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Update - Feeling apathetic

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Playedout posted 3/23/2013 19:10 PM

Haven't posted in awhile, mostly because I've been trying to get my proverbial ducks in a row, and feeling sorry for myself too, if I may be honest.

My husband is still lying, like A LOT. Have been using the VAR, actually used two, because the first one was not real reliable. He's lied about working late, where's he's been, who he eats lunch with, in fact the shorter list would be what is he NOT lying about. I still haven't caught him talking with an affair partner though. Granted he is not in his vehicle all day, and there is still the issue of deleted numbers and the woman's phone number hidden on his phone under a mans name, etc, etc. BUT NOT SOLID CONFIRMATION OF AN AFFAIR. There is also the thought that considering my husbands former career, he may be way ahead of me in the keeping his ass covered department. (He used to be a cop.)

I keep reading here that they could be on break, or that possibly they don't talk often. Who knows? I still keep recording. I will say that it has been enlightening to say the least. I've caught him lying to other people on the phone, a mildly flirtatious conversation (on his part) with a coworker, where he was fishing for compliments and she politely rebuffed him. (That was pathetic). I've caught some amusing moments on tape, but definitely nothing endearing or cute.

I've also started IC for myself with a very good therapist. I'm using the tools he's given me to cope, which include not engaging or interrogating my husband for now. You guys had already told me that, but therapist confirmed to just back off. As I don't really have solid proof of anything major, I'll just keep surveillance up until/if I do.

I have also spoken with an attorney, didn't sound so good, but at least now I KNOW. I've taken a good look at my financial situation as well, and again, not looking so good, but I know what I'm going to be dealing with.

My H is definitely threatened by my therapy. At first he was combative, then he professed support. Actually, undying love, devotion, support anything to make "US WORK". He did this during one of our phone conversations while he was in his vehicle at work. As soon as he hung up, the recorder picked him up saying "good, you need to get some help for your psycho ass". Charming, right? Today he want's to know what I told the therapist and has been pouty and pissy.

So yeah, the lying continues, and continues. I'm mystified as to wtf is going on in my marriage and my therapist believes it's fertile ground for infidelity due to the lying and my H's sense of entitlement. There has been a ton of crazy making going on as well, him saying I didn't see things I saw, him denying his actions and words. You name it. Therapist says I need to stay grounded in REALITY, not my husbands "reality".

I'm doing a lot of self reflection and trying to figure out just where the hell I went wrong: Who am I with? How come I didn't see this? What's wrong with me? What else don't I know? Why did this happen? WHY DOES HE LIE SO GODDAMN MUCH?? I'm feeling apathetic, somewhat detached and a little pissed at myself. Foolish. The more I hear him lie, the more I feel like I'm mentally checking out of my marriage.

So, that's where I'm at. Thanks for reading my rambling update, and thanks for all your support. Even if I don't post much at this time, I read here tons and gather knowledge. Thank you for that.

TXwifemom posted 3/23/2013 19:30 PM

You are so strong!

annb posted 3/24/2013 08:30 AM

Hi, playedout, I was wondering how you are doing....

I think you are doing great! You put a plan in place and following through.

I'm doing a lot of self reflection and trying to figure out just where the hell I went wrong

^^^ You did not go wrong, he did. You are a trusting wife, your gut is screaming, and now the VAR recordings are showing you a side of him that is hidden. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, we have all been on the A train and totally blindedsided and shocked at the actions of our spouses.

Does he ever use a home computer? You can install a keylogger on it.

The biggest red flag I see is your WH having a woman's number in his contact list under a man's WH did the same thing, had OW number under a man's name. He is trying to hide something, you just haven't been able to open that door just yet.

Continue to monitor but do not confront until you have solid evidence. He is also acting from Chapter I in the the cheater's handbook....YOU must be crazy. His defensiveness is also a bit concerning.

I'm glad you are in therapy, a good therapist will help you process all of this.

Playedout posted 3/25/2013 11:26 AM

Thanks so much for your kind words of support. He does not use a home computer so, no keylogger. I wish I had access to his work cell phone records. I have a feeling that would bust this whole thing wide open.

callmecrazy posted 3/25/2013 12:48 PM

CELL PHONES ARE THE DEVIL!!! Okay not really, but it seems the work cell phone is a free pass to secretville for WS's! Good luck and stay strong!

TrustGone posted 3/25/2013 13:39 PM

It sounds like you are doing everything you can do at this point in time. I don't know what your deal breakers are, but mine would have been the false empathy for my therapy because of something he caused. How dare him say you are psycho? You are not pscho, he is. It sounds like he is even gas lighting himself at this point.

I have had my WH#2 use me as an excuse in two different situations lately and have called him on it. Nothing A related, but the lying is still an issue for me and I try to make him understand that he is only lying to himself when he does this. I actually think after a while they lie so much that they lie even about trivial things, that they have no reason to lie about.

You do tend to get apathetic after a while. How can you not be, when you are continuely being lied to? That is a normal reaction to the situation. There is nothing wrong with you. He is the problem. ((HUGS))

Playedout posted 3/26/2013 15:50 PM

Thanks guys! And TrustGone, you hit the nail on the head. Affair or not, lying is a huge issue. What I'm struggling with now and working through in therapy is the fact that I don't think he just started lying. I think I just started noticing. He lies about what he ate for lunch sometimes. I'm not a harping, smothering wife, but I've definitely become more suspicious due to his lying and activities. I doubt myself a lot now because I don't know how I'm just now seeing this. He's very threatened by my therapy, and needless to say, it's causing a lot of tension at home.

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