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I have not been great...

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TimeToManUp posted 3/20/2013 21:41 PM

...but I have been doing my best. There is the distinct possibility thwt my best just isn't/wasn't good enough.

I have screwed up many, many times throughout the course of our attempt at R. I acknowledge this fact readily.

I have, however, made progress. Perhaps my progress wasn't rapid enough for my BW. It is her right to decide.

I don't think that my efforts to this point should have been "enough" to make everything OK in our world. I feel like they should have indicated that there was hope for deeper, longer-lasting change, but again, it is not my right to decide.

I have never asked for "praise" for my successes. I don't want a parade, or a release of white doves because I handled a trigger well today. I really, truly, sincerely don't. I feel like the simple kindness of saying "Hello" when I walk in the door would not have been to much to ask, but once again, who am I to decide that?

I do love my BW. I never once had a moment of "Oh, no! Do I want BW or the OW??" Right from the very moment I was confronted, I knew I wanted to be here, with my wife and kids. I knew I had fucked up. It did, admittedly, take a while for me to fully come to terms with how badly I had fucked up. In my foggy mind, I held the erroneous belief that since we never did anything physically sexual that it couldn't have been that bad. I came to realize just how awful my actions were.

I have reiterated my understanding of how bad my TTing was on mamy posts. I get it. Fully. It may have been the single most damaging blow to R with my BW. In IC I have discussed the behaviors which may have played a role in my TTing.

I hate myself. I hate what I have made of my family's life. I hate what my children will have to suffer because of my actions. I hate the pain that I've inflicted upon my BW and the pain that is yet to come for our children. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I wish I was stronger. I wish I would stop rambling. I'm just feeling incredibly out of sorts right now. My BW thinks I am a monster... God, strike me down. Please don't beat me up for this post, I'm just trying let out some emotions.

[This message edited by TimeToManUp at 10:02 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

UnexpectedSong posted 3/20/2013 22:40 PM

I hear you. This is a safe place for you to let it all out. Stay the course.

SuchaF00L posted 3/21/2013 00:22 AM

Same boat TtMUp.
The frustration level for me is being excited about change, reading, understanding, hell even going to see IC and having those challenging talks. Only to miss a chance at handling a trigger, or even worse blind side emotion swing, and daggers flying across the room.

I was greeted today with questioning. A single mom hit me up on facebook, asking if I saw a video posted by someone else and to check my email.
Oh holy shit, how bad does that look. But having nothing in the trust bank left me well overdrawn on that one. I didn't even know this lady sent me a message.

But yes.. I will stay the course, as well you should.

BrokenRoad posted 3/22/2013 20:41 PM

Try to make the distinction: You hate what you were. You hate what you've done. You hate how you hurt your wife.

But if you've made progress, do you like the new you a bit better? Is it possible to become better still?

Try to dig into that hope.
Try to remain in the present, to work on an understanding of what got you here, and how you can close that door forever.

That is what a Betrayed wants to know, 'how do I know it won't happen again?'.

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