so we know he's lying to the masses and who knows if he's actualy having a family or not <shrug> All that whole information proved to me was he was still lying to people, so I guess I know whether he's changing himself...

I don't care if he faces consequences or not. I really don't. The only reason I face consequences is because I choose to own my shit and stay and work on my M. I choose that whether LH wants to R in the long run or not. LH faces the consequences of my actions because he wants to R and now is recognising some wayward stuff in himself too. Most waywards or APs will not choose to face the consequences. I know I didn't for a very long time. Not until about 15 months ago in fact. Why would you unless you had too? Most waywards that don't R, don't because they won't or don't want to face the consequences. It's hard, why would they?

I don't remember actively getting over that anger or feeling of injustice. Maybe it's when I realised my life was all about choices. My choices. And I could choose good things or bad things. What I can't do is chose for anyone else. Not LH and certainly not the OM.

In fact if I really sit and think about it now, what I feel towards the OM is disappointed. Nothing else really. And that's only because of the whole sorry thing. I have seen him since and I felt disappointed then too. At me, at the OM and at what we'd done to LH. I didn't want to see him then, and I don't now. I'm not sure nothing genuinely exists after someone has been involved in helping you destroy your M....there are too many negative emotions that run through the WS and BS to have nothing left.....but who knows. Maybe in a decade or two?

Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 3

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