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This is what I need to do. I am madly in love with her but I need to make her fall back in love with me. Having her get her old feelins back isn't good enough.

I'm looking for a laundry list of things I can do and how I can act.

This is what I need to do

Wrong. What you need to do is work on you. Figure out your whys, your coping mechanisms. Figure out what made you take the A route. You need to become a healthy person. Until you do that, you are not a safe person for your wife or yourself.

I need to make her fall back in love with me

You can't "make" her do anything. You can't make her fall back in love with you anymore than she can make your betrayal go away. She has to make the choice to let you back in. And she can't do that unless you are giving her clear, consistent, positive actions and affirmations that you are a safe enough person to do that with.

Having her get her old feelins back isn't good enough.

Ain't gonna happen. Those "old feelings" are gone forever. The innocence of your relationship is gone. Can she learn to love the new you? The you that betrayed her and destroyed a marriage? Maybe. But the love that she may find will not be the same. It's going to be so different. You'll be held at arms length for a long time. The trust may/may not ever come back. The innocence will never come back. It's all gone forever. Old feelings are gone. New feelings will come. But again, that comes with time and consistency.

I'm looking for a laundry list of things I can do and how I can act.

This doesn't sit well with me. It feels too...clinical? Unfeeling? Uncaring?

There is no Easy Button, no one way to "make a BS fall back in love" with us. Each relationship is unique. You have to do the work to find out what works and what doesn't. You have to communicate with your BS and find out what her needs and requirements are.

To say, "You need to buy a dozen red roses for her every week, give her backrubs on Thursday, take her to dinner on Saturday night, go to MC on Sunday, read this book and that book, post on SI, and you're golden." will not cut it. It's going to take more than a perfect "list" to get your wife back. And again, unless you are digging into you, it's never going to happen.

jmho

What Aubrie said. You cannot make her do anything. She decides her actions.

Aubrie is exactly right!!

If my WH would do all these things I'm sure we'd be healing but for right now(6 years past dday) he is still being held at arms length. I don't trust him...probably never will!!

I'd say the biggest thing for me is communications (talking about the A and why it was done..we quit doing that about 2 years ago...now its my problem seems like)

...and NO TRICKLE TRUTH us BS's hate that more than the A itself!! Be real open, HONEST and up front about EVERYTHING regardless of how it hurts you and you pretend to help shelter her but REALLY you are sheltering YOURSELF!!

Good luck...you'll need it!!

Sick

Have you read Hufi-Pufi's article on "Things that every WS needs to know". You can find it under Wayward Side forum...about the 3rd page.

Print that out and STUDY it..the best thing I've read in a long time...hits everything dead on...would be a good start for you...if you could do most of whats in that article...you'd have a good base.

Maybe read it together with your BS and let her tell you what her triggers are...etc...would love it if my WS would do something like that for me...it would feel like he cares and wants to fix what he broke rather than me trying to fix everything myself!!

Aubrie hit the nail on the head.

If you want her to fall in love with you then 1. Get healthy. Work on you and learn to become the best person you can be.

2. Ask you BS what she needs to feel safe. She is your best resource.

3. Think about what you I'd when you were initially courting and dating. Try some of that.

First and foremost though seek out help and assistance to understand why brought you to this place and learn new coping mechanisms.