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Trying to hold on to my hope

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thecaves posted 3/21/2013 09:45 AM

It's been a very tough few weeks and last night I seem to have just dropped like a rock to the saddest point I have been since the first week.

My BW has been struggling to be intimate with me. At first I thought it was just the trigger of the bedroom that I tainted with the OW, but I know it's much more than that. I miss being close to her. Now, it's not us holding each other but feels more like her just letting me hold her for my own needs. To make it worse, in MC I agreed that I would no longer say "I Love You" to her because it puts pressure on her and she doesn't feel it for me. Being able to at least try and help her feel loved was helping me, now that seems lost.

She has asked before how I could betray her if I loved her and that I must not really have loved her. I now twist those words in my head to think she doesn't love me now because she never really loved me before. I know I broke her, I'm just starting to think now that I broke her beyond any sort of repair and the thoughts of losing her and losing her love are killing me right now.

I came here this morning to read and of course the first two posts I see in the wayward side are not good stories but other waywards feeling like I do. Sorry to those reading this to pile onto the sadness today.

I found this quote today and I want to believe in it, but it's hard.

If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes. --St. Clement of Alexandria

How do you hold on and not give up hope that what was destroyed can heal?

EmotionalFool posted 3/21/2013 10:06 AM

You know I dont really feel like saying "I Love You" to CL. The love that I know is so toxic and unhealthy that I just dont feel like giving him THAT kind of love. I have stopped justifying also that I really did love him. I used to think I am the best. I loved myself. Now I cant even justify it to myself .. really? Did i really love myself?? for what? why? how? In case of every trauma the first person to abandon me was ME! I just dont know anymore!!


I guess I am blabbering. But I have been spiraling down for last couple of days and all these divorce related posts have pushed me further down

7yrsflushed posted 3/21/2013 10:15 AM

How do you hold on and not give up hope that what was destroyed can heal?
Until they walk out the door, file for D, and the judge signs the decree there is hope. You are going to have good days and bad days just as your BS will. If she is still there then you still have hope so don't give up. You don't know if you broke her beyond repair until her actions and words say that and show it. So be there for her as best you can and keep working on yourself.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 4:04 PM, March 21st (Thursday)]

chelle1966316 posted 3/21/2013 11:00 AM

Maybe its just a phase these couple of days for us.I know Im feeling the same as you.
Other days I have hope,its what I consider a good day.Today and yesterday not so much.

SandAway posted 3/21/2013 12:11 PM

How do you hold on and not give up hope that what was destroyed can heal?

What 7yrsflushed said, you just do. As long as she is still with you, there is hope. Don't let that go. And I am not sure that what was destroyed will ever be healed. It will be mended but scared forever...

I personally don't like the no 'I love you' rule. Seems damaging in itself, but I would also respect my BS wishes. Maybe you can tell her other ways. Leave a note in her car telling her that your thinking of her or that you will miss her today or that your looking forward to seeing her this evening. Just simple statements. Draw a heart on the bathroom mirror or send her a picture of you holding a note with a heart drawn on it. There are lots of ways to let her know you love her.

She has asked before how I could betray her if I loved her and that I must not really have loved her.

During your A you didn't love her. You thought you did but it isn't the love you feel now for her - or that you felt when you married. During your A, you loved her for being a good mom, wife, friend but not the deep passionate committed love you should have felt. Because if you did, you would never have had an A. (I hope)

R is a tough ride and very scary at times. I can only imagine how hard it is for our BS...

uncertainone posted 3/21/2013 12:29 PM

t/j

In case of every trauma the first person to abandon me was ME! I just dont know anymore!!

Yes!!!! EF, you're spiraling. I recognize this. I did it too. As soon as that concept broke through it was a very scary time for me.

Hang in there. You've just found out your way of thinking and coping was hugely fucked up. Now everything you know and knew has been deconstructed and destroyed.

That creates enormous conflict and uncertainty. Paralyzing, even.

Many of us have walked just this path and still are. My integration was fucking brutal. I'm still getting used to actually feeling things. I have no corners to hide in or places to rest and recuperate anymore.

Baby steps. It's now that you need to be there for yourself as you realize that's who you need to depend on. Others add to your life, not live yours for you as you sit back and order your desires delivered.

End t/j

Thecaves, you hold on to hope by believing that with every sunrise there is a fresh start, another chance, opportunities to do right. It matters as much as air to breathe. Whether your marriage survives or not those chances and choices are writing your future, your children's, your partner current or (hope not) future.

Offhispedestal posted 3/21/2013 12:40 PM

I didnt see a stop sign so I would like to give my opinion from my own experience. By your DDAY it's only been 3 months. You shouldn't be thinking this is as good as it gets and she is done emotionally. It's taken me
Over a year and I have some rough days. At 3 months out I was not sleeping well at all. My first thought as soon as I opened my eyes was MOW. When he held me, smelled me, touched me, kissed me or called me baby or mami ....all I could see was her face. The pain was all over my face. Because of this trauma in the beginning I learned the difference between sex and making love. I had "sex" with him for several months. Sometimes it felt like love and other times it just felt like satisfying our "needs" yes I totally can relate to being broken over this.
Things DO GET BETTER. But it's hard work for both. The pain you struggle with daily and your fears cannot compare to hers. We BS go through comparing ourselves to the other woman or other man in every tiny detail you can imagine. It's obsessive and exhausting but our minds need to process everything.
This fades in time but there will always be a trigger here and there. Is just VERY important to be there for your wife and show lots of support when they are frozen in a trigger.
I'm not a very patient person but you have to be patient as a WS. It's scary, I know. There are times where she may seem distant and she had her back turned to you in bed and she seems totally asleep....many of those times I was turned over just shedding tears over so many thoughts. We stay stuck on "if he/she loved me they wouldn't have done this to me" We've been hearing since birth "love doesn't hurt"
So we feel like the safe option, we feel second best. I takes time, lots of talks between you.
For us, we after many years decided to put God in the center of this marriage. I owe A LOT of my healing to God and the hard work that my H has been doing since true R started.

heforgotme posted 3/21/2013 15:47 PM

How do you hold on and not give up hope that what was destroyed can heal?

Honey. Don't stop what you are doing. We have had a very rough week. Because of me. It will happen. Please do not give up hope. Do not twist things as you have described. As long as you are both trying there is hope. It will be awful. It will be no fun. But there is hope.

tired girl posted 3/21/2013 19:06 PM

How do you hold on to hope?

You do it one day at a time. Quit looking into your future and being afraid that she won't be in it. Look at today and what you have in front of you. You are allowing fear to sit in your drivers seat. You need to get back in control and be that person she needs and the person that is driving his program. You can do this one day at a time. Look at today. Be grateful for what you have today. That is how you do it.

You can do this, the question is, will you?

cinnamongurl posted 3/21/2013 19:52 PM

Just wanted to share a little something I posted a little while back:

Hold
On
Pain
Ends

hardlessons posted 3/21/2013 22:01 PM

Caves, the sound you hear is what is commonly called a Wambalance. It will take you to the island of You where it is all about you 24/7. How is it that all you see with the aftermath is how it effects you and your hope???

When we make our horrible choices and then get busted or fess up we STILL use the same fucked up mechanisms to try and fix it. At some point empathy for your BS is going to have to come into play. Every tear she drops is about her pain, about what you did, but somehow it affects YOUR hope?

We waywards HAVE to take the lead on our own healing and being supportive of our BS. By choosing to whine instead of taking the lead you are making the choice to not R.

So what choice are you going to make? Lead or follow your inaction to Divorce?

5454real posted 3/21/2013 22:54 PM

Quite honestly, hold on by letting go. Don't expect to control the outcome. All you can do is work on you. Make yourself a better man that she can one day maybe trust again. You've set in motion a tsunami. She will trigger everywhere and at everything. Make yourself the safest life preserver you can. One day she may reach for you, don't you want to be ready?

At just over a year out, as I look back, I don't remember much from the first three months as it related to my WW. I was focused on me. The times I do remember were the times she was there and I was in pain. I remember the support. No matter what I threw, she was there. I'm pretty sure she expected me to file daily, yet her support never waived.

She's still there? There's hope.

hopefulmother posted 3/22/2013 13:46 PM

From a BW's perspective. It has only been 3months for you two. I went through the same thing at that point and it did end. She may be pushing you away to test you to see how committed you are. Ask her if she doesn't want you to say "I love you" because of her guilt not being able to say it back. If so, tell her you understand and it hurts, but it is okay. Tell her you still love her. So important to keep saying it. Express that you are not pressuring her to say it back. It is so painful for her to hear "I love you", because she feels bad that she doesn't feel the same way right now. She does love you still or she wouldn't be there. She is confused by her own feelings. She doesn't trust you enough to share that. She is trying to protect herself from you betraying her again. She may just be feeling hurt by that, because as far as she is concerned if you loved her-then you wouldn't have cheated on her. For now those words may be empty, hollow, and painful for her. So show her. Don't give up if she hasn't. She has been through more than you will ever know. Each act of kindness will eventually warm her heart again.

thecaves posted 3/22/2013 15:20 PM

Thanks all for the thoughts. I'm pretty good at keeping myself together and not losing hope, yesterday was just super hard for some reason.

This morning was a little better for me. We embraced and it appeared like she needed that as much a I did. It just seemed liked the appropriate time to tell her I loved her, so i did. I made sure she knows that I don't expect her to tell me it back, I know she can't. I think we both understood each other this morning.

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