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The most hurtful thing heard

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Sam793 posted 3/21/2013 06:29 AM

Of course what I'm going to say is what I deserve. I destroyed my BW and why should she suffer. My BW has told me before that she can't tell me that she loves me because of what I did to her. I totally agree. It really hurts that I won't hear that from her but I caused it to happen. I've been dealing with that myself.

Last night she told me she is feeling worse. She went on to say that she considers me just a friend. Well you might as well just have shot me right there. The pain was something else. Again I caused this. I have been trying to help her but my BW is looking for something specific for me to say to her. I guess I just don't get it. She knows everything though be it all wasn't from me. I've told her why I did it. I've told her I will never do it again. She wants new stuff. I've come to digging up crap the OW has done in her life because there is no other new stuff between the OW and me that I haven't told my BW.

My BW is sinking fast and I'm not able to be of any help to grab her. I keep throwing her the same things because that's all I have. I don't have any magical thing that I believe she thinks I'm holding on to. It's all there. It hurts me so much of how I made her feel its making me physically sick.

RockyMtn posted 3/21/2013 06:43 AM

Have you been doing any intensive work on yourself? Your post makes it clear that you've been digging deep in terms of the facts of the A and the nature of the OW. But how about YOU? Are you giving her all your thought processes as you were going through the A? Your thought processes leading up to the A and after the A?

Are you seeking therapy to go deeper into the whys and grow into a better person?

She may need to see more clearly that you're embracing this process as an individual fully. Then she might be able to let go of the timeline/facts and feeling like it isn't everything (even if it is).

As a BW, I should also say that's just par for the course. Most of us do this. We don't believe we have everything, so we'll circle around it forever. Just be consistent, be honest.

thecaves posted 3/21/2013 09:25 AM

So sorry to hear this Sam. I know how you feel right now. My BW also cannot tell me she loves me and even says that what love she had is dead. It hurts so bad. To make things even harder, I can't tell her I love her as it puts pressure on her and causes her pain. I try to keep hope that there is still something there and the love is not completely dead but it's very hard.

As you said, we deal with this but it does get to a point where you feel like you have hit rock bottom.

We can't lose hope.

If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes. St. Clement of Alexandria

Undefinabl3 posted 3/21/2013 11:00 AM

I keep throwing her the same things because that's all I have.

No, you only throw the same thing because you are not going to other parts of the boat to find better things to try and help her with.

You might be afraid to move away from the rail incase she really does sink, but at the same time, you moving to find something better might actually give her the hope to hold on and to see if you can find something better. It will give you time to help yourself to help her.

Its the classic "put the mask on yourself so that you will be able to put the mask onto her"

Dive into relationship books, dive into IC/MC, seek out and attend marriage retreats, find out what her love language is and master it.

Sometimes the worst thing you can do is to continue to the same thing over and over again - its an action that says to a BS "hey, this is all i am going to do for you, so either take it or leave it".....a BS will leave it in a heart beat.

She knows everything though be it all wasn't from me. I've told her why I did it. I've told her I will never do it again. She wants new stuff.

How have you given this information to her?

Create a physical timeline, with extra space incase there really is something new that you can put down. make it 100 ft long if that is what will help your BS.

If that doesnt work, then try something else. And then if that other thing doesnt work, then try something else.

There are hundreds of ideas around here, all you have to do is ask.

The best type of fWS is the type that forward think and do need to be asked to do something....but also do the things that they are asked to do.

Sam793 posted 3/23/2013 13:36 PM

I have been in IC since D Day. I have told my BW the way I felt about myself and other things leading up to the A. I am reading a book right now and would love to go to a retreat. Unfortunately we aren't in a position to attend on right now. I would love to learn to express in a better way to help my BS heal. Thanks all of the help.

wtf2 posted 3/24/2013 20:59 PM

BS here.

Not sure I have good advice but I just wanted to chime in and say I know exactly what you're describing. Asking for more and more info, even when the WS already said everything. I used to do that A LOT. My FWH did everything he could to help, but yes, he got frustrated sometimes too. Not because I was "bugging him", but because he felt helpless about how to help me.

I just wanted to say that she doesn't do this to you in order to be mean, or put you down, or make you life a living hell. The urge to keep looking for more is very very strong. I think maybe unconsciously it's a way of trying to comprehend how this happened to us. It's irrational because there is nothing you can say to make her see things from the angle you saw them when you were in the A. Also, sometime I feel like knowing every minute detail, as if I was there myself, will give me some sense of control back on my life. Irrational of course, but the loss of control over what you cherish the most, your family, that a war can be waged on it without you even knowing, is so devastating.

It does get better. I am 2.5 years out and it rarely, if ever, happens. But for the best part of the 1.5 years post DDay, it did.

Truth, consistency, patience. There is a light at the end of the tunnel if you do it right.

silverhopes posted 3/25/2013 00:47 AM

I have been trying to help her but my BW is looking for something specific for me to say to her. I guess I just don't get it.

What part of your A hurts her the most? I know all of it hurts, but where does she feel the greatest sense of loss? Can she or you put it into words? Do you know?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:48 AM, March 25th (Monday)]

Sam793 posted 3/25/2013 12:26 PM

I think what hurt her the most which there are a few of them but the most is she trusted me. I was the last person who could do something like this to her. That I went to such a low life when I couldn't deal with things when she was always there for me. That it went on so long and I didn't have the decency to end it.

There is more but I think those are the biggest.

silverhopes posted 3/25/2013 12:38 PM

Maybe it can help to acknowledge those things - not once in a while, but as often as both of you need until you can begin to go forward together with your healing. It's all a process, so even sinking some days is a part of the healing. It could be a deal breaker... either way, don't let that stop you from doing the work.

Would it help if you were to initiate acknowledgement of those things she lost that hurt her the most? Sometimes one of the most healing things is to show your willingness to talk about the deepest pains and to be with her as she feels them. Of course, apologize. Of course, try to rebuild what she lost ...or acknowledge what cannot be rebuilt. But more than anything, be there.

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