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JustmeVA posted 3/22/2013 10:11 AM

Not sure this is the place to post.. So Mod.. Pls move if this is not the right spot..

I am an adulterer..

I learned over the past couple days from my SO that she is having trouble with issues from back when we first met and a more recent issue.... That she feels like I have never admitted that the things I did were affairs and that they were blocking our reconcilation from her EA's and her PA with her sister's BIL. I truly thought that I had apologized for these things I did apologize, but it seems it was not the way or someway the way that it needed to be for her.

Back Story....

Very early on in her's and my relationship I was still on a dating site talking to women even after I told her I loved her... Wrong.. So so wrong of me.. The reasons... Well.. They are just excuses and I should have been more of a man and less scared.. Let things happen the way they unfolded and not worry about what this beautiful young women was doing with me.. For that I am truly sorry.. When she found out.. I deleted my profile and that was the end of that... I have not been on any dating/hook=up site since then.. Nor do I plan on being.. How do I help her heal from this after 3 yrs? I thought that by not doing it anymore was enough.. I was wrong... I felt like I showed true remorse but I have found in what i have read here that everyones def. of remorse seems to very in scale a little... So maybe I have not shown it in the right way.. Am I wrong in thinking that what may show remorse to one may not show remorse to another??

The more recent issue happened when we were trying to "figure us out". It the request of a mutual friend I asked a FB friend to join me and the others for a drink... Again.. A mistake because I should not have even been thinking about other women until we figured "us" out.. Nothing happened.. She didnt show.. But it does not make the offense any less..She found the email when she was going through my phone after she decided to end her PA.. I have never kept my phone from her especially after the incident from early on in our relationship.. I had thoughts that she was having an affiar during the Figuring "us" out time although I should not have missed my chance to be a man.. I did though however miss my chance to be a man and do the right thing.. In both this instances I failed... Miserably.. Niether offense being any better then the other.. Both were affairs...

Moving forward..

How do help her move beyond these issues? I have admitted to her that they were affairs.. I hurt her..
I can never take the things I did away. I relaize that.. But I do want our relationship.. I show up every day for her and her kids.. How do I show up for her and help her heal from this??

Finally10 posted 3/22/2013 15:03 PM

Best advice I can offer is for you to read How to help Your Spouse heal from your Affair by Joyce McDonald, and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass for starters.

You have special circumstances with both of you having affairs so I would check out the Mad Hatters thread in the I can relate section of the forum and check out the healing library (the yellow box in the upper right hand corner of the page).

While doing that, show up, be present and attentive and acknowledge your mistakes or "own your shit" as they say here and work on rebuilding mutual trust by not inflicting any more hurt, betrayal, lies or deceit into to your relationship.

beenthere2? posted 3/22/2013 20:58 PM

I am wondering what your SO is doing toward ending these roadblocks. Are they actual roadblocks or is she shifting the blame from her PA onto you?

JustmeVA posted 3/25/2013 08:31 AM

Finally.. I am showing up every day.. And I am in IC and we are in CC.. Thanks for your insight...

Been There... I dont know if it is blame shifting or not... She has lost her IC and I am trying very hard to help her find one.. She knows she has FOO and past issues that need addressing and I am hopeful that she will find someone soon so she can continue on a healing path not only in our relationship but her own personal walk...

Finally10 posted 3/25/2013 10:52 AM

JustMe;

I had a ONS 35 years ago while on a business trip - she found out, she confronted me and AP a few weeks after, and I apologized many times, promised not to repeat (and haven't) BUT, throughout our repeated arguments over this, I lied about the intimate details of exactly what I had done, and she felt all along that it was more that I wasn't telling, so she could never get any type of closure.

Periodically over the years it would come up again and I would lie, minimize, gaslight, blame shift and every other thing a wayward husband could do in handling it wrong. Fast forward to 6 1/2 months ago, the guilt over the lies I told her finally got to me coupled with some other personal things going on in our family, and in another of our discussion sessions, and after she found SI, I finally gave her as much of the detail as I could remember (I wish I could say I just came out and told her, but she had to drag it out with questions over a few days so I made it even more painful for her).

The point of this story is that even just 6 months ago, I looked for what she did or was doing wrong to minimize my guilt, make me not feel so bad about what I did. My wife has never betrayed me or ever done anything even remotely questionable and has stood by me throughout several personal and business crises for which I am eternally grateful. None the less, I still looked for things to blame her for to make the arguments we were having less one sided with me doing everything wrong.

In my reading, counselling and self analysis, I have come to realize that much of what I thought she was doing "wrong" was really based in her remaining suspicion, lack of trust, and unresolved issues from many, many years of my lies to her.

I suspect Your W is in a similar place, meaning that she has unresolved issues,suspicion or whatever lurking and may be looking to use "offsetting" transgressions to reduce her own guilt and feelings of having betrayed her H. I struggle to this day with understanding how I could have betrayed the values I once held in such I regard, let alone choose hurt someone who loved and cared for me as much as she does.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things, but you guys have a special set of circumstances in that you have betrayed each other. I cannot imagine navigating both sides of this horrible equation at the same time. She has to figure out how, having felt the devastation of betrayal first, could she feel OK inflicting that pain on you. What role did her unresolved issues with your A play into her decisions to have her own A? And how can she resolve them now while you deal with her betrayal? Very tough spot you both are in. It is going to take a lot of love, patience, compassion, understanding and above all communication from both of you to work through this together if that is the path you each choose.

[This message edited by Finally10 at 11:02 AM, March 25th (Monday)]

JustmeVA posted 3/25/2013 14:35 PM

I must admit there is always an impulse for alot of us to only give what we feel is pertinent info.. I know I have been bad at giving it all up in the past.. Not talking about that here...Cuz I have had total disclosure with her on details.. I believe she has been struggling with the fact that I never came out and said that they were A's.. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Finially..

[This message edited by JustmeVA at 2:48 PM, March 25th (Monday)]