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want can I do to help on antiverssary

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sicktomy posted 3/23/2013 08:25 AM

I know Tuesday will be horrible for my betrayed spouse. It marks the one year of the most significant betrayal and I will have to leave BS at home alone before the kids wake up and will not be home until they are in bed and maybe past even her bed time. This is unavoidable as every year for work we have a mandatory training and missing it means travelling across the border and being gone 3 days instead of one. To make it worse they fired my boss this week and the management decided to have a district meeting after the training. All day I will be in a room with over 100 people hardly able to use my phone while I know my wife is likely struggling. She's a strong woman and can handle more than most but I wish she didn't have to do this alone. I wish I could help as her hurt is a result of what I did. What I did isn't fair.
1. I'm looking for answers from other Ws and how the one year day was.
2. What can I do to help?
3. Anything I can do before to help her.

inshockandhurt posted 3/23/2013 12:39 PM

I am a BS who has just found out so maybe my advice isn't relevant but you could try planning a special day for her with little surprises all day, flowers delivered, a note in her purse, things hidden for her around the house, so that even though you aren't with her she is getting constant reminders of your love all day.I hope it works out for you.

wtf2 posted 3/23/2013 16:46 PM

Just little thing to remind of your true remorse. Don't try to make an anniversary celebration out of it (massage/fancy restaurant etc. big no-no).

Leave her a note next to her bed before leaving the house. Acknowledging the day and reassure her you're never going away.

Text/call throughout the day. She will trigger. It is really helpful to catch and diffuse the triggers when they are small. Time alone with brain just spinning around makes them grow. Send her little funny and cute cat/baby videos from the Internet to lighten up her day.

This 24 (too) shall pass.


SurprisinglyOkay posted 3/23/2013 19:52 PM

What inshockandhurt said could work!

Can you text or email her here and there, or is that out of the question?

Our experience:

We had two antiversaries really close together, the two days I slept with the OM and dday itself. For the first we went away. My BS thought it would be harder than dday so we went away to a convention of our 12 step fellowship....It turned out to be a FABULOUS weekend!
For the dday date (it was black friday) we were out of town with family, so we left the kidlets with them and went to a day long meeting of our 12 step fellowship.
Honestly we planned and planned for these. We made sure we had something totally different to do, that we would be in safe places if it was just too hard, and that there was someone to watch the kids...just in case it was tough.
What wound up happening is we created two really great memories.
And things that I think will turn into traditions!

What are her plans? Is she working?
Can you have stuff sent to her at work?
Could she plan a day out with a friend who knows whats going on?
If not I think the idea of planting notes in unexpected places could be cool.
Or having dinner delivered for her and the kids.

Irolnyatbest posted 3/24/2013 00:12 AM

Talk beforehand to her. Let her know that you know it is going to be a hard day. Explain that you are not are how much access to your phone you will have but you will do your best to be attentive to it and respond quickly.

With that being said. Don't just respond to her. Ask how she is and let her know you are thinking of her through the day as you can. The small things matter.

I like the idea of leaving her a note to acknowledge the day. I think a BS deserves and needs to be reminded that they are important and a WS understands the betrayal and hurt they have caused.

Flowers would infuriate me on that day, but JMO. My WH failed to acknowledge the gravity of what I was feeling. Instead he fought with me. DON'T DO THAT! Support, empathize, and love her through a terrible day.

Taurusinpain posted 3/24/2013 00:30 AM

BS here, hope you don't mind. For me personally I have requested that FWH write me a letter on Dday antiversary. A real heartfelt and open letter. Its a request I make every year and it really helps. I read them from time to time when I feel like I made the wrong decision to stay and R. Each year the letter is better, more progress is shown and he gets better at expressing himself.

Other than a letter, like others have said with the texts. Keep asking how she is, can u do anything for her from where you are, is there anything she needs from you that day. When you get home if she is asleep, wake her a little and tell her you are sorry and how much you love her.

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