Yes you do, EF. Grieving is part of this whole process. I still do. I was in tears after I posted on the marital bed thread when I realized how many crumbs looked like steak au poirve to me for years, from myself as well.
The thing about growth is that it isn't filling a vacuum. That's where so many horrific choices get made. The vacuum. The holes in development.
With growth there is no vacuum because it's fresh turf. You haven't been here before. It looks strange. New landscape entirely. That can feel purposeless for a bit as you acclimate.
If your goals used to be getting your needs met by subterfuge, manipulation, all that changes when you start to see how that is not how you want to live your life.
That's no longer a goal so now what is? Those tools no longer work. If you do use them you feel strange because you can see just how warped it is right in the moment.
You no longer have coping mechanisms and are feeling the full weight of your choices.
Time to start building new ones.
Step one...no people. People are not coping mechanisms. Their individuals in their own right not existing for "you".
Step two...set a realistic goal. Figure out how you're going to accomplish it and do it. The goal can be a class, a language, a new hobby, getting better at an old hobby, a cause, a book, a new recipe.
You being a wayward on this site is actually the perfect training ground for this. You'll find encouragement from all sources when you do work and feedback when you don't. You won't be excused or enabled. Those may seem to feel harsh but that's actually the very best thing you can experience.
It's the people here who have helped me the most. Some are not my biggest fans but I like their viewpoints and I'm selfish enough to take gems where I find them. There is absolute brilliance on this site.
Don't worry about holding your head up high. When I do that I trip over shit like crazy. Just look ahead and keep that focus. At the end of the day you're who you're living with. Make sure you like her. Me: 37
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth