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Will she give me a second chance?

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kansasdad posted 3/20/2013 15:53 PM

Ok quick background.

In may my brother inlaws wife confessed to me she was cheating on him. I met him and told him everything. He asked me to get close to her and get her to spill details and to get her to work on marriage. Over the next few months I did just that and kept giving him information and betraying her trust but giving bro inlaw what he asked for. ( which my wife encouraged since its her brother)

One day in sept. we got too close and she proceeded to give me a bj, I stoppped her during and before finishing, told her to leave and cut off contact with her. She then went after a friend of mine and did same thing not to my knowledge until friend told me. She would keep trying to contact me and one day she did and I replied via text when working with my friend. he replied back some dirty comments and so did i guys will be guys. not to my knowledge she was keeping a log of this text in a journal.

My Brother inlaws mariage was already over but he found her journal Jan 1st and let my wife read it on Jan 7th, she filed for div the next morning. ( i didnt even know she found out or filed for divorce for 5 more days,) WHen i was served papers at work i was informed she and kids were gone and it is over. She is being nice during divorce and we are friendly and dont fight. Her brother and I still talk and hang out occasionally, we are selling our home and splitting up.
When her and I are together she is nice, sometimes playful, shows no emotions, no anger. We had small issues b4 this but thats it.

My question is should I hold out hope that she will reconsider reconciliation. I have written sincere remorseful letters to her broither and her and spoken with parents telling them how wrong I was. I have never done anything like this in the past and I am full of guilt foir hurting the one and true love of my life. I keep apologizing in eoither letters or poems to her, offerning anything I can as a guarantee that it will never happen. She said its 95% who it is.
We have 3 children all under 10 and have been maried for 15 yrs.
She did know about me helping her brother as well.

WIll she ever try to get past anger and work this out before divorce is final?

BaxtersBFF posted 3/20/2013 16:02 PM

Welcome to SI kansasdad,

It is very possible that it's over for good. Really though, you won't know until it happens, and even then, there are some couples here who have gotten back together after D. You just never know.

What you do though is make the decision to do something regardless of whether your BW keeps heading toward D or not. You know what you did, and you are facing the consequences. The things you need to work on now are things like why you didn't stop her before your pants were unzipped. Why didn't you stop this when you realized maybe you were too close?

Do you know what an EA is? An emotional affair? Can you see that maybe you were emotionally cheating before it went physical? Just asking.

There is a ton of information on SI, especially in the Healing Library (little yellow box in the upper left-hand corner of the screen). Read through that and read around on here. You may see some parallels between your situation and others which might give you clues as to what your chances are.

However, you need to ask yourself, what will you do if she does D you? Will you do any work on yourself to figure out why you cheated in the first place?

She-Ra posted 3/20/2013 16:47 PM

Hey KD,

Glad you found us on SI, it's a great place for support.

BaxtersBFF made some good points and also supplied you with questions that you need to ask yourself.

The conversations that you were having, getting close to your brother in laws wife was a form of an affair already. You state in your profile the affair was 3 minutes long. If you want to be completely honest with yourself, it was an emotional affair for the weeks/months leading up to the actual encounter that allowed you to cross boundaries to get physical.

Will your wife consider reconciliation? Hard to know. Signs are pointing to NO and she felt it was an immediate dealbreaker.

I think you can hold out hope for sure. Don't give up. Ask her to consider marriage counselling. Call up a counsellor for yourself to see as well. That might help you gain some footing and get you started on the healing process.

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