Here is the pertinent info:
We've been married for 12 years and together for 15 total. WS is in sales and was having an emotional affair with one of her main clients that was quickly escalating into a physical affair.
Based on my reading of her emails (prior to password being changed) and viewing her texts and other info I stumbled upon, I get the sense that she is really the aggressor in all of this and is actively pursuing him. He seems to be enjoying the ride (he is married as well) and hasn't shut it down.
D-Day; 12/27 when she finally came clean after 3 months of lying and numerous requests to be honest since I had proof of the emotional affair. As late as Mid-December she was planning on when they would finally do the deed (recently purchased neglige, candles for the hotel room, condoms, lube, etc....)
Early January- Agreed to work on the marriage and see our pastor for marital counseling. There was limited contact between the two of them in January and February.
Mid February- Had a few sessions of counseling that seemed to go well and our pastor directed us to a Family Life Marriage Conference.
Late February- We attended the marriage conference and she said on the way home that she realized our marriage wasn't as bad as she thought. She also bought all these books for us to read together to grow closer together.
Early March- She started having to spend more time traveling to this particular client based on the deal being moved to the front burner and interacting with the other man again. Over the past 2 weeks, she suddenly became more distant again and was again acting as I could do no right and all of our marital work went right down the tubes. She was traveling last week and flat out lied that she had seen him for drinks before a big meeting (saw the texts as proof).
2 Nights ago- As she was putting our child to bed, I got on her phone and saw in the notes app that she is again wanting to pursue him and is already planning out the night where and how the whore can bag him.
So my questions...
1- Since she is clearly the aggressor do I call the douche bag and tell him to grow a pair and back the hell off? It is clear based on what my WS is writing that his wife now has him on a short leash and must think something is going on as well.
2- After much effort and work, I have found the jerk's wife contact information...Do I reach out to her and confirm her suspicions?
Frankly, I'm at a loss as to what to do. Through individual counseling for myself, it has become clear through my sessions that my wife has a personality disorder that I never fully understood. She is able to compartmentalize our issues and stick them in a box. We can have an argument and 30 minutes later she'll want to talk about our upcoming vacation and the planning involved as if nothing happened/is going on. I really do not know who this person I share the same bed with...shocking to say the least.
Finally, is this common...she spends literally no time with our child...when she does, she gets easily annoyed/angry even with him/her. That is the worst part for me...I have grown exceptionally closer to him/her over the past 6 months and am really trying to be her rock during this time where she doesn't understand why mommy is always being mean...shit absolutely breaks my heart...is this behavior common?
Thanks to any and all replies...I really do appreciate your feedback/guidance.
Second, my husband does the same thing as far as fights are concerned. I always thought it was so weird that one min he was mad at me and the next he would be asking me questions about some show we were watching and had moved on from being upset and I would be left feeling like I was the crazy one. So your not alone there.
I would definitely tell the mand wife she deserves to know...
[This message edited by startingover1090 at 8:52 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]
-Finding my way-
Have you spoken with an attorney. You have rights and you need to know how to protect yourself. Even if you don't file, there is strength and peace of mind in doing so.
Forget the OM. Nothing you say to him will help you.
Expose to the OM's wife. DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS. JUST DO IT.
Keep track of all evidence you have. Make multiple copies and keep them safe.
Set out your requirements and lay down the law. Be prepared to back it up if she doesn't comply.
OK, so she basically works with the guy. You need to understand that this situation cannot continue. It just can't. As long as there is continued contact she will never let go of him. forget about him, he's not the issue here, your wife is. so here is what you need to do.
I'm sure you love your wife, but to have a chance to ending this pain you need to give her some tough love. Sit her down, and calmly, but firmly explain the following;
This crap ends now. today. She goes No Contact immediately. No last phone calls. no saying goodbye. No emails. This means she needs to change jobs. If she cannot change jobs then she needs to be explaining to her boss that she cannot continue working with that client, and explaining why. I know that's a nightmare, but she needs to choose between her job and her husband. That's just the reality she has created. I want to make it very clear that time and time again we see this happening and there just cannot, cannot be any continued contact between your wife and this guy. As long as there is ANY contact then sparks are going to catch light and this nightmare will not end. she may well get angry about this and blame you for her career going belly up, but just remember this is her bed, not yours. She is going to shout and scream and be unwilling to accept this reality but you need to hold firm. She has put herself in the position of choosing between the job and her family. But she will avoid making that choice until you make her face it.
Rules for the confrontation
1. Calmness rules. No shouting, no rage. You are Mr reasonable. It's tempting to blow your top but remember you have a child in the house, and equally remember that whilst she is betarying you, no-one deserves to be frightened in their own home. So keep your cool.
2. Don't listen to the lies.
3. Don't reveal your sources of information. If you do, she may seek new ways to hide information from you.
4. Be firm. Have an agenda and stick to it. This is very much a "This happens or this happens" situation.
The actions you want are
1. No contact and immediate action to change jobs or prevent no contact. and it needs to be verifiable
2. All usernames and passwords for all bank accounts, email accounts, facebook accounts, phone accounts. Everything.
3. Complete honesty and transparency. she tells you where she is going and who with, at all times. No LIES.
4. She needs to commit to some form of professional guidance. In time, to marriage guidance.
She will probably object to being treated like a child. Actually this is natural as you ARE treating her like a child, but remember that she is behaving like a child so you are simply acting appropriately.
Explain that any problems with any of the above give you a loud and clear message that she is unwilling to recommit to the marriage, and you will act appropriately. Leave it at that. However if that happens then you need to come back here and tell us, because the advice will change at that point.
You need to tell the other man's wife. And don't warn your wife, don't threaten to do it, don't tell her you are going to do it. They will just get their stories straight and you will end up looking like a madman. The OMs wife deserves to know the truth, and you need someone else who knows the truth to watch out for the two of them getting back together. the sad fact is you are going to have to treat your wife like a bit of a child for the moment. Believe what you see, not what you here.
Stay away from the OM. He's had enough involvement in your life, and he's not your problem. You'd get no joy from him anyway, and he wouldn't listen to a word you said. The only person that would get hurt from that it is you. focus on your priorities. Your child, yourself, and only then your marriage.
The child. I am not in favour of putting the child in the middle of infidelity, so you can't really use her behaviour to the child as ammunition. Remember that the affair is really all about her. It doesn't reflect on you or your child. However, you need to seek legal advice and put your financial affairs in order. Keep all the evidence you have found as you may need it. I'm so sorry, this must sound so terrible to you, but right now the only person on your side, and on the side of your child, is YOU, and you need to protect yourself.
You need to start reading the healing library. There is an awesome amount of information in there, all written by people who have been through what you are now experiencing, have survived and come through the other side scarred but wiser.
I can tell you from my own reconciliation that your wife is still there, and you have a chance at putting your marriage back together. But it WILL NOT happen because you love her. You cannot love someone out of an affair. You cannot control her at all, and you cannot MAKE her love you again or commit to your marriage. However, your best shot is tough love. your best shot will be if you drag her kicking and screaming back into the reality and make her face the consequences of being a wife and mother. As long as she can deny reality and live in fantasy then she will - why not, fantasy is always more attractive than reality.
It's crap that you are here, but you really have found the best resource on the web for this nightmare you find yourself in. Keep posting, and look after yourself.
[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 11:27 PM, March 17th (Sunday)]
I want to second that LH is spot on here.
Me too. Listen to the old hands here. They have seen it so often.
I have found the jerk's wife contact information...Do I reach out to her and confirm her suspicions?
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
"Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart.
Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Bla
I will also absolutely reach out to the guy's wife this week as well. I was hesitant to drop the bomb on her but all of you are right...she deserves the information as much as I did/do.
In terms of LH's comments...you have my heartfelt thanks. My wife has always had massive and serious control issues in our marriage traced back to her overbearing and very controlling father...she has never dealt with all that crap. Our pastor has told her she needs to be an open book in all of this with everything you have said but she is continuing to fight it for fear of giving up control. Even if she wasn't trying to hide the affair right now she would still fight tooth and nail to share that kind of pertinent information. I thought we were on the road to reconciliation but her actions, or more so the lack thereof, clearly show she absolutely isn't there and frankly might never be there. I've tried for 3 months to show her that I cared for her/wanted to work on us but I see now that simply showed weakness and was the furtherest thing from tough love and simply made it worse. Live and learn:)
I can see that life is going to be hell over the next 6 to 12 months but I appreciate very much all of you taking the time to respond.
[This message edited by betrayedinSC77 at 7:43 PM, March 18th (Monday)]
I'm sorry, but you really should just *go dark* on her right now. Don't engage in any conversations beyond kids/finances.
Nothing like a little bit of *reality* to mess with the fantasy world that your WW is in right now.
It's time to play hard-ball.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
LH and everyone else have given spot-on advice.
I feel for you and your child. I have two young ones and it's hard to watch my husband treat them poorly (I'm putting that mildly), then claim he's the victim. It puts you in a tough place, you want be honest and explain why mommy is acting this way, but you don't want to put her down in front your child, either.
The best I can do for my children is be there when they need me, listen to them, and try to explain "it's not you, papa is under stress right now and he has a hard expressing things." That seems to work.
I'm sorry your gping through this.