I am a habitual cheater. My BS and I have been married for 13 years and together for 18 years. In that time I have had multiple affairs and no matter how much I want to change or stop I don't know how.
My first affair was 8 years ago with a co-worker and it was a full fledged affair that lasted for months before my BS found out and I broke it off, professed my love and stopped my A. Things were bad between us for a long time but they did get better, and right as they got better I had and emotional A with on old friend I knew when I was very little. I snuck around behind my BS back because I knew she would not like me hanging around this OP. BS found out about that an I stopped, and we tried to go to a marriage counselor who didn't help at all and kinda made things worse then they were before. This happened in 2010, and I had cut off contact with the OP until about 8-9 months ago when I stumbled across here via Facebook and re-opened the lines of communication, and once again hid it from my BS. There was never any physical contact we never even saw each other face to face but we had been communicating via text for months and there were a few sexual jokes that were tossed out from time to time but we had been friends since I was about 6 years old and I never thought of her in that way. Then 3 months ago, I started another A with another co-worked and it quickly got out of hand, there was never any physical contact but there was a lot of sexting going on and a few pictures that were sent to me and my BS found out about that one night. I again professed my love and told her I want to work things out. She kicked me out of the house and then asked me to come back. We started going to a marriage counselor again and we both really liked this one. I cut off all contact, wrote her a no contact letter and I am about to start a new job to get away from that, all the while still communicating with my long time friend (the other OP) about what was going on and getting her advise. I had not said anything to her or come clean about my other EA with my long time friend until just a few nights ago, when she just happened to intercept a text message she sent saying happy st. Patricks day. So now everyone is up to speed, I have no idea what to do. I have cut off contact with the OP's, I am still going to the marriage counselor and he knows whats going on, he still thinks there is a chance to work this out given what he has seen from both of us. I have come clean about what has been going on I know my BS doesn't believe me and rightfully so. I am being affectionate and trying to be close with my BS, but every thing I get is telling me she is done, she stop wearing her wedding rings, she won't look me in the eye, she is completely unresponsive to my attempts to be close and affectionate all of which I understand if the roles were reversed I'd probably be the same way. I am just waiting for her to ask me to leave the house again, and I am freaking out, can't sleep can't eat, totally going out of my mind.
I really do love and care for my BS and i do want to work out my marriage, and I know you guys are all gonna say if I truly loved my BS I wouldn't have done any of these things. So what the hell do I do. I am so afraid to lose some one I have know and been with for more then half of my life, not to mention we have 2 children together. I so want to change who I am at the core and stop repeating my past over and over.
Please be kind and offer your advise, If you are just going to be mean and nasty that is not what I came here for, I beat myself up enough over my actions and believe me I hate myself and myself worth is about as low as it could get right now.
I think you are still hiding the entire truth from you W. I would suggest you dig deep and disclose every dirty little secret. I was guilty of the trickle truth. Withholding information was torture on my W.
You need to tell your wife everything you can remember. Create a timeline, include every bit of information you can remember. Tell her where you met, what interested you, what actions you took, what words you spoke. If there is any information you think would hurt your W and you do not tell her, you are not finished with your A. In order for you to be done with your A and move on, you W needs to know every detail.
Once all has been disclosed you should feel disgusted with yourself. You should feel the want/need to improve yourself.
You will never be able to satisfy your wife until you have satisfied yourself.
What was going on in your life when you started the affairs? Were you stressed? Bored?
Please be kind and offer your advise
So do you want just kindness and soft words or do you want the hard truths on how to fix this situation? Because you really can't have it both ways. Fixing this shit is going to be hard work, the hardest work you have ever done, and if you are not up to the task, you may want to figure that out now.
Welcome to SI, the best club you never wanted to be a part of. There are awesome people here on the wayward side, this journey will be hard, but the best one you will ever take if you choose to get honest with yourself.
Please be kind and offer your advise, If you are just going to be mean and nasty that is not what I came here for, I beat myself up enough over my actions and believe me I hate myself and myself worth is about as low as it could get right now
Believe it or not, you could very well go lower. The mean nasty things that you think people here might say may seem mean and nasty to you, but like TG said, they are probably the truth, which you may or may not be ready to hear. If you do get something nasty or mean, then please PM a moderator to let them know, and they will make an evaluation of the situation. The Wayward forum is probably more heavily moderated than any of the other forums here on SI.
Have you read around on SI? Have you checked out the Healing Library? There is a link in the little yellow box in the upper left hand corner of the screen. And yes, there is a section in there for Waywards too.
So, why did you cheat? Why did you keep the EA a secret and restart it after your BW found out?
Stick around, post, read, learn.
ETA (that means edited to add) There are a couple of things to keep in mind...one is the phrase "you can't heal what you won't feel" and the other thing is that if something causes you to react (meaning if you view something here as mean or nasty), then that is probably something you should look at more closely.
[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 7:47 AM, March 22nd (Friday)]
What have you done besides professing your love to your BS? It takes so much more then that. As you are well aware, that means nothing to her anymore. I would start by reading the following links.
Things that every WS needs to know.
How much does my BS hurt?
The Life Boat:
I would also recommend a couple books "Emotional Affair" by Gary Neuman and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. They will both open your eyes to what you need to understand - boundaries.
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
[This message edited by fulloflies at 11:40 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
No, there isn't much you can do to convince her she has all of the truth now. Trying to convince her of anything shouldn't be your motivation right now. Just breath and take care of yourself, as in keep yourself healthy right now.
Have you been able to figure out why you cheated?
I am a newbie here - only a couple of months out of my dday. I have found the truth from members on SI invaluable - even when tough it hear - it comes from a loving place. They've given me massive guidance on the first steps of R.
Just a note of encouragement really - my BS initially did not believe a word I said - why would they - we've been shown to be absolute liars?! But through consistency and revealing every single detail - they are slowly begining to believe that what I've told them is not just a version of events - but the truth. So, hang in there ... Ive seen mine come around and although v v early days, he does now believe he knows all the truth of the A.
I'm sorry about your father and you having to find him that way. I'm sorry that you don't remember your daughter's early years. But you know what? You can recover from this.
In your words I am seeing some first steps. Please be patient, and be persistent. There are answers, and you know your own story better than anyone else. Take each trauma, each resentment, and work through it. There is a better place, and it will likely involve your BW and your DD, as long as you step up and take responsibility know as an adult that you were so young to take on.
Just curious, you said you have two children but only really mentioned your 15 yo daughter.
You're damaged from your relationship with your father and his death. Being damaged from trauma doesn't excuse our behavior, but you were dealt a very tough hand at a young age. You've made mistakes, but you also manned up and provided for your family, when a lesser man might've walked away.
I got married at 29, to a 39-year-old man I chose and fell in love with. So I can't pretend to relate to your situation. One of the reasons I finally strayed, was that I missed that "new relationship" rush, which I haven't had in 16 years. But I had it plenty from age 18-25, so I was just being a selfish a-hole. Still working through my feelings.
Cry. Don't hold back, embrace life with all its highs and lows.
[This message edited by fulloflies at 10:57 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]
As crappy as you feel, you are the only one in control, so it is a decision that you have to make. And in this case, the decision is whether you're going to get over yourself enough to save your M. Because that's exactly what you stand to lose if you can't find a way out of the spiral.
I hate to speak for my BS, since I've unfairly disparaged him to my xAPs (I am so sorry). But for two weeks post-DD he was mercurial. Swinging from one mood to the next...somewhat in shock I think. Reading the resources on this site, and my posts and others, he said really helped him. Nobody's making it through this alone.