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This is the question for all those who are farther ahead in this journey. I see here on SI that Waywards are mostly looked down on.. It really makes wonder when WSs who have worked on themselves can hold their head high and not take any of it personally. It amuses me and I am not sure if I can reach that stage ever. I want to but I don’t know how..

I know its said here multiple times that it’s a process and it takes time. But it IS a real slow process. It feels as if earth has just stopped rotating. Each day is so hard to pass by.

I am nowhere closer to being my best. No where. I mean not only A wise. But in other areas of my life as well. I could do exponentially well in my career. I could read books and analyze movies. I love doing that. I could exercise and have a fab body. I could roam around exploring new places. I had lost myself all these years and its like I have been woken up from a long sleep. I regret wasting all these years but yes.. even when I still figuring out my thought processes there are hell lot of things I could really improve on.

And whenever I start feeling like this, I am hit by a realization that I have put CL in such a bad place that he has lost himself. It just feels wrong to move ahead without him. How do you let go of control? Whats the point of all this any way? I struggle with the idea of I have to live just bcz I am not dyeing. I need to have some purpose. If CL is not in my life it feels like my life has no meaning.

I am in no mood for 2x4s. I know I went away from him and all that. Its just that right now I am feeling really sad. I guess I have a right to feel sad.

I see here on SI that Waywards are mostly looked down on.

Yeah, the unremorseful ones. I've found that this is the safest and kindest place for a WS. There are other forums out there where a the WS are straight up tarred, feathered, crucified, then boiled in oil for good measure. I cannot tell you how many BSs have PM'd me and posted encouragement and support to me. In fact, most of my friends here are BSs. Who'da thunk?

It really makes wonder when WSs who have worked on themselves can hold their head high and not take any of it personally

Are some posts triggery for me? Absolutely. When I feel sensitive to criticism (whether directed specifically at me or WS in general) I back out. Take a step back.

I am not their WS and they are not my BS. My story is not theirs. Their experiences are not mine. Many times, the people here have nowhere else to go, but here. Nowhere else where others understand and listen to them. They release all the poison here. Because it's a safe place. And they are accepted and understood. I cannot and will not hold that against them.

SI is a safe place. For all. I appreciate that both BS and WS alike have a haven to bring their pain to, and work out their problems.

It just feels wrong to move ahead without him.

How so? We are all unique individuals. We all have different time frames for healing. The best thing you can do is be supportive of him, at whatever stage of healing he may be at, and keep. working. on you. That is how you give up control. By focusing on your own crap (cause lets face it, the WS has tons to dig thru) and working yourself out. Of course, if this is how you really feel:

Whats the point of all this any way?

Then I guess it doesn't matter eh?

I need to have some purpose. If CL is not in my life it feels like my life has no meaning.

Are you just thinking this or is it something you're working on?

You can do this EF.

Very well put Aubrie.

Your D-Day was just a few months ago. Things are still fresh. The emotions are still raw.

My D-Day was well over a year ago, and just a few weeks ago, I was a mess. I was bottoming out. I had left my wife, filed for divorce, got my own apartment. I thought I was doing what I needed to do to be happy.

Well, as Aubrie says, I hadn't started feeling remorse yet. I was still in affair-land. My head was messed up big time. It wasn't until I truly went NC in my head and physically, that I started to feel things again.

My wife and I are still divorcing, but we're attempting to reconcile. I've made a complete mess of things. But I know this....I love my wife. I want to do whatever it takes to rebuild her trust in me and rebuild our relationship. At 6 months out, I wasn't capable of any of this. I wasn't sure what I wanted.

Don't make any huge life changing decisions. Give it some time. Be supportive to your BS if you truly want to help. You need to demonstrate that you're working on yourself.

I feel horrible that it took me all that I put my BS through to come to the conclusions that I came to. But in some ways, I think that if I hadn't gone through certain things, I would be who I am today. I think my wife will agree that she likes the changes in me.

It's a long hard road. Just hang in there and believe in yourself.

Yes you do, EF. Grieving is part of this whole process. I still do. I was in tears after I posted on the marital bed thread when I realized how many crumbs looked like steak au poirve to me for years, from myself as well.

The thing about growth is that it isn't filling a vacuum. That's where so many horrific choices get made. The vacuum. The holes in development.

With growth there is no vacuum because it's fresh turf. You haven't been here before. It looks strange. New landscape entirely. That can feel purposeless for a bit as you acclimate.

If your goals used to be getting your needs met by subterfuge, manipulation, all that changes when you start to see how that is not how you want to live your life.

That's no longer a goal so now what is? Those tools no longer work. If you do use them you feel strange because you can see just how warped it is right in the moment.

You no longer have coping mechanisms and are feeling the full weight of your choices.

Time to start building new ones.

Step one...no people. People are not coping mechanisms. Their individuals in their own right not existing for "you".

Step two...set a realistic goal. Figure out how you're going to accomplish it and do it. The goal can be a class, a language, a new hobby, getting better at an old hobby, a cause, a book, a new recipe.

You being a wayward on this site is actually the perfect training ground for this. You'll find encouragement from all sources when you do work and feedback when you don't. You won't be excused or enabled. Those may seem to feel harsh but that's actually the very best thing you can experience.

It's the people here who have helped me the most. Some are not my biggest fans but I like their viewpoints and I'm selfish enough to take gems where I find them. There is absolute brilliance on this site.

Don't worry about holding your head up high. When I do that I trip over shit like crazy. Just look ahead and keep that focus. At the end of the day you're who you're living with. Make sure you like her.