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We told the children!

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Distraut posted 3/19/2013 16:39 PM

We told the children of the impending D last night.DD13 is not taking it well at all and her and WW are into it today cause DD13 told two friends at school today WW and I work there so it will be all over the place by fri Im sure.DS11 took it real well almost adult like.Im thinking of puting them both in counceling.WW thinks word will not get out about A but we live in a small town and she has been cavorting around in public next town over with OM I told her she should keep a low pro and she said that there was no reason too.I just know its going to blow up in her face maybe that will clear the fog!

Skan posted 3/19/2013 16:46 PM

Well, the devil is out of the handbag now. I'm sure that WW is crying foul because she's been exposed for the heartless twat that she is. It's not like your DD is saying anything that is incorrect nor that is not going to be known real soon anyway. Good for her for asking her friends for support. If your STBX had kept her legs closed, then she wouldn't have to worry about gossup. Heck, she herself SAID there was no reason to keep a low profile! So she's gotten her wish!

Yeah, I would second your feeling about getting the kids into counciling. Your 11 year old may be seeming to cope well, but 13 and 11 were what I and my younger sister were when my parents divorced, and younger sister had a much tougher time than I did. (((hugs)))

Distraut posted 3/19/2013 16:55 PM

Thank you Skan
I hate all the drama I just have to remember she owns it not me.I just hate to see the children go through this.

mchercheur posted 3/19/2013 19:49 PM

Boy do I know how you feel.
You still don't know how this will play out. It sounds like you are being a rock for your kids, & that will make a big difference. I hope they will be staying with you, & not going with WW & OM.

On Dday, I asked WH to leave, & he went to stay with a relative nearby. Since he would not stop contacting/seeing OW (in fact she offered for him to move in with her, but he didn't), he was out of our house for over 5 mos.---however he often visited the kids (I would not have allowed that so freely if I had known about this site at that time---& maybe he would have come out of the FOG sooner). This site has given me so much strength.

At first, WH & I together told the children that he was out because we were working on some problems between us.

It didn't take long before all 4 children guessed why he was out-----that he had a girlfriend, & confronted me.

In fact, our youngest guessed who it was right away since she had gone to work with WH & sat next to OW for a whole day. Our daughter (I hate to tell you how young she was at that time---a pre teen----there went her innocent childhood) then proceeded to describe to me the way that OW was constantly flirting with WH, touching WH, whispering in his ear & giggling----& this occurred , as far as I know, before the EA became PA (but who really knows for sure, right?)

WH had a conversation with our older daughter (then 19 yrs old) , after he had been out for about 4 mos, & she said to him "What did you think Dad, that we were going to hang out with her?" (OW was actually much closer in age to our oldest daughter than to me.) She told him "Dad, you broke one of God's Ten Commandments."
WH answered "Don't I deserve some happiness?"
Talk about FOG.

This stuff really sucks.

Never thought things would turn out this way (I thought we were going to D & had the lawyer start to draw up the papers), but WH has been back home for a year & a half now---we are trying to R,go to MC, etc. Things seem pretty much back to normal between the kids & him, & they NEVER talk about it.
But, it's got to have affected them. I know that one of our sons has no respect for WH anymore, but tries not to be blatant about it. Who knows how it affected our kid's self esteem, or how it will affect our kids future marriages.

The thing I have felt the most sick about is that our kids' solid foundation was pulled out from under them, but someone pointed out to me that I was their solid foundation, & I was always there.
Hopefully, Distraut, it will be the same for you & your kids. Hang in there, it does get a little better.

Distraut posted 3/19/2013 20:56 PM

Wow Mchercheur
Great to hear your story I can only hope mine will work out as well (also pray) thanks for the encouragement I'm glad they are staying with me I too have filed but I don't think she will come out of the fog she really thinks its what she wants we're getting along right now but she's moving out in two weeks she's really in the fog

jimbo25319 posted 3/19/2013 20:57 PM

She's made her bed, now let hee lie in it.

sudra posted 3/19/2013 21:06 PM

DD13 is not taking it well at all and her and WW are into it today cause DD13 told two friends

This is soooooo wrong.

My mother wouldn't let me tell anyone when we found out my father cheated. It was grossly unfair to leave me with no outlet. Counseling was not offered. I had no one to share it with and my mother used me for her sounding board.

I despise secrecy. It's not the child's secret to keep and they need their support systems.

Please make sure she knows she can share if she needs to.

Distraut posted 3/19/2013 22:29 PM

Thanks Sudra I will I read the same but WW did not and was peaved cause her secret will be out one girls mother is a gossup

NoraLee posted 3/19/2013 22:42 PM

If she doesn't like being ashamed, then she shouldn't have behaved shamefully.

newlysingle posted 3/19/2013 23:30 PM

Good grief, my STBXH acts the same way. We are telling our 5 year old dd about the D this week as well. She's only 5, so of course we won't give a lot of details. However, WH acts like I shouldn't tell anyone about his affair. Whatever, I need my friends and family through this process. As if I'm going to cover for him and the shameful way he acts.

Your poor dd. She definitely needs her friends support right now.

callmecrazy posted 3/20/2013 09:46 AM

Just remember as it does get out, and it will (I too live in a small town and rumors were out bc someone saw his truck at her house)she's to be embarrassed, not you. IDK why they think its just going to be a secret and the marriage will end and nobody is going to bat an eye! Chin up. I think counseling for the kids is a good idea if they are up for it.

RyeBread posted 3/20/2013 10:25 AM

My mother wouldn't let me tell anyone when we found out my father cheated. It was grossly unfair to leave me with no outlet. Counseling was not offered. I had no one to share it with and my mother used me for her sounding board.

Wow sudra, my mother did the exact same thing to me. I know exactly what you are talking about.


I think the best thing you can do with your kids is be there for them, don't judge them for their feelings, and listen, comfort, and validate them. Getting them to counseling is a must at this point too.

Your WW is going to be facing the music very shortly. Expect some major blameshifting and anger from her when the truth starts getting out. She won't direct it at herself where it belongs so be prepared.

Thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.

Jrazz posted 3/20/2013 10:36 AM

I'm so sorry that your WW is not putting your sweet kids first here... this is going to affect their minds and hearts no matter what - but the way she's treating DD13 is going to make things a lot harder.

I strongly urge you to get them into counseling, but make sure that they feel like it is a safe place for them to go and talk about their feelings.

Not unlike a betrayed spouse, their world has just been upended and what they need more than anything is stability and to feel safe while they try to figure out how to deal with the new family dynamic.

Hugs and good thoughts to all of you.

Distraut posted 3/20/2013 12:13 PM

Thank You
DD13 said yesterday she didnt want counceling but she is like me in that she doesnt like change.
WWis still blaming me night before last she was saying people dont know what ive been through or what ive put up with I thought please you dont even acknowlede the pain your putting us through but I kept quiet im biding my time 13 days until D.

RyeBread posted 3/20/2013 14:05 PM

(Sarcasm) Of course your WW had it so bad, why else would she have done what she did? She didn't have any other choice!(Sarcasm)

Marriage issues aside, the A is its' own monster. You can work on marriage issues, but she owns 100% of her choice in how she handled those issues. She had a lot of options but chose to have an A.

My WW gave me (and still gives me) the old "poor little me" routine. Don't fall for it. It's classic blameshifting and manipulation.

It's like borrowing a friends car. Sure, that car may be a little beat up and not run perfectly. But if you wreck it you are responsible for either fixing it or replacing it. If you went back to your friend and told him that the car you borrowed made you wreck it, do you think that would fly?

Stay strong my friend.

Distraut posted 3/20/2013 14:09 PM

Thanks RYE
Good point good analagy!

stronger08 posted 3/20/2013 17:17 PM

Just another shake my head moment courtesy of a WS. If they are sooo in love and the OP is sooo perfect. And they cant wait to start their lives with the POS blah blah blah. Why the hell is it such a big secret ? They are so full of shit it makes me sick. When I have fallen in love during my life I wore that emotion on my sleeve. Real love does not need to be hidden till the time is right to come out. And they wonder why in a few short months the relationship usually implodes. Fuck that.... If I were you I'd let anyone who asked know the truth. You dont owe her anything. Especially keeping her dirty little secret.

Distraut posted 3/20/2013 18:28 PM

Thanks stronger
thats exactly what I intend to do 13 more days til D is final I cant understand her shes being nice as hell this week since we told kids and she has told some of her family.last night i went to bed first and when she came to bed she starts rubbing mt back I thought WTF but I was half asleep so I just let it go.people in the fog do strange shit!

Dare2Trust posted 3/27/2013 00:26 AM


I agree: If anyone asked me, I'd simply tell them - I'm getting the divorce because "I don't like the man my wife was having an adulterous affair with!" END OF STORY.

You don't owe her anything!

Skan posted 3/27/2013 13:35 PM

Yeah, I always liked the "I didn't like my husband/wife's girl/friend" statement too!

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