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Is it too late to ask for this?

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tryin2havefaith posted 3/19/2013 12:34 PM

Is it too late to ask for this?....

We have passed our two year mark. He has never given me ‘his story’. I pretty much ‘know’ everything due to due diligence. I am kind of a computer geek and was able to do my own PI work to get to it all. But all he has done to this point is capitulate to what I found out.

No, nothing new is out there, there has been NC for well over 18 months now. All verified via keylogger, VAR, cell records, GPS, etc.
What bothers me…he tells me he is sorry. Sorry I am hurting, sorry that I am upset. But I have never heard him say WHY he is sorry. What the timeline from HIS point was. It was all I asked for from him, and still have never really gotten. I think it is part of why I have hit this ‘plain’ so hard. I want HIS voice. I want HIS words. I want HIS thoughts. Not just what I uncovered.

Is it too late to ask for this? Am I too far down the road now to ask for this? He is struggling too now that I have hit this wall. Will this finally break us through and bring us closer to being R’d? Or am I picking at the scab??


cheerless posted 3/19/2013 12:57 PM

I think it's always an appropriate time to communicate to your spouse what you need from them. And he should want to do that for you.

sodamnsorry posted 3/19/2013 13:10 PM

It should not be too late to ask for this.
It's perfectly understandable for you to want this and the lack thereof may explain why you have hit the wall.

It takes two to R.

Without hearing his words, thoughts, and feelings, how can you fully heal? These are vital pieces of information for you to understand whether or not he 'gets it' and is doing the work he needs to understand how he got there and to ensure that he doesn't go there again.

Alex CR posted 3/19/2013 13:27 PM

I don't think it's ever too late.....if you need answers, your H should be willing to help you get them.

Kelany posted 3/19/2013 13:45 PM

Its never too late. Two of my FWH's affairs had been over long before I found out. But I still needed the details from him. Not just what I could prove. He needed to provide me with those answers.

MFC2011 posted 3/19/2013 13:55 PM

No, it's not too late.

If you feel you've hit a difficult or stagnant point, and this information - from him, willingly and in full - would help you move forward.....then tell him that.

I expect that if I ask for information the day before my 50th wedding anniversary, my H should provide it if he can.

RidingHealingRd posted 3/19/2013 14:28 PM

I do not believe that it is ever too late to ask for anything. Hopefully, during your 2 years in R, the communications between you and your WS has improved/strengthened. Your WS should always be willing to help you heal no matter how difficult it is for him.

tryin2havefaith posted 3/19/2013 14:48 PM

Communication is good right now. But have hit the plain very hard. Ive been flat for weeks now. cant seem to break it. He has/is willing to do anything that will help me/us heal. Answers whatever I ask. Just have gotten to point where I feel like...have I asked everything, is there anything I missed. Because it never came from him.

I really think I need his words, from him. His perceptions, rationales....and if needbe any missing items. I just feel that the words I'm sorry are empty because he's never verbalized for what. Don't get me wrong, his actions are there, but I need to hear from him. Could this be a possible healing exercise for him, or am I setting us both back?

In reading 5 love languages...I realized mine has closed to his words , when that used to be mine. Maybe because I haven't gotten 'his words' in this. What I got during the A was 'his lies'. Even after DDay...I got Ttd for almost 6 months.

He is willing, I am just hoping that I'm doing the right thing. It's so damn confusing going through this maze!!

sisoon posted 3/19/2013 17:13 PM

Perhaps you can't heal more or go any further in R until he comes clean.

Another vote for 'not too late'.

tryin2havefaith posted 3/19/2013 21:17 PM

I asked him tonight for it. He held me and said 'if it will help you...I will do it.". He asked me to pull out a composition book and he will start working on it immediately. There was absolutely no hesitation from him.

Maybe there is some hope I will find a way through the maze and out of the plain.

tryin2havefaith posted 3/21/2013 17:48 PM

FWH is beginning his writing tomorrow since he has day off while i work and our kids are in school. He asked me today how I would like him to write "his story". I told him to write it whatever way helps him remember the events. I don't really care about the HOW, but rather am focused on getting his thought, views, perceptions, and actions.

The only thing I requested is he write on the front side of pages so if I had question or wanted something clarified I had a place to note it.

Did I make a mistake not asking for it in a specific format?

I'm really hoping this moves me past this plain

girlsbird posted 3/21/2013 18:07 PM

Let him write "his" story his way. You can then write your questions and talk about it

tryin2havefaith posted 3/23/2013 14:57 PM

He began writing yesterday. The composition book has moved. I can SEE it written all over him. He is feeling the guilt/shame/remorse,the sheer weight of it all. I can see it on him right now, i havent seen him like this in awhile. he has also called his IC to make an appt next week... his next one wasnt till april. He moved it up. Guessing this is much more difficult on him than he thought it might be...and that was only one day working on it. He was physically ill in the middle of the night too. But he thinks I was asleep thru it.

I worried that this might set me/us back since we are over 2 years out, but I think in long run it will put some of it to rest. Maybe go a long way to helping me exit the plain, and find the forgiveness that still eludes me for some of it. For him, maybe he can finally purge it and finally begin to start to find some forgiveness for himself as well.

Just some ramblings in my head today

Lucky2HaveMe posted 3/23/2013 16:27 PM

For him, maybe he can finally purge it and finally begin to start to find some forgiveness for himself as well.

Has he been in IC at all? MC? Has he ever had to face himself? If this is the first time he has really looked within, I am sure it is difficult for him. This could be the beginning of some real healing for you both.

tryin2havefaith posted 3/23/2013 18:35 PM

Yes, he has been in IC since DDay although his IC cut back on frequency of sessions. We have also been going to MC. I don't think his IC has really gotten to the core of this yet. I think him doing this for me, for my healing, may also begin to do some real healing for him too.

I too am so hoping for it (need icon with crossing fingers) to be a catalyst for the next level of healing....for both of us.

Theradin posted 3/24/2013 15:03 PM

Hearing the WS' 'timeline/history' is incredibly important to filling in the blanks. It's unfair that the WS have MORE information than you. All you are asking for is to have the SAME amount of information the WS has. In a sense, it's like the WS has the teacher's grading 'key', and all you have is the exam, so you have to guess at all the questions and hope you're right, when things should be equal and you both have access to the 'key'. (Maybe a bad analogy, but it seemed fitting at the time).

In addition, I also truly don't believe forgiveness can be achieved when the person whom you are trying to forgive won't actually express true remorse and sincerely apologize for HIS/HER actions (not apologize for how YOU feel). Looks like the WS has a quite a bit of work ahead.

Hopefully the 'right' answer will come to you soon. This is no way to live - in purgatory.

tryin2havefaith posted 4/3/2013 20:27 PM

He started it almost 2 weeks ago, then just stopped a few days after that, and said he needed to talk with his IC before he continues. of course his IC has been out of town for these 2 weeks:(.
He's been in a down mood, sleeping in fetal position quite a bit. I'm thinking he is dealing with it all, and is being overwhelmed. I'm trying to stay detached a bit and let him process. I'm there if he needs to talk, hug, etc.....but am not actively 'coddling' him. I know he had to get through his forest and find the clearing on the other side just as I need to.

I keep wondering if I am handling this right. I question and over-think every step I make....I'm so exhausted sometimes.

Dare2Trust posted 4/4/2013 00:20 AM


This makes me wonder -

and said he needed to talk with his IC before he continues

In the process of writing "his story"...your husband may have new information to disclose to you. I hope you are prepared to hear this....if that's the case.

njgal480 posted 4/4/2013 05:48 AM

I think writing a timeline is very helpful for both the BS and the WS.

It gives the BS informatiion that they need and it makes the WS take a long hard look at what they did.

Your WS is finally facing his demons- no more rug sweeping.

He may be upset due to this or it could be that there are details that he has never shared with you and that's what is causing his anxiety.

Either way I see it as a good thing.

IMHO the way to have true R is when it is based on a new beginning and all of the past actions have been exposed and dealt with.

tryin2havefaith posted 4/4/2013 07:46 AM

D2T- that is exactly what is making me crazy right now. It is part of my decision to finally give in and take AD. He doesn't see his IC until next week.

I am REALLY hoping it is him 'coming to terms' with himself. This A was so against his nature. He is horrified at what he did. But I am keeping a bit detached and prepared in case there is more crap to deal with. The not knowing is making me crazy right now. Hoping the med will help with that as I am just mentally exhausted and nothing left in my tank to deal with another huge dip if it comes to that.

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