Why they never go away, why its bad when they pop up, and when you realize that you really truly ARE a fWS.
I was lucky/unlucky to have a first love early in life. I was 12/13 years old when I found my first true life crush. We showed cows at the county fair together and he would always win. There was a tradition that the person who won the Supreme Grand Champion Showmanship trophy got dunked in the trough. Well, when I was 14 I won it, and he was the lucky person to dunk me….needless to say it was love at first dunk.
After that, we ‘dated’ as much as two people who can’t drive could date. Hours on the phone, movies that our parents went to and sat on the other side of the room….that kind of stuff. When he finally got his license (he’s a year older than me) then we actually got to have real live dates.
It was on and off…one winter he dropped off the face of the earth, never called nothing; broke my heart so bad. He showed up at the county fair with his tail between his legs and he looked horrible. Apparently he got really sick, and found out he had Lupus. He decided that we were too young to be going through this kind of illness and treatment together, so rather than letting me make that choice for myself, he choose for me. I was hurt, but I understand why he did it.
We were off and on for a little bit, and then finally off again. When I turned 18, right before I graduated, he showed back up. I was his one and only, and all the girls he dated were compared to me. He wanted to get married right away because he didn’t know if the Lupus was going to stay in remission or come back….he wanted to live life all at once. I don’t blame him, I probably would have felt the same, but I was 18 and I had goals, and being married at 18 wasn’t one of them. I told him that if we could just be together, and then get married when I graduated, then I would stay close to home (I was going out of state for school)….but he was just to ready to start life.
I was grateful though that I had found love, what that felt like, and knew that I could feel like that again. He might have broken my heart, but I got a gift of love out of it as well.
That was almost 13 years ago...
I looked for him since then, nothing drastic mind you. I have thought of him all the time. And I had a weekly round of national Obit searches since I didn’t know if he still lived in the same state or not.
Then, just like he would always just pop up in RL, there he was on FB.
I sent him a message, just to see if it was him.
Needless to say it was and we talked. 6 months later he posts that his new wife just left him for another man. I told him that I was sorry to hear that and we started a chat.
I literally saw myself drift emotionally away from DH, daydreamed for a second on what it would have been like if I would have went nuts and got married instead of gone to school. It’s amazing what one little chat can do. In almost 13 years, we talked for maybe an hour.
Then I saw my slide – my intentions going into the chat were honest. There is a history between us that can never be changed and I will never forget it. But talking with him made me feel like a teenager again.
We got some things off our chests, there was some closure, but not all, and then we talked like 2 married with family friends would do.
It took me a couple of days actually – and then my feet hit earth. I stepped back and realized…I don’t know who this guy is anymore. I have changed a lot since then, so I am sure that he has too.
I have a husband who, while stubborn and childish at times, loves me for who I am. He is the father of my children, and comes home to me every single night. He has held my hand, my hair when I was sick, and my leg while giving birth. My husband knows me more than I know myself sometimes.
When I went back to tell my first love that I needed to step away – he was gone. He had deactivated his FB account and just like that….just like he always did, POOF’d out of my life.
I’m not going to look for him this time. I don’t need to what if it anymore. I don’t know why he deactivated, but I am glad he did.
Knowing that I can actually trust myself and to realize that I have faults, but that I can rise above them has given me an inner peace that I haven’t felt before.
I passed the test I was given. It wasn’t with an A, no, more like a B- or a C+ since I should have just walked away from the FB site in the first place, but I passed. And if there is another test down the road, I will be better at that one.
A WS can be better if they want to be, they can learn now to fight back against their failings, and they can become faithful partners. I am not my past; my past is not what defines me.