Last night she told me she is feeling worse. She went on to say that she considers me just a friend. Well you might as well just have shot me right there. The pain was something else. Again I caused this. I have been trying to help her but my BW is looking for something specific for me to say to her. I guess I just don't get it. She knows everything though be it all wasn't from me. I've told her why I did it. I've told her I will never do it again. She wants new stuff. I've come to digging up crap the OW has done in her life because there is no other new stuff between the OW and me that I haven't told my BW.
My BW is sinking fast and I'm not able to be of any help to grab her. I keep throwing her the same things because that's all I have. I don't have any magical thing that I believe she thinks I'm holding on to. It's all there. It hurts me so much of how I made her feel its making me physically sick.
Are you seeking therapy to go deeper into the whys and grow into a better person?
She may need to see more clearly that you're embracing this process as an individual fully. Then she might be able to let go of the timeline/facts and feeling like it isn't everything (even if it is).
As a BW, I should also say that's just par for the course. Most of us do this. We don't believe we have everything, so we'll circle around it forever. Just be consistent, be honest.
As you said, we deal with this but it does get to a point where you feel like you have hit rock bottom.
We can't lose hope.
If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes. St. Clement of Alexandria
What defines us is how well we rise after falling.
I keep throwing her the same things because that's all I have.
No, you only throw the same thing because you are not going to other parts of the boat to find better things to try and help her with.
You might be afraid to move away from the rail incase she really does sink, but at the same time, you moving to find something better might actually give her the hope to hold on and to see if you can find something better. It will give you time to help yourself to help her.
Its the classic "put the mask on yourself so that you will be able to put the mask onto her"
Dive into relationship books, dive into IC/MC, seek out and attend marriage retreats, find out what her love language is and master it.
Sometimes the worst thing you can do is to continue to the same thing over and over again - its an action that says to a BS "hey, this is all i am going to do for you, so either take it or leave it".....a BS will leave it in a heart beat.
She knows everything though be it all wasn't from me. I've told her why I did it. I've told her I will never do it again. She wants new stuff.
How have you given this information to her?
Create a physical timeline, with extra space incase there really is something new that you can put down. make it 100 ft long if that is what will help your BS.
If that doesnt work, then try something else. And then if that other thing doesnt work, then try something else.
There are hundreds of ideas around here, all you have to do is ask.
The best type of fWS is the type that forward think and do need to be asked to do something....but also do the things that they are asked to do.
Not sure I have good advice but I just wanted to chime in and say I know exactly what you're describing. Asking for more and more info, even when the WS already said everything. I used to do that A LOT. My FWH did everything he could to help, but yes, he got frustrated sometimes too. Not because I was "bugging him", but because he felt helpless about how to help me.
I just wanted to say that she doesn't do this to you in order to be mean, or put you down, or make you life a living hell. The urge to keep looking for more is very very strong. I think maybe unconsciously it's a way of trying to comprehend how this happened to us. It's irrational because there is nothing you can say to make her see things from the angle you saw them when you were in the A. Also, sometime I feel like knowing every minute detail, as if I was there myself, will give me some sense of control back on my life. Irrational of course, but the loss of control over what you cherish the most, your family, that a war can be waged on it without you even knowing, is so devastating.
It does get better. I am 2.5 years out and it rarely, if ever, happens. But for the best part of the 1.5 years post DDay, it did.
Truth, consistency, patience. There is a light at the end of the tunnel if you do it right.
I have been trying to help her but my BW is looking for something specific for me to say to her. I guess I just don't get it.
What part of your A hurts her the most? I know all of it hurts, but where does she feel the greatest sense of loss? Can she or you put it into words? Do you know?
[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:48 AM, March 25th (Monday)]
There is more but I think those are the biggest.
Would it help if you were to initiate acknowledgement of those things she lost that hurt her the most? Sometimes one of the most healing things is to show your willingness to talk about the deepest pains and to be with her as she feels them. Of course, apologize. Of course, try to rebuild what she lost ...or acknowledge what cannot be rebuilt. But more than anything, be there.