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Newest Member: Jawshappy (61166)

User Topic: My conundrum
♀ 38792
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My world turned upside down 3 days ago when my bf who I have been living with for the past couple of years had a bad motorbike accident. He is still in the ICU with broken bones and on breathing support but the prognosis is good once they get his lungs sorted out. He can talk, and has asked me to pay a few bills on his computer etc for him. In the process of doing this, I have found things on his computer that have shocked and dismayed me.

I must admit, once finding a couple of odd things, it drove me to dig more and more and I have discovered he is a member on at least 5 adult sex meeting sites, also on the web cam type sites and has had phone contact with a prostitute. I know he has been actively seeking sex with both males and females, even though I was never aware he had any bi tendencies. I am not entirely sure if he has actually met up with anyone in person at this stage or not.

I have faced these last couple of days staying by his side in hospital and giving my loving support, while all the time it is eating away at me that he very well may have been intimate with others and cheating on me. He is way too sick at this point to have any sort of conversation about it. I was able to mention to him that when he is home it will be like a new start for us and we will look after each other and always be loyal to each other. He looked me in the eyes and said "where did that come from? You know how much I love you and that I would never cheat on you." Fact is he has always been a very loving and caring partner. Makes it all the harder when you are completely blind-sided. I am trying to focus on him getting better and not the betrayal stuff. This is a struggle and I fluctuate from being strong and composed to breaking down sobbing.

The day of the motorbike accident, he was laid off work and so now has no job and no money and I will have to financially support him when he comes home from hospital. He has no family near us - they are all in a different part of the country. I am a single mum of a teenager so I have to be careful financially.

I stumbled across this website and found a little comfort in reading the stories of others. Not sure if I fit in here, not actually knowing what he has exactly been up to, but I know there has been betrayal of trust if nothing more. It is very hard when your world gets turned upside down and you don't know where to turn.

Any comments appreciated. Thank you for allowing me to share.

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 37895
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you find yourself here. You will find an unlimited amount of wisdom and support here.

You are dealing with a huge amount. People with more experience will be along soon. Rest, try to eat, drink water, find one or two trusted people you can confide in.

I hate to say this but multiple online sex site registrations indicate that this possibly goes beyond "curiosity" or "just looking". You may be dealing with an addictive personality who has compartmentalized his life to the extent that he actually doesn't believe he is cheating. But he is in an organized and deliberate way.

But what I really wanted to say is that you are under no obligation to look after him or financially support him! No way. Please put yourself and your child first. Don't risk your own finances, your peace of mind or your happiness for a man whose behavior is at best very dubious. You have to look out for yourself right now!

Sadly, what we find out on Day 1 is usually the tip of the iceberg. Please keep posting.

Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 33559
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, what Jemimapd said is true and what you found is probably only the tip of the iceberg. I have no doubt that he loves you and you love him but you are not obligated to take care of him. If he has no job to report to, then he's able to relocate and his family can take him in. There are options. There's no hurry to make any decisions but please be aware that you have choices. I do understand how hard this is though. My prayers for his recovery.

BW--Me, 59
FWH--Him, 61
Married 37 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 647 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a horrible situation for you.

Your boyfriend's activities do constitute cheating---the magnitude of his activities vastly surpass "curiosity." You have very likely just uncovered the tip of the iceberg---and he will do his level best to minimize it, even as it escalates.

That he was able to look you in the eye and gaslight you ("Where did THAT come from?" is an intentional effort to affect your trust in your own instincts; when carried out over time, this is a form of psychological abuse), knowing what he's done, is chilling.

You are NOT obligated to care for a man who has been unfaithful to you. His family may be far away, but given that he does not have a job, he is free to return home to the loving bosom of his family. I would contact the family member with whom he is closest and ask him/her to make arrangements.

Failing that, social services in the hospital can arrange for aftercare for him.

At this point, he is not a safe prospect for a life partner. He is an especially unsafe partner when you have a teenager in your house. His computer activities just make him skeevy to have around. (I am assuming that you live together. ETA: Sorry, on second reading, I see that you are; I think this is potentially quite risky.)

In order to be a safe partner, he's going to need a LOT of specialized therapy. And that won't happen if he's telling himself that there's nothing wrong with what he's doing.

Love is not enough.

Furthermore, you can't change him----not a single thing about him.

If you are willing to accept him EXACTLY as he is---knowing that change is at least at first far more likely to be in the form of escalation of his behavior than recovery--then yes; take care of him as he convalesces and support him in his unemployment.

This is not a choice I would make. I would notify his family that they need to step up to the plate to care for him during his convalescence and unemployment, as you've discovered he's a cheater.

Despite my bluntness, I am tremendously sorry for your pain. And I do hope your BF continues to recover well.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:55 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]

BS-me, 55; WX-irrelevant
Divorced after an eternity
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tenn

Posts: 15256 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ 28554
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

First, your BF is cheating. He didn't pay for those sites just for curiousity sake.

I bet if you dig deeper you will find more. Have you checked his email? Cell bill?

Please get tested for STDs and don't have sex with him, especially without a condom without him having a clean STD test for 6 months.

Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you find yourself here and in this very unfortunate situation. It is common for us to try to covert to the caregiver and tend to rugsweep it when there is a better time to address. Only you can decide if you will let him return to your home. That is YOUR choice, not a requirement. While his family lives far away, that might still be a good option. I imagine your head is reeling right now. Take care of yourself and your child. That is top priority. I second the getting tested for STD's especially if he has been looking to hook up with males and females.

There is a lot of support here....keep posting.

Me-54 BS
Him 61-WS
Married 34 yrs, together 37
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1962 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
♀ 38792
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, March 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your comments, they are appreciated.

Jemimapd - something that you said resonated with me. I have the feeling that in some way he doesn't believe he is cheating. He portrays nothing but loving kindness towards me and we have had conversations in the past about cheaters, and how we are so glad that is not a factor in our relationship!

Peacelove - Thank you for your prayers for his recovery, they are much appreciated. It scares me to think this is probably only the tip of the iceberg, but I have to resolve myself to see him through his time in hospital first before I can have any sort of conversation about what is going on.

solus sto - I appreciated what you've said about him not being a safe partner to have as a life partner, and how a lot of specialized therapy may be needed. Thanks for being open and honest in what you have said, it is what I need to hear.

beenthere2 - yes I have checked his emails and even found a way to recover some of the ones he had hard deleted. The main damning ones were ones to a prostitute (who I think gets new business through offering a "freebee" to new clientele via an online sex site). He said to her that he has a gf but is looking for a fb. She replied that she had promised him a freebee with her for a limited time, but after that he would have to pay for her services. There are no more emails (that I could recover) to her after that, but on his mobile phone calls there are messages and calls to her for a couple of days after that email. I don't know if he ever got his freebee

brkn_hearted - thanks for the STD testing advice. I have booked in Monday to see my doctor.

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 38792
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A bit more to the story.

When I check his internet history I found all the sex sites he is on, and some he was actively advertising for hook ups on. One gave a pic of his penis and said "my gf is at work, who wants to come over now". I don't know if he got any takers though. He has also been advertising for hook ups with couples, and others asking for males to explore his bi side.

He is on antidepressants and had a few suicide attempts about 10 years ago. I am scared if I send him packing I will push him over the edge.

I sound like the biggest loser don't I.

[This message edited by sparklingwater at 4:31 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 36923
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkling, you are not a loser. It's just that we are trusting, good people who expected our significant other to be trustworthy. Unfortunately for us, they turned out to be anything but that.

Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
♀ 38792
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you evephoebel.

In an odd way I have found it fascinating how my psyche has dealt with suffering this much stress at the moment.

All thoughts of food go out the window, you can't sleep and your mind races all the time. One moment some semblance of strength and the next uncontrollable tears.

My parents have kindly been having my teenager stay at their house for the last few days for me. Tasks like doing dishes and cooking dinner have gone out the window what with being at the hospital all the time and dealing with the cheating issues. I've found that when you are emotionally and mentally stretched to the limit you just can't take on anything else. Hard to explain, but I guess that is why you good folks remind us newbies to rest, eat and keep the fluids up.

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 32550
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry. This is incredibly awful.

Given what you have found...I would like to point out to you this is a man that has offered complete strangers access to your home for anonymous sex. It doesn't matter if you can't prove it, yet. The very possibility is hugely disturbing. And I hate to say it, but it is probably true and may in fact be the very least of your problems.

I would start making immediate arrangements for his family to come help him and take him in at least temporarily. It is seriously the most loving thing you can do for him and yourself at this time. You do not want a man capable of this living in your home, especially if you have a teen. You don't have to tell his family what you know, if you don't want to. But it would not be out of line to tell them if you wanted to. I assume you would want to know if you were asked to take a family member in the whole story of what you could be getting into.

While he's gone, you can work over the trauma this has caused you. Take care of yourself. Figure out what your options are. But you are not going to be able to do that with him in your home right now. I'm not saying that you should kick him out forever, but honestly you do not need the problems that will ensue when he comes home and the proverbial shit hits the fan. Please give this some serious thought.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1503 | Registered: Jun 2011
♂ 19333
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is an old saying "Go to a barbershop enough times and sooner or later you are going to get your haircut." I thinks he has seen his share of barbers.

You are not a loser. Put this out of your mind, period.

There is something quite broken with your BF. Whether or not it can be fixed remains to be seen.

Your conundrum is you are a human being and you feel sympathy for others. He lost his job. He has tried to commit suicide. He is depressed.

All of the above are facts, but not your responsibility. The only people you should be concerned about is you and your daughter. No, I am not being cold, I am just being brutally honest.

As much as you love him, he is not capable (at this point) of being faithful. I would not be surprised that this is just the tip of the iceberg. This probably has been going on for years, most likely prior to meeting you.

Ask yourself what you would tell a friend in a similar situation.

You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

D-Day 4/14/08

Posts: 9713 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
♀ 32962
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I would like to say that I am so sorry you find yourself here. I also totally understand the emotional roller coaster you have been on since I have been there though my situation was different.

Everyone else has given excellent advice. I wanted to mention a couple of things you might not have thought about. If you bring this man back into your home, you might have a really difficult time getting him out of your home if it becomes clear you can't move forward given what you have learned or you come to the realization that all of this is a dealbreaker.

It would be far healthier for you to let him go home to some other family member while you decide what you want with the rest of your life and you decide if you can take this broken person and try to wait for them to heal themselves, (because you know you can't fix them, right?).

I understand this man does have a true suicidal history, but something to be aware of is that threatening suicide is a favorite way many waywards get their betrayed partner off their back and to shift the focus. The correct way to deal with any threats like this, if they surface, is an immediate call to 911. That way if they are legitimately suicidal you are getting them the help they need and if not, you have called their bluff and they won't try it again.

Like everyone here has said, right now you need to focus on you and your child. You've definitely been blindsided and it's like being run over by a truck and tumbled down the side of the highway. Right now you're just trying to get up and figure out where the heck you are.

I wish you all the best, and I hope you'll keep posting here and take that very good advice people have here to heart. This is advice from people who have been there, done that, and the pattern has repeated itself on this forum so many times you can almost predict an outcome. The advice you're getting is as sound as you would get anywhere.

-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 1025 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 38792
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, March 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys.

I have been in frank and honest communication with his mum throughout this ordeal, keeping her informed of his health and I have told her all of the other stuff also.
I have put it to her, that it might be best if he goes home to her to recover once discharged from hospital and asked her and her husband to think about this.

HeavyE - I think you're spot on about this being a long term behavior problem - some of his posts on forums have been along the lines of "I'm back, remember me".

Most of all I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to respond to me. You have all been in similar places to me and know what it is like. Your support and advice is wonderful. Thank you.

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 38792
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, March 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The drive to find out everything I can is both intoxicating and sickening me. I just want to be able to talk to him about it.

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 30284
Member # 30284
Helpless  Posted: 8:30 AM, March 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkling.....this is exactly how I find out what my husband was doing and he did it the same way via the websites. There is no question on whether your BF cheated or saw a prostitute. HE DID. Plain and simple and I'm so very sorry. He sounds as if he is active in addiction and for your safety and sanity the best thing to do if get distance and let him deal with his own care. He will lie about what he's done and cause further hurt. Been there and done that

BW - 41
FWH - 43, SA since around 2005
Dday 4/9/10
Months and months of TT torture.
DD born 3/1/13
In R? Feels like going witht the flow.
Trying to get used to the new "normal"

Posts: 396 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: The worst place I can be - inside my own brain
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry that you're in this position. You know that having that conversation with him will be a bunch of gas lighting and blame shifting, right?

What is a deal breaker for you? Has he broken that boundary? What are the consequences of breaking that boundary.

In my opinion, he was entrusted with your heart. He did not guard it as he should have, so all bets are off for you taking care of hima fter this unfortunate accident.

All actions have consequences,and this mess is a consequence of his horrible actions.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9154 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ 38792
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The questions of what is a deal breaker for me and has he crossed that boundary are questions I have been thinking about during the last week or so since this all happened. I know he has betrayed my trust in him, that is a given. I really need to frankly and honestly talk to him, but that won't be any time soon.Everyone deserves to have their say (don't get me wrong, I realize if he has actually had any hook ups he is going to try and hide it. Imagine how you all would feel if you strongly suspected your partner of cheating but were unable to confront them with it. I guess that indicates that my boundary is if there has actually been any physical contact with another.

He is scheduled for another operation tomorrow and still in ICU so fingers crossed that goes well.

Sorry I am not familiar with your abbreviations yet, I can't even eat atm let alone learn them.

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My prayers for your bf's recovery.
I am in a similar situation as yours, but in my case we have been married 35 years and I did uncover at least 1 physical affair.

I am working to get my ducks in a row for divorce/leaving him. My wayward husband is also unemployed.

I don't want to frighten you at a time when you already have an overwhelming amount of stress to deal with.

This thought is what my sister planted into my head..

With the heavy usage of online sex sites a time may come that your bf or my soon to be ex husband will intentionally or accidentally respond to somebody( on the online dating/ sex sites) who happens to be underage. When this happens there is a risk that a law enforcement sting or bust may happen resulting in an arrest for solicitation of minors for sex.

All adult people that live in the same home where the online activity occurred could be held equally liable for the same offense

I hoping and praying that nothing like that happens to us
((( sparklingwater)))

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

60 years young..

Posts: 3929 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Texas
♀ 38792
Member # 38792
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, March 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's now out of ICU and in a ward. He's been upset and crying when he sees me - been very thankful for all my love and support(and maybe feeling guilty).
Yesterday I was able to speak for the first time about the cheating with him. He denied nothing, admitted what he has been doing, and how he has been feeling terrible about it. He isn't upset at all that I have been checking his phone and pc, and didn't ask me to stop. He tentatively asked me to close his sex site accounts, I said we would do that together in the future when he is out of hospital. (I want him to have to go through me physically seeing his accounts and their content with him). He looked me unwavering in the eye and told me it has all been online and he hasn't met anyone in person, when I asked. This fits with what I have seen of his conversations. I told him I have had STD testing done, and again he said not to worry it will be negative. He seems (at this stage) very remorseful but I am aware given his ill health things are not a "normal situation".

I have no idea what the future holds for us. It will depend on if he is truly sorry for what he has done and if the behavior stops or not. It will also depend on him getting the necessary help he needs for his addiction. We have always had a close and loving relationship together so I am cautiously willing to see how things pan out.I am not a fool though, and won't let anyone treat me like one.

IMO this site gives people somewhere to turn when they feel their world has turned upside down. There is much knowledge to be gained here through the healing library and through other peoples experiences. Thanks for that.

[This message edited by sparklingwater at 1:43 AM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Newly single and trying to find my feet.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 20

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