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Strawda posted 3/22/2013 20:07 PM

Hi I am new to this site and new to all thats happind So not sure where to start. Its bin 2mounths since I tould my BS and had are Dday. Of cores ive had smaller Ddays even afer that I had bin with my BS for almost 6years. An had an A for almost 5years of it I was and I am realy bad at compartmmentalizen and made it ok what i did. Tell 1 day i sent a tex to my BS ment for Ow in the A. Now I am trying to figger out how to Reconsile cuss My eyes are open and dont have rose glasses on. I see all ive done and want to be the man I should have bin all alone and protected my BS. I am going to counsling once a weak and looking online at times for help. But I sill Fall into how I was as the monster that Betreyd my BS. I shut down when she trys to tell me how she feels. I get defensive and sey but alot and try and make sound better than whatever bad stuff is being sed to me. I have a hard time seying my emotions and look at he blain. she sess I cant read your mind and I know she cant yet I do it alot. I always seam to stop all I try and do to better my self to. I cant seem to finde a way to be consistant. I try and reusure my BS I am being faithfull and she can trust me. But thats easyer than sed since I cryd wolf alot and sed things to her that whernt true and now when true I lost the trust. She is willing to give me a change if I can pull my head out my butt and prove im wherth it. Please help me. I dont want to be dead to my BS. I will do anything to prov my self. I want to mean somthing and have self werth. I dont ever want to be the monster I was ever again TY for any help or ideas to help me. cuss I need the help lol

[This message edited by Strawda at 8:08 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]

BaxtersBFF posted 3/22/2013 20:23 PM

Welcome to SI Strawda,

First off, I would suggest maybe you just shut up sometimes. Let me explain please...

If you are trying to twist her words to something else, then you aren't respecting or even listening to her at all. Very disrespectful. Stop doing that. Just listen to what she says and keep your mouth shut.

Anything that comes out of your mouth should be said from the perspective of being the one at fault. You made the choices you made and that is the end of the story as far as she is concerned. She doesn't want excuses, justifying, or anything else that doesn't involve you saying "I'm sorry" along with a lot of actions that show her you are in it to win it.

Have you taken any time to read through the Healing Library? there are a number of threads in there to help get perspective of the BS and what the WS has done to them by choosing to have an A.

Probably the biggest thing to remember is that your words mean shit right now. Actions will be one of the main ways your BS will begin to believe that you are changing.

Oh, the Healing Library is found via the little button in the yellow box at the top of the screen.

BrokenRoad posted 3/22/2013 20:31 PM

I concur with BaxtersBFF.
Humility goes a long way right now and for the forseeable future. My best friends were my firmly clamped jaws during the beginning.

Also, I can relate to feeling like a monster, in fact I remember just talking to BaxersBFF about that not long ago. As long as you stick with it, and do the work on yourself, that will lessen.

Try to think about the kind of man you want to be, what does that look like, what does that sound like. Work on finding out what it is that allowed you to take the leap?

The book that opened my eyes to "how COULD I do this?" was "not just friends" by Shirley Glass.

Hope that helps.

UnexpectedSong posted 3/22/2013 23:24 PM

I have a hard time seying my emotions

Which emotions are difficult for you to express? Sadness? Regret?

Do you have problems showing anger?

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 11:25 PM, March 22nd (Friday)]

Strawda posted 3/23/2013 00:21 AM

Ya I have the book noy just friends. an some others, Ive looked in healing yes, prob not as mutch as i should thou. TY for some info thou I have a long ways to go. Just the other night she askd qestions about the A an afterwords I awnserd them and she was hurting but i felt bad and shut down. I was selfesh and felt how she was hurting and how made me feel bad more than I felt to reach out and reusure my BS, All I did was put my hand on her as she leyd away from me and sed I hope you can get sleep. WTF??? I was heartless and cruil to sey somthing like that. yet I did. An boy did she flip out. An I diservd it. But I pushd her away now more and made her trust im there for her less. Im there for her stronge she sess then I do somthing like that an makes her want to put up walls. I do that pattern alot she sess I try hard then not so mutch

Strawda posted 3/23/2013 00:25 AM

Sorry to all who read my stuff and see how crappy I spell.... No I show angre and rage easy, An I get defensive easy as well, I have a hard time seying the other emotions fears sarrows sadness things like that. An thes days I am knowing what I feel more but I cant seem to spit it out when talking, I go blaink. An thats when she sess she cant read my mind and I end up seying what Im thinking and feeling.

UnexpectedSong posted 3/23/2013 09:39 AM

Anger is a secondary emotion. It always covers something else up, maybe fear or sadness. What is it covering up for you?

What are you afraid of in showing her your pain?

When you were growing up, did you get hurt more when you showed fear or pain? I'm wondering where you learned to only show anger.

BrokenRoad posted 3/23/2013 19:18 PM

Keep in mind you can always write it out.
Dont worry about the spelling, we can still read it and so will she.

budbusch posted 3/23/2013 23:15 PM


Sorry to all who read my stuff and see how crappy I spell

My suggestion would be to type your thoughts out in Microsoft Word Document. Hit he spell check function. Some versions will auto correct your spelling. Once finished typing you can copy and paste into the little box. This is one technique I have used since highschool. It comes in handy.

I feel more but I cant seem to spit it out when talking, I go blaink.

I can completely relate. What I have been working on is just saying a part of the sentence at a time. Once I get the beginning going, I can go off of what has already been said. Too many times have I just sat there and had a whole conversation with myself without saying a word. I reword my response in my head, forcast her reaction in my head, I change topics/subjects in my head without W knowing one thought. While I am too caught up about how I say what I think, she is twisting and turning inside. I know I have to say something, so I try not to think. I just start with the basic stuff I want to say.

Good luck.

[This message edited by budbusch at 11:34 PM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

Strawda posted 3/25/2013 10:41 AM

Well thats good cuss I cant spell. Ive bin that way all my life. To awnser yu qestion no I did not talk to anyone in my familey of anything growing up. By parents split early in my life. Both where angry and yelld alot. I wasnt wanted mutch growing up. My mom put me on a plane alot and sent me to live with difrent familey alot. Was the black sheep off 3 kids. Older brother and yunger siss got all name brands and wher the specail ones. I got ham me downs an walmart. An older brother kickd my ass alot. Lil siss was emotionaly a brat to me. I pissd the bed tell I was like 12. An she made sure to tell all her friends. Holl family thought was funny and got mad at me I did at same time. My famely wasnt good. Still is not good. Full of drugys and alcahalics and only care of there selfs and what new things they can get. Me me me things. SO I still keep to my self. But I should be able to speek to my BS easy after all Ive done. But I feel guilty and pain when I look at her and I shut down and look away. Somtimes easyer to speek not looking. But makes her think I am lying or hiden. So I need to work on eye contact. I seem to have always bin angry and defensive when yung and older. An takes a big part of when me and my BS talk. I need to be more consistant in showing her love and careing and finde how to be less angry and defensive.

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