SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Interesting Insight/Related Question

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

KBeguile posted 3/21/2013 21:49 PM

In IC the other day, I realized that the written and verbal assaults I was dishing out about my BS behind her back were completely identical to the verbal assaults I would see/hear/endure my mother giving (either to me or to others, some behind their backs) before she would become weepy and overly apologetic for saying those things and want to take them all back. I was rather stunned at the realization, but it didn't completely surprise me.

So, my question is this (and I'm primarily looking for responses from the WS POV, but BSes are allowed to interject, which is why there's no stop sign):

Did any of you realize that your behavior during A mirror that of one or both of your parents? Has that realization had any impact on you since?

BaxtersBFF posted 3/22/2013 08:35 AM

Yes. I live in a different time zone now.

Seriously though, this is what FOO issues are all about. We learn to model what we experience, and it seems more often that not, that WS has some seriously f'ed up behaviors which they learned to model pretty early in life.

That isn't always the case, but I think there is a very strong correlation.

The hard part for me was not "blaming" my parents. Sort of along the lines of what I did, my parents thought they were doing the right thing in many ways, so there is/was/will never be anything they feel needs fixing and the problem lies with me. I see it differently now of course, but there are boundaries in place with my folks now. I still love them, but there're boundaries. Also, I'm working on an IC fund for my kids when they get older.

SandAway posted 3/22/2013 09:11 AM

Also, I'm working on an IC fund for my kids when they get older.

lol - that made me smile.

uncertainone posted 3/22/2013 11:42 AM

Did any of you realize that your behavior during A mirror that of one or both of your parents

Sadly, I thought up my particular brand of shit all on my own without any help.

Love to be able to invite mommy and daddy to the party but they had their own brand of dysfunction that was completely different.

Why did you choose to do those actions when you knew how much they hurt?

Written? Who were you writing to and why was your wife the subject of these missives?

KBeguile posted 3/23/2013 13:36 PM

The hard part for me was not "blaming" my parents.

I reached a peace about this a while ago, but it wouldn't hurt to refresh it. Besides, it takes more than just a solemn vow to yourself to avoid something - it takes active awareness and realization of key behaviors and knowing how to stop them before they get out of hand that actually solves the problem.

I see it differently now of course, but there are boundaries in place with my folks now. I still love them, but there're boundaries.

Like not letting parents dictate how you deal with your children now?

Why did you choose to do those actions when you knew how much they hurt?

At the time, I was being super-selfish. I didn't care whether my actions hurt or not. I wanted what I wanted (or, rather, what it was I thought I wanted, thanks to my SA), and I didn't care who got hurt so long as I got what I wanted: sympathy, attention, sexual attention, and so on. I also had very poor boundaries (I literally considered my life an open book to anyone, save for the parts I was covering up out of shame/imperfection), so that allowed me to permit myself to do these things.

Written? Who were you writing to and why was your wife the subject of these missives?

Written and spoken, both, I'm afraid. All APs. As mentioned before, it was a ploy for sympathy and attention.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.