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I Was Lying to Myself

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NGFinishLast posted 3/21/2013 09:29 AM

My last post was sadly titled, "Am I Lying to Myself About Being Okay." Well, for all of you home gamers out there, the answer is a resounding YES! It has now been two months since D-Day. I cried for seven hours straight the other day. I seem to be worse off and I'm seeing a therapist every week.

Her life seems to be getting better without me in it. She's now slimmer than when we met. She never wore dresses or changed her hair even though I practically begged her to over the years. Now she has a new wardrobe, new hair, she turned down a $20k promotion in favor of a $10k raise and for her company to pay for her to go back to school.

All the while she swears she wants me back. OM is gone, but a new player has entered the ring. Cell records show calls every night between 10-12 that last from 1-4 hours and texts repeatedly throughout the day. I found out on the day that I had been strongly considering going back. I confronted and she told me it's ____ her OTHER ex-boyfriend whom she hasn't spoken to in over 10 years. "I know how it looks, but I swear nothing is going on."

I asked her to stop talking to him if she had any inkling of wanting to get back together. She tells me (in the voice of her therapist) "I've made enough unhealthy concessions in this marriage over the years. You're just going to have to trust me. You left the house and can't have it both ways."

I've been depressed a lot lately. Even thought of suicide, but I'd never leave my daughter that way. The old me would've never allowed a relationship to break me down this much. It's like I don't know who I am anymore. I can't control my emotions. I went to her apartment at 2 in the morning last night. I told her that she had one chance to prove to me nothing was going on. Sign on to all of her email accounts and hand me her phone. If she let me check it then I'd know she was trustworthy and we could go from there. She asked me to leave and said "It won't help anything. You won't change your mind." I begged four times and then left.

I guess I officially can't trust her. It kills me inside.
(Sorry this is so long. Thanks for letting me vent)

stronger08 posted 3/21/2013 09:43 AM

Bro you need to detach quickly. The way you are acting is feeding her NPD. And giving her control over this whole situation. She thinks she is some sort of prize that needs to be won. Fuck that shit !!!!!! You want her attention ? Detach and 180 her ass hard. File for D. Right now your letting her call the shots here. That needs to change ASAP. Get your ass to a therapist and unburden yourself man. If you show her that you are moving on without her it certainly will get noticed. You may even find that you like being without her and the insanity she creates. Whatever you do stop being her victim. Man up and stop allowing her to run the show. You cant threaten or nice her into changing. Thats shit just dont work. She will only change if she gets a good look at what life will be without you. And she may even not give a damn too. But either way the focus must be on your healing. Yeah this shit sucks. But you gotta get yourself out of that funk and fight back.

7yrsflushed posted 3/21/2013 10:00 AM

Reread Stronger08's post several times. Stop focusing on her and focus on yourself. Your M doesn't define you, her A doesn't define you, whether or not you stay married or not doesn't define you, YOU define you.

She doesn't want you back, she wants the ability to cake eat and she is enjoying the fact that you are still pining away over her. She is keeping you primed in case she does decide she wants you back but that will NOT be a M of equals. She will still be using you and will have OM on the side as she sees fit. She sounds completely and utterly unremorseful. It's okay to mourn the loss of your M but please remember that you were an individual before you got married and you will be an individual afterwards.

If she is unremorseful and still as you have seen talking to OM even if it's a new guy and obviously is in some type of relationship with him since she kicked you out instead of giving you transparency then time to move on with your life. Go find a lawyer today or tomorrow and file.

Find your anger my friend. Also Nice Guys adn nice girls for that matter most certainly do NOT finish last. People that allow themselves to remain victims after the perpertrator has shown their true colors may think they finish last but eventually they can and do become strong enough to know that the nice guys finish last line of reasoning is complete bull shit.

You can do this, find some anger, 180, detach, go see a lawyer. Take your power back for yourself. Yes this sucks and it will suck for a long time but it gets easier as you detach and yes their is life after an A and dealing with a WS.

5454real posted 3/21/2013 10:01 AM

2nd to what stronger advised.

"I know how it looks, but I swear nothing is going on."

"I've made enough unhealthy concessions in this marriage over the years. You're just going to have to trust me. You left the house and can't have it both ways."

OMFG, Response: "Honey, you can have as many men in your life as you choose. I choose not to be one of them. When you can decide that you only want one and that one is me, call. I might answer."

Detach, 180 kids and finances only. She is desperately trying to get you back under her thumb under her terms.


SBB posted 3/21/2013 10:01 AM


Listen to stronger08 friend.

Reading your post makes me remember the pain. Emotional I expected but the physical pain was a huge surprise.

Please know you're not alone.

Please know you're going to get through this.

Please know its not always going to hurt this bad.

You can't make her be remorseful nor work towards R. You need to go total NC and 180 on her arse like yesterday.

Please friend. Save yourself. She is a lost cause. I could quote every single thing you said she said here and make comments on each one but I'll cut it short - she is still cheating brother and you know it.

Ignore her words, watch her actions. Her actions are screaming at you.

This is something that worked for me. Imagine the pain she has/is inflicting manifesting in physical wounds. Now look down at your body and decide if you want to keep being wounded.

Let.Her.Go. There is nothing you did to cause her to cheat, there is nothing you can do to make her wake up, there is nothing you can do to make her remorseful, there is nothing you can do to make her fight for your M.

You CAN, however, save yourself here.

The work and time it takes to detach s absolute agony but its so worth it. I remember being given lots of support and advice in my early days and I honestly could not see any light down the tunnel. I was in a black, black hole and thought I would be there forever.

I was forged in fire - I am the strongest person I know. This is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I have survived much much worse than this. I was enraged that this bullshit had me on my knees. It took me a long time to get over that aspect.

But... the sun is shining on me again. I am happier than I have been in years. I am free, finally.

I'm so very sorry. Gaslighting, TT is crazy making and rocks you to your very core. I was so badly gaslighted I wondered if I had lost my mind - that is precisely the purpose of gaslighting. To make you feel like you are losing your damn mind.

You're not - you just can't fucking believe what you're seeing. I get it. I couldn't either. I believe it now though.

cuckhold posted 3/21/2013 14:13 PM

Serial cheater. No sympathy, no empathy, no morals. Run!

wonderingbull posted 3/21/2013 14:21 PM

Buck up cowboy....




RyeBread posted 3/21/2013 14:34 PM

I'll second, third, fourth, and fifth what everyone has said about detaching.

Your WW is very focused on herself and blameshifting the hell out of you talking about how many "concessions" she's made. I know you're hurting right now and you have every right to hurt like that. You've been trampled on by her, it F'n hurts bad.

At this point she may be moving on and things are seeming to pick up for her. And that very well may be. But do you want to have someone that unremorseful in your life? She'll run your self-esteem and self-respect through the mud if you let her.

Get your eyes on the prize my friend. That prize is YOU!!

ymo3 posted 3/21/2013 15:44 PM

Normally I don't respond to guys because being the 3rd generation female BS in my family, I am kind of hating the entire male species right now....

but the last line you say she said "it doesn't matter, it wont change your mind" is a blinding neon sign that says "IM HIDING STUFF FROM YOU, AND IM GOING TO USE YOU AS THE REASON YOU CAN'T CHECK IT"

It's my husband's go-to "I'm lying to you" line. He's no longer allowed to say it if he even thinks of hoping to R.

sounds like you should listen to the other guys here.

Holly-Isis posted 3/21/2013 15:52 PM

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in.

get-a-brain posted 3/21/2013 16:08 PM

When a betraying spouse is not willing to make their lives an open book to the betrayed, yet claims that they want to save the marriage, but continues behaving in a self serving manner, hyper-vigilance escalates. The constant need of the betrayed to protect themselves from being deceived again, leads to days consumed with attempting to find evidence that they are, if fact, being told the truth. Their lives begin to revolve around policing the activities of the betraying spouse. Their whole sense of safety in the relationship has been shattered and the continued unwillingness of the cheater to be accountable to their spouse is crazy making. The behavior and verbal claims of the cheater are inconsistent, often serving up lies to appease the anxiety of the betrayed spouse and maintain control over their illusion of intentions. When the anxiety and hyper vigilance of the betrayed spouse reaches a tipping point, demanding answers - often, blame is once again thrust upon the faithful spouse when confronting the betrayer about their lack of accountability. They are accused of being too controlling, crazy, untrusting and then guilted into backing off the pressure, shamed into forgoing accountability because they are the ones driving the cheater crazy. The inability of the betrayed spouse to control the behavior of the betrayer throws them back into feeling helpless, returning to character logical self-blame, and the PTSD cycle continues, looping over and over again. The betrayed begins to doubt their own sanity because their intuition does not match up with the illusion they are being fed. Not "always", but most often, refusal of accountability is a sign that the affair has not ended, and the betrayed continues to be gaslighted. This cycle of infidelity abuse follows closely the domestic abuse cycle.

jimbo25319 posted 3/21/2013 23:22 PM

Retain a lawyer.
Have her served.

Seriously, how much longer are you going to allow this to go on.

Hearthache again posted 3/22/2013 02:38 AM

It doesn't matter if they are a WW or WH they all say the same things. She is deep in the fog I am surprised she is not blind.

I never had to 180 my H but changes didn't start really happening until I made myself number 1 in my life.

Good luck.

jemimapd posted 3/22/2013 07:54 AM

You are getting the same advice here but I am going to be a bit tough.... Buckle up.

I was once where you were with an ex and I nearly killed myself almost crashing my car while crying and begging him to change in a phone conversation.

You say you can't control your emotions. I agree. But you can control your actions. You know she is starting up a new relationship. She told you she wouldn't reveal the details.

Then you begged four times.

That is the point at which you have to take some responsibility for the emotions you went through. Begging your wife to do anything is a recipe for misery. Stop. Just stop. Walk away from her and file for divorce.

At this stage you have a choice about how much more pain you are going to endure. Walking away will hurt but it will also start the road to healing. It will be a finite process. It will free you from being her victim.

Really, from now on, it is about how you behave not how she behaves. Time for you to decide how painful this has to be.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 7:56 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]

SBB posted 3/22/2013 18:31 PM

Time for you to decide how painful this has to be.

Too true.

toomanyregrets posted 3/23/2013 09:22 AM

Maybe it's time to talk to a lawyer.
She's not going to change.

keptmyword posted 3/25/2013 00:40 AM

I begged four times and then left.

I'll be plain, blunt, and deliberate.

Do not beg. Ever. For anything.

Your marriage needs an enema. Your remorseless-as-fuck WW is waste that must be evacuated and flushed.

File for divorce and have her served.

Go stone-fucking-cold when it comes to dealing with her.

A woman who openly fucks-around on you and gives you blatant cold-hearted bullshit about it.
Hmmmmm? How difficult could it be to find something better than this?

Not difficult at all, my friend. Not difficult at all.

Laura28 posted 3/25/2013 06:50 AM

Get rid of her honey.


There is nothing you did to cause her to cheat, there is nothing you can do to make her wake up, there is nothing you can do to make her remorseful, there is nothing you can do to make her fight for your M.

You CAN, however, save yourself here.

My God!!! You are young!!!!

You have your whole life in front of you.

There is a wonderful honest faithful woman out there who needs a man like you.

Time to send this silly woman packing, get yourself a new life and go find her.

Goodness me. If I was only 20 years younger I would kick my FWH to the curb and send you my number

Just kidding!!! I really am too old honey but I know that you would be quite a catch. A faithful man - a rare gem!!!! Such a lucky girl who manages to snare you!!!

There's a wonderful world out there waiting for you. Put this crap behind you and go out and live!!!

And give that girl a chance to find you!!!

Chin up honey



[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:01 AM, March 25th (Monday)]

Take2 posted 3/25/2013 07:23 AM

You want her attention ? Detach and 180 her ass hard. File for D. Right now your letting her call the shots here. That needs to change ASAP.

Stronger is right on the money! In fact, we are all giving you the same advice... Why is that? I'll tell you...

When you ignore and abuse someone and they come to you begging for more... it ain't attractive - actually it's proof you are too good for them! So now she has a new look, a second OM pursuing, and you crying on the door stop. She isn't going to stop and consider her actions when this is the case. Now, if she were looking a D papers and you were aloof, unavailable, getting on with your life... that might give her pause to wonder just who she is, and what she is doing.

You can cry all you want here, at the therapist, in the car, at home -- we all get that; crying is part of the rollercoaster. But do not let her see you cry. Do not beg! No woman I've ever met wants to be married to a man weaker than her. Right now - she sees only your weakness.

You want things to change - it starts with you!

omgnome posted 3/26/2013 10:44 AM

I looked for a button where I could upvote stronger08's comment, but I just couldn't find it. He is spot on.

YOU need to look out for YOU! If you are feeling depressed, get to a doctor NOW! Your wife is not really acting like a remorseful wife. She is not looking out for you, so YOU HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR YOU! Sorry for the caps, but you have to take control of your life. I know it hurts, I know what the feeling is like. I know that pit of the stomach ache, the sorrow, the sleepless nights, having trouble focusing.

She won't give you what you needed to heal so now you have to help heal yourself. You can do it. Before you met her you had to have survived on your own, take the love she had given you, take the pain she dished out to you, take it all in an embrace it. There is nothing to be ashamed of, you did not cheat. You need to take it all, look at your life and find out how you move on. It will be without her, but you can do it, don't give her the power to control YOUR destiny. I know it is tough, and that you love her, when you joined your lives together it was to help each other, to make each other happy, to enjoy the good times, to help each other through the bad times. Now you have to stop helping her and supporting her. Take that energy and put it towards YOU!

You have a daughter, take care of her, take care of yourself.

Please do that. Also talk to us here. We have people that have been through just about everything possible. We are here to help.

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