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Newest Member: Blsoul (61132)

User Topic: double lives and past lies
♀ 37879
Member # 37879
Stop  Posted: 7:07 AM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a weird realization the other day. BSO and I live at my moms house and she is a bit of a "collector" to put it mildly. The house is full of stuff and she's ashamed so she just doesn't let people in. BSO and I have done a tremendous amount of work clearing out the "stuff" but each time, she just gets more. She hasn't addressed the problem and from time to time, she puts the blame on others, or on not having enough storage space. But the problem is clear as day to me. She's just not addressing what makes her "collect" and then hide it away.

My dilemma comes in here... I am a house cleaner and home organizer by profession and I own my own business. I feel like by living in this mess, I'm not being authentic. That I'm a hypocrite. This hadn't occurred to me previously, of course the stuff is overwhelming, but now, through all the work and digging, I can't lie. Its a slippery slope for me, and it makes me feel terribly uneasy and anxious.

It's weird! The way I correlated the dirty house and lying. It really opened my eyes to the progress I've made and to how this time last year how the lies were starting to really add up and consume me to the point where I just gave up on reality and coasted into a fantasy world that led to the crazy thinking. It led to me just checking out of real life and paved the way for that drop down the slope into the PA.

It allowed for me to justify hurting BSO and to lie to cover the other lies which id concocted to cover up the other lies. To deny to him that there was anything going on even though his gut was screaming and I was making him crazy. I was so cruel! I will forever hate that i hurt the love of my life. And the worst part is, it was the gateway to more lies and crazy A behavior.

Wow! Sorry, this started out as just a thought, but has turned into a lot more than I intended. Bear with me.

So, I continued to lie, and hide behind those lies for months to avoid what was really going on and how I was hurting him so deeply.

After the final dday, I was in so deep, I had trouble distinguishing between what id really done and the insanity id created by justifying the hell out of my behavior. And then came the defensiveness and anger, the shame and guilt, all things that though were despicable, they were necessary in order for me to hit the rock bottom that forced me to start the real work of learning to live authentically.

Now lying feels so unnatural and disgusting, even the smallest white lie I observe in my family, friends and anyone really, can trigger me so badly. It hurts me to have to live this way, to hide behind this mess when I spend so much time teaching others how to rid themselves of it. I told her that its so hard for me to live this double life after all I've been doing, but she just got defensive and argued that blah blah blah, same old excuses, I'm making her feel bad... all things I have done in the past. Hmmm... wonder where I learned that behavior? Anyway, I know that this opens up a whole new layer of realization and work, and I'm so ready to start doing this. I have a plan for cleaning the house, (she'll be away for the next month, and I told her what I'm going to do), and I also think this is an opportunity to really grow and learn about myself, and and uncover more about what led me to that slope in the first place. And if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading.

Me: FWSO 39 He: FBSO 39 and my heart
Together 21 years. We survived infidelity. "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos

Posts: 611 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: by the sea with my love
♀ 36033
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you on the correlation between lies and dirty house and relating it to living authentically. You are right about that.

I can see how much you've grown and changed just by reading your posts over the last few months. I hope your R has been going good with your BSO.

I think that's great that you are going to help clean the house but is it the best idea to do it while she is away? All those Hoarders shows have the actual hoarder doing the entire process with the helpers. If the helpers just cleaned the house, it would only be a matter of time before the house is filled again.. How is this time going to be different for your mom than your other attempts?

On another note.. just to share how I can relate to our analogies.. my BH and I have been tearing our house apart to make room for our baby and organize our life. We have been sending stuff to recycling depots, donating to friends or thrift stores and disposing stuff that we don't need that cannot be recycled/donated. We have also had some of our biggest fights in months. I saw the correlation between our house and digging into our marriage and getting rid of the bad. Once we got on the same page, we have sailed through the process and became really happy with our results but man I tell ya, we had some ugly moments.

36 and separated
2 Daughters (1 & 4 yr olds)
We were mad-hatters

Posts: 1016 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 37879
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MUC, Yeah, its OK. We discussed it. I won't be getting rid of much, just moving it to where she will have to deal with it when she returns. I know how important it is to have her take the initiative, another thing I have learned through this whole process is the importance of owning your own problems and dealing with them accordingly.

My favorite local charity will come pick most items. I've used this to our advantage in the past, and had her start donation boxes, keep boxes, throw away boxes and undecided boxes. It helps to be able to see how much stuff there is when its laid out like that.

I've been working on letting go of the outcome of things. I can't change her. I need to work on what I can change in my life to make it authentic. Its easier said than done though.

The physical act of decluttering your space is so therapeutic both mentally and physically. It gives a sort of visual manifestation to the clearing of all the mental and emotional turmoil, or "mess" so to speak.

Me: FWSO 39 He: FBSO 39 and my heart
Together 21 years. We survived infidelity. "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos

Posts: 611 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: by the sea with my love
Topic Posts: 3

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