This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.
This is what I need to do
Wrong. What you need to do is work on you. Figure out your whys, your coping mechanisms. Figure out what made you take the A route. You need to become a healthy person. Until you do that, you are not a safe person for your wife or yourself.
I need to make her fall back in love with me
You can't "make" her do anything. You can't make her fall back in love with you anymore than she can make your betrayal go away. She has to make the choice to let you back in. And she can't do that unless you are giving her clear, consistent, positive actions and affirmations that you are a safe enough person to do that with.
Having her get her old feelins back isn't good enough.
Ain't gonna happen. Those "old feelings" are gone forever. The innocence of your relationship is gone. Can she learn to love the new you? The you that betrayed her and destroyed a marriage? Maybe. But the love that she may find will not be the same. It's going to be so different. You'll be held at arms length for a long time. The trust may/may not ever come back. The innocence will never come back. It's all gone forever. Old feelings are gone. New feelings will come. But again, that comes with time and consistency.
I'm looking for a laundry list of things I can do and how I can act.
This doesn't sit well with me. It feels too...clinical? Unfeeling? Uncaring?
There is no Easy Button, no one way to "make a BS fall back in love" with us. Each relationship is unique. You have to do the work to find out what works and what doesn't. You have to communicate with your BS and find out what her needs and requirements are.
To say, "You need to buy a dozen red roses for her every week, give her backrubs on Thursday, take her to dinner on Saturday night, go to MC on Sunday, read this book and that book, post on SI, and you're golden." will not cut it. It's going to take more than a perfect "list" to get your wife back. And again, unless you are digging into you, it's never going to happen.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne