And another layer of that fear is that my change isn't visible to anyone but me. IC says she can't believe I'm the same person I was just 6mos ago. But I just have this nagging voice in my subconscious that keeps wanting me to punish myself with harsh words and thoughts.. a sort of negative reinforcement for happy feelings. IC tells me to stop and "check myself" when I feel this way, to try and go back to how I was feeling and what I was thinking back then, and then compare it to now. She points out that the very core of my thinking has changed, and how the rest of me is just following suit, at its own pace. Don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.
Anyway, I did have a question before I got all caught up in my head, does anyone else fear that all their work changes might not come across as obvious to others, such as BS?
A year ago, the thought of loving myself and my BH enough to tell him the truth of old affairs was so foreign to me, that when a brave friend nervously mentioned it a year ago, I absolutely balked at the thought. Impossible I thought. Three weeks ago, the thought of not coming clean became absolutely impossible. It was like a splinter that needed to come out of my heart and every molecule of my body screamed to have this out. The secret was sitting there between my BH and I like a canker. He could feel it too, although didn't understand why he didn't feel quite safe with me.
I now see the change in him. And I feel myself growing, changing also. The truth really does set you free.
And I now am super sensitive to other people and feel horrified at some of the things they think are Ok to say and do.But also understand that mindset.
A small example today was when I brought meat at the butcher and the woman serving me was casting a leery eye over a customer who had obviously been there for awhile choosing her meat and she commented that "I probably shouldnt say this but all the crazy people are out today". I looked at her and said politely "No you probably shouldn't say that as I may think you will say that about me when I leave". She blustered and tried to cover up, but it made me realise how terrible peoples boundaries are. Mine included.
Sorry, slight T/J - real change will be noticed and people change also in reaction to our change.
Sorry, raving, just wanted to clarify.
I guess I'm just feeling scared of not coming across genuine in my words and actions. I know I'm telling the truth and doing the gut wrenching work o f breaking myself down and fixing each little piece, I just don't think BSO believes me. And of course, this is all due to my past lies and TT and cheating, I just see the anguish in his eyes as he doubts everything and how he goes from sweet to angry and paranoid so quickly.
It takes time and consistency. I remember finally feeling authentic and living in truth and when my BH doubted it, I would feel so shocked. How could he not know? I was feeling it so strongly and for a minute I didn't realize he couldn't see inside my mind or heart. Of course he couldn't trust it, after all the lies. So all I could do was keep showing him. It took a long time, but we got there.
I know its wrong to do so and counterproductive,
Just don't let yourself get caught up in a pity party. There's nothing wrong with feeling the feelings, just don't get stuck there .
Eta: remove extra words
[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 6:26 AM, March 21st (Thursday)]
but a pity party is not a fun party to attend, indeed!
Indeed is right.
I was having one this morning - wrote up a post then deleted it before posting because thats what it was - a pity party...
There's nothing wrong with feeling the feelings, just don't get stuck there
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
You will be OK. We both will be. And the one thing I am finally learning in my life, is that I do not control outcomes, I can not control my BH's healing (pace,amount, depth) but I can keep looking at myself - watching, listening to what I say and how I act. Living with integrity in all areas of my life.
Its weird, but because I've spent a lifetime trying to avoid ugly truths and not examining what I do and who I am, I'm actually beginning to find myself quite fascinating.lol.
A bloody lifetimes work I reckon.
Look after your wee self. And be kind to yourself (and the odd self 2x4 when, and as needed of course).
But I just have this nagging voice in my subconscious that keeps wanting me to punish myself with harsh words and thoughts
CG, if you grew up in a "closed" environment where you were unable to express your pain and displeasure it's common defense to need to "rugsweep" very real anger and pain. Unexpressed it becomes self betrayal which results in rage.
We learn to become moral masochists. Inflicting pain on ourselves with our thoughts to keep us "in check". If we deserve better then we have to fight for better. If we don't the unconscious guilt becomes overwhelming.
Sadly that habit becomes default. The guilt our choices creates triggers the punishment.
Or...it could be a pity party and a cigar is truly just a cigar
Just check to see if your guilt in other areas triggers this same response. Owning is great. Shame not so much.
Like AN says, you have to heal it to feel it. Guilt can sometimes interfere with the "feel it" part and then shame chimes in to say "you don't deserve to heal it".
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
I also spent the majority of my life pretending to be OK and hiding the pain so no one see. I didn't want to let my parents down growing up because my brother had such an incredibly difficult childhood, and I stepped back so my brother could heal. Then some bad stuff happened to me and I hid it again, didn't want to burden anyone when there were so many other problems that seemed much more important. As I got older, and bad things happened, soul wrenching heartbreaks and losses, I got better and better at pretending I was strong, I was fine, I was taking care of it myself. Because of that, I became absolutely numb. Couldn't feel joy or sadness. When the traumatic flashbacks started coming back after 5 yrs, I was assaulted with emotions... but that in itself was traumatic, so I went into denial... launched a fantasy world where none of the pain ever existed. Now I'm learning to filter through those events and emotions and own them and fix what part of me they broke. One at a time. That whole emotional assault was only a little over a year ago, and I can't believe how much I've grown. I'm depressed, but for the first time, I'm trying my hardest to let go of the outcome and focus that desperate energy on learning to live in the present. Yeah, its an emotional roller coaster of epic proportions, but they're my emotions and I'm just thankful to have found them again.
"We learn to become moral masochists. Inflicting pain on ourselves with our thoughts to keep us "in check". If we deserve better then we have to fight for better. If we don't the unconscious guilt becomes overwhelming."
"Sadly that habit becomes default. The guilt our choices creates triggers the punishment."
This is so spot on! Its really tough to reset that default! But "I think I can, I think I can"... so far its a work in progress!
And another layer of that fear is that my change isn't visible to anyone but me.
I think that if you need that external validation of how you appear to others, then you have more work to do.
Just stay the course so that you will be all right, no matter what happens.
However, I do notice that other folks from SI do notice, and tell me so. That feels almost miraculous, since they know how dark my past really is.