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Newest Member: Hephaestus2 (60769)

User Topic: Why does fear drive me?
♂ 38496
Member # 38496
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to get some feedback from other W & BS. I had another incident of TT. My BS found an old sent email with pictures of an old co-worker. Out of fear I trickled truthed her as to why they were there. My fear was being driven by the thought of my BS leaving. I have read all of the books and have been on the boards as well and know that TT and lying damages the marriage worse than the A in most cases. I realize that it is a selfish decision to continue to do that. So why do i do it still? How do I change this fear factor in me?

[This message edited by remorseful72 at 3:48 PM, March 19th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2013
♂ 37201
Member # 37201
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You have to make it about you. You have to decide you want to be honest and want to heal. I understand the fear - I TT'd for almost six months and it has made this so much harder on both of us. My BS made a sobering statement to me when she said that if our marriage ends, it isn't because of any of the details I TT'd over, it's because of the lying about those details. You have to reach a point where you are going to fix you for your sake, not just do what you need to do to save the marriage.

A big step for me was when I read (and really got) a post on here there was called 'you have to be willing to lose the marriage to fix the marriage'.

WS (me) 45- Dday was 9/20/2012
Wife 41 (sodamnlost on SI)
Together 9 years, married 5
Stepdad to 6 amazing kids (22, 21, 16, 15, 12, 10)

Trying wicked hard - never giving up.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Michigan
♂ 37328
Member # 37328
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, March 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sodamnsorry said it right. You have to want to be honest for you! You have to realize that not lying is the healthy way o living, and you have to make the choice to be healthy. If you do it for her fear is still driving your choice but if you do it becaus you honestly don't want to lie than that is when the fight/ progress really begins. Don't lie because you don't want to be unhealthy any more. Tell the truth because that is what healthy/safe/mature people do! And yes I TT'd my wife for 4 months but now I'm trying to fight the lying urge every day. I'm trying to be healthy every day.

WS (Me): 26 y/o
BS (Her): 26 y/o (MandoBando)
Relationship: M for 4 years, a 20 month old son and a 8 month old son.
D-Day: 10/23/12
Working towards R...

Despite the fact that i am an ass hole, horrible father, and horrible husband; i LOVE and

Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Toledo, OH
Topic Posts: 3

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