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Long awaited reason???????

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pizzalover posted 3/23/2013 07:29 AM

My BH and I were discussing my affair last night. It started out okay, but then he started to get really angry as he has been getting. I've been finding myself getting defensive and putting up walls. I know that there has to be a deep seeded reason for my deception and infidelity. He kept asking me over and over again "Why did you do this?" to which I blurted out "Because I enjoyed it!" We went to bed without talking and just woke up. He just said to me "I guess we have found your long awaited reason." I can't accept the fact that that is the reason that I would completely destroy my life and his life and the APBW life. There must be something deeper, right?

SandAway posted 3/23/2013 08:00 AM

Yes, there 'must' be. I am over a year out and I am just starting to understand the path I was on that led to my A. It goes beyond that. It really does.

Look deeper. I always thought I had a great childhood, but that's where a lot of 'traits' begin. Look back throughout your life.

My BH and I got into a heated discussion one night like yours and I blurted out 'Because I could'. Which is true. And perhaps your comment is true. But it really goes beyond that.

Hang in there and keep searching. Be honest with yourself.

floridaredman posted 3/23/2013 08:47 AM

"Because I enjoyed it!"

That could very well be part of the reason you did it, but why did you just blurt that out?

The reason we may continually do something bad is we may get some type of pleasure from it or some form of release.

My question to you is if

I can't accept the fact that that is the reason that I would completely destroy my life and his life and the APBW life

Why would you say something like that?

caspers1wish posted 3/23/2013 09:30 AM

I think you need to look closely at why you have been getting defensive lately and putting up walls. That's not helping and you are letting your emotions rule. I think it's pretty reasonable this close to your DDay that your husband is going to be yelling and upset and asking a lot of hard questions. I guess I'm saying you need to be prepared on not taking it personally, not getting defensive, being calm, taking a step back from the situation if it becomes too heated, but talking when you are both more calm. These are opportunities to improve communication between you two.

UnexpectedSong posted 3/23/2013 10:00 AM

In my personal philosophy, two elements are required to cheat: (1) selfishness and (2) something else. There are lots of selfish people who don't cheat and there are lots of people with (child abuse, family issues, etc,) who don't cheat. Cheaters have both elements.

Enjoyment is another word for selfishness (as is entitlement). So that is good that you recognized that. Now you need to figure the other element. (Which I think you have already.)

pizzalover posted 3/23/2013 10:14 AM

Unexpectedsong, what do you think the other reason is? I haven't figured it out?

Floridaredman, I think I blurted it out because it is a truth of the situation. I did enjoy being with my AP but just enjoyment wouldn't have made me do this for so long.

floridaredman posted 3/23/2013 10:46 AM

Of course enjoyment would make you go so long. If you weren't getting anything from it..you would not have continued.

Boundaries could also be figured into this.
Do you have a hard time saying no?
Are you a people pleaser?

pizzalover posted 3/23/2013 11:33 AM

Boundaries could also be figured into this.
Do you have a hard time saying no?
Are you a people pleaser?

I absolutely have a hard time saying no. For a long time if someone asked me to do something (at work, friends, etc) I would wether of not I had time to or really wanted to.

I also consider myself a people pleaser. I want people to like me and I care about what everyone thinks. I rarely get any internal satisfaction - I look outside of myself for that.

uncertainone posted 3/23/2013 11:36 AM

I've always had a problem with the "people" pleaser title being linked with affairs. I can't think of a less "people pleasing" thing to do.

I get the concept just think if you are that would be a pretty epic fail.


Pizzalover, is it possible you hit two very real targets with your actions? Smacking your husband and being with someone you honestly enjoyed while removing his wife from the picture entirely?

When we're in survival mode we can be pretty laser focused.

He keeps mentioning you're "mental illness". Have you been diagnosed with one?

I can understand why you would be less than thrilled by your marriage environment from both your and your husbands descriptions. Did you ever consider leaving him to legitimately be with someone you could enjoy? Or even alone? There are far worse things than being alone.

You had built a successful life, bought a house, right? That would build confidence.

I know boundaries weren't a strength from the descriptions of what you allowed. Have you considered how you will create those?

That's one of the countless shitty things the choices to cheat rob us of sometimes. Creating these boundaries while also trying to help a spouse heal that may need to be one of the casualties of these boundaries.

Can you see yourself being able to draw lines and let go of outcomes? What does that process look like to you?

floridaredman posted 3/23/2013 12:20 PM

I rarely get any internal satisfaction - I look outside of myself for that.

Outside satisfaction is only temporal to an extent. There are things that can make you "feel" happy and satisfied. But being happy and satisfied within yourself is a total different thing. If you like who you are and can be content with how your life is progressing, this can lead to healthy internal satisfaction.
Not liking who you are or believing the negative criticism you may have encountered can make you feel you have to "work" or do something for others so they accept you.
The main thing is accepting yourself and fixing those things that you are not pleased with within you.

UnexpectedSong posted 3/23/2013 13:34 PM

For a long time if someone asked me to do something (at work, friends, etc) I would wether of not I had time to or really wanted to.

What are you afraid of if you say 'no'? Do you think the other person will stop liking you?

Do you ever ask anything to do anything for you?

OktoberMest posted 3/24/2013 06:24 AM

Because I enjoyed it!"

This is not a why.

Did you enjoy it? I suspect parts of the A we very enjoyable, else you would not have continued it. As FRM said you wouldn't go on with something so long if you received nothing from it.

This question is WHAT did you get from it. How did you feel when you were in the A with the OM?

In my personal philosophy, two elements are required to cheat: (1) selfishness and (2) something else. There are lots of selfish people who don't cheat and there are lots of people with (child abuse, family issues, etc,) who don't cheat. Cheaters have both elements.
Enjoyment is another word for selfishness (as is entitlement). So that is good that you recognized that. Now you need to figure the other element. (Which I think you have already.)

^^^This. I couldn't agree more with US.

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