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Hopeful27 posted 3/24/2013 10:17 AM

I just found out a week ago that my fiance of one year (been together 10 years) cheated on me for 4 months and got the girl pregnant.

In November of last year I went to Maryland to visit my sister and my nephew who is a year old. He was very upset that I left him, and apparently felt that we were essentially over. When I came back we discussed things and decided that we would work to make it better (not knowing that he had just cheated on me for the whole week I was away).

Things were better, we celebrated our anniversary, Valentine's Day, and my birthday and I was happy and in love, like I always have been.

There were a few signs that I was forced to ignore, like him putting a lock on his phone, changing his Verizon password so I could not see who he was texting etc, but I asked him if he was cheating and he said no (I should have trusted my intuition!)

So, last Sunday I got a text from his coworker saying that if he(my fiance) had not opened up to me, then they were. I essentially called them and they told me while I was on speaker phone in front of him. I freaked out and obviously was and still am upset.

His reasoning is because he was going through a lot of stress from work, thought I wasn't there for him, she was there to "listen", he thought that he "loved her" and that out relationship was ending. He said that the last time they were together, in January they had sex and the condom broke, and he realized then that he had made a huge mistake.

I decided to stay, it was not really a thought in my mind to leave, I could not just through away 10 years of my life with someone. I want to make it work, but I am not sure how to deal with all the emotions.

It would be easier to accept if he could just say ok I will never talk to her or see her again, but that is impossible since she is pregnant with his child and is keeping it. I found out that he has not told her that we are still together, and is basically not telling her that they are not going to be together, because he is afraid that she will freak out and take him to court for custody, child support etc.

This is obviously hard to handle because I still feel like I am being betrayed.

Has anyone ever gone through a similar situation, I have not been able to tell anyone, and I do not know how to deal with this.

Mandilwen posted 3/24/2013 10:33 AM

Sorry you had to find yourself here, but you will gets lots of support and advise on these forums. An OC (other child) situation can be very difficult to navigate, but it can be done. I was in a similar situation, which ended in divorce. Not because there was an OC, but because I knew my ex husband could not be honest and fully deal with the situation as a team.
I think it is very important that all things regarding the OC be done through the courts. If it is his child, he will have to pay child support and deal with custody/visitation. The alternative is to bury your heads in the sand and ignore it. But she has the law on her side. She can come back anytime in the future and he will be on the hook for child support. Better to face the head on and as a team.
I understand that if it is his (make sure there is a paternity test done ASAP) then they may need to co-parent. This doesn't mean you cannot be involved as well. In the I Can Relate forum, there is a thread for betrayed spouses/significant others that deal with this exact situation. There are a few different ways things can be handled.

I know this is a hard time, but it can and does get better. Each new "step" will seem unbearable at first, but you will get used to your new "normal" and get through it. Also, make sure to take care of yourself and treat yourself well. This is an emotional traumatic injury, so don't try to rush things and allow yourself to process your feelings and work through them. Keep posting here and one day you will see the healing that you have done!

gonnabe2016 posted 3/24/2013 10:37 AM

You ARE still being betrayed by your WF.

He needs to put on his big-boy pants and deal with this like an adult. I can see this situation getting very ugly, very quickly if he continues to handle it in the manner that he is. He has made a super-huge mess of things and he needs to get it cleaned up ASAP.

I have a feeling that he is *shining* you on about this OW. Right now, you need to realize that you and your WF are NOT a *team*. He is looking out for himself, and himself only, and YOU are just along for the ride.

He needs to be held accountable and not allowed to play *victim*. I don't believe what he is telling you and I think that he is making excuses in order to continue to string you both along. In effect, he's treating you like a friend, NOT a fiancee.

At the least, there need to be clear-cut rules laid out in regards to any contact that he is going to have with OW and the OC. Complete transparency.....and THAT begins with him being honest with everyone involved. He needs to stop playing with OW's head and allowing her to think that he is a *free agent*.

This guy is a coward of epic proportions.

There are many others here that have dealt with OC situations. You can find them easily down in the I Can Relate Forum. There is a thread for those dealing with OC's.


Jrazz posted 3/24/2013 10:47 AM

Welcome to SI, Hopeful27.

10 years is definitely a long time to share your life with someone. It is certainly nothing to sniff at. That being said, you may discover that many of the voices of experience here may urge you to step back from the relationship and think about how much more of your life you want to dedicate to coping with the fallout from this betrayal. Many stay because they took vows, or have children, or are financially tied to their Wayward Spouse. Of course the bonds of love tie you here, but there are probably scant logistical bonds.

I'm not saying give up - there is definitely hope that he will come out of his fog and become appropriately remorseful and dedicated to you. The thing is, even the most expedited recoveries here are still frought with years and years of trust that needs to be rebuilt, and it's a lot for even strong hearts to undertake.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's no clear cut answer here, but the choice is always yours. Let go of anyone's expectations outside of your own, and dig deep for what you really want from this life.

In the beginning we all just wanted the A to not be real - to be able to go back to the life where there wasn't this chasm. Like you said, though, "There were a few signs I was forced to ignore..." which means that you knew something was wrong and didn't want to face it. I did that too. I knew almost every day that something was horribly wrong with my relationship but I didn't want to face it because that meant the end of the pretend-everything's-fine bubble I had wrapped around my dysfunctional relationship.

Take time - as much as you need, to find yourself and your needs in all of this. It's ok if you want to stay and work on things, but HE has to be championing the effort, PERIOD. It's also ok to say that you want your own family unfettered by the after effects of betrayal in their various physical and emotional forms.

You're not alone - we're here to help you through this.


[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:48 AM, March 24th (Sunday)]

k94ever posted 3/24/2013 11:02 AM

Dear Hope,

Welcome to the club you never thought you would be joining. It's a horrible place to be but the best place for YOU to be right now.

First are not married but have been in a long term relationship with your WF (wayward fiance). Do you have joined finances or own a home together? You don't have children together, correct?

Hope....other posters have told you they think he is still in the affair. I tend to lean towards that camp. My reasoning is that he is protecting HER instead of protecting you.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life with someone who will put you second or third in his priority chart?

You were together for 9 years, engaged for one more and during that engagement period he cheated on you for 4 months out of twelve. And now there is a child from a (cough, cough) "broken" condom. REEEALLY????

Can you trust him? Are these the actions of a person who has YOUR best interests at heart? Do you think he is doing his best to protect YOUR heart? Is this how he shows you he respects you? Is this how he shows you how much he values you? Does his actions show he is a person of integrity? Are these the actions of a man with dignity?

They probably NEVER used a condom (BTW...just about every single WS told their BS's they "used protection". 99.9% didn't. They tell us that to deflect guilt from themselves).

YOU need to get tested for STDs. You don't know who the OW's had sex with in the past. Stop having sex with your WF until all the STD tests are done. Why run the risk of re-infecting yourself?

Re-evaluate this relationship. He's protecting her. He doesn't respect you.

Read in our Healing Library. There is wonderful advise there to help you. Keep posting here. We've been where you are.

Again...welcome to the club.



Chrysalis123 posted 3/24/2013 11:08 AM


I am glad you found us. There is so much wisdom here.

Post as much as you wish, as you have a long hard road in front of you.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Hopeful27 posted 3/24/2013 11:26 AM

I appreciate all of the comments, and believe me all of those points are valid.

He has been very open with me about the whole thing and has been just as distraught.

By the way, I forgot to mention that his plan was to not tell me about it so that he did not lose me...LOL I suggested that we go to couples counseling, as I think that there are issues that he needs to deal with, and get a reality check!

The thing that hurts me the most was that we had been discussing having a child together, were not preventing having a child, and last month my period was two weeks late and I thought I may be pregnant (turns out not). I feel like he gave what I wanted to someone else.

I can accept and try to forgive what he has done, but I cannot accept that he is not being honest with the OW and telling her that we are together. He has told her that he will be there for her to support her, and I know that she thinks that they are going to be together.

He has told me that he does not want to be with her, but I can't help but think that once the baby comes his feelings might change, and I do NOT want to be strung along for the duration of the pregnancy only to be kicked to the curb.

Jrazz posted 3/24/2013 11:31 AM

Please do a hard comparison between what he's telling you and what he's doing. You need to listen to his actions, not his words.

allusions posted 3/24/2013 11:40 AM

Hi Hopeful,

I was just reading an article from the National Institutes of Health regarding research into condom breakage. Here is an excerpt:

"In an effort to define condom performance in a group of monogamous couples typical of those using condoms for contraception, we conducted a clinical trial of a single brand of lubricated condoms (Durex Ramses). A total of 4637 attempts to use the condom were evaluated. Six breaks occurred before intercourse (nonclinical breaks), and 10 condoms broke during intercourse or were only noted to have broken upon withdrawal (clinical breaks), resulting in a nonclinical breakage rate of 0.13% (95% confidence interval, 0.05-0.28%), clinical breakage rate of 0.28% (0.15-0.48%), and a total breakage rate of 0.41% (0.25-0.64%)."

His condom breaking resulted in her getting pregnant? They did nothing for emergency contraception (Plan B, “morning after”, etc.)?

I really doubt you are getting the whole truth about this infidelity and betrayal.

Chrysalis123 posted 3/24/2013 11:46 AM

Oops...double post

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 11:49 AM, March 24th (Sunday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 3/24/2013 11:48 AM

I cannot accept that he is not being honest with the OW and telling her that we are together

Sweet Lady, he is not being honest with anyone in this situation, including himself.

It is OK for you to call a time out (2 -4 weeks or more) you know. This doesn't mean you won't marry him one day.

It means you are giving yourself a gift, and are taking some time to digest all of this. Perhaps go to an IC yourself, to help you digest and work through your options.

While you are in your time out, you watch his actions. His actions will tell you everything you need to know to make a sound decision.

gonnabe2016 posted 3/24/2013 11:51 AM

I can accept and try to forgive what he has done

Be very cautious about *going there* right now. It is still very early in the game and you can't *accept* nor *forgive* that which you don't know of. And as it stands right now, I believe that what you *don't* know outweighs what you *do* know.

First off....throw giving him the benefit of the doubt right out the window. You're not *partners* right now, remember? In a partnership, BOTH partners are looking out for the best interests of the other...aka not causing intentional harm. Your WF is looking out for himself ONLY right now and he has even told you as much. He flat-out admitted to you that he wasn't going to tell you that OW was knocked up because he didn't want to *lose* you. Have you taken a moment to actually think of what that implies? It is the epitome of self-centeredness and shows a COMPLETE lack of concern for you. This guy is allowing you to make decisions about YOUR life without giving you honest information.

To be honest, I believe that the affair began before you went on your trip in November. It may not have been *physical* yet, although I think it probably was, but he was definitely already involved with her at the time. What were the circumstances of your trip? Was it pre-planned or did you go there on the spur of the moment as a result of relationship an argument or something?

You need the truth. If you are willing to give this guy a chance to remain in your life, then he needs to be honest with you about what he's been up to. Unfortunately, you are not going to be able to trust him to *tell* you and it would probably be a good idea to start doing some investigating on your own.

What a mess he's made. *sigh*

I think that the first order of business on the agenda is for him to stop stringing you both along. If he wants to remain with you, and you will have him, then he needs to plant himself squarely on the bench next to you and tell OW the truth. NOW.

Chrysalis123 posted 3/24/2013 12:48 PM

Please read, and reread what Gonna just wrote. She is a really wise member that has been through a lot.

Hopeful27 posted 3/24/2013 12:50 PM

I have told him that it is not fair to me that he allows her to think that they are together, or that he is not telling her that they are not. He says that he does not want to tell her that we are together because he does not want to hurt her while she is pregnant. I explained that she will be hurt way more if she goes throughout this pregnancy thinking that they will be together, and that she will eventually figure it out when he is not with her. I think he is the one that really needs this forum because he is in way over his head with denial and acceptance.

By the way, I went with my parents to visit my sister and nephew for Thanksgiving, that is why I left. He was always upset and jealous when I went to Maryland because he was stuck at work, and I "left him alone", but I always asked him to go and made it very clear that I was going because I wanted to be apart of my nephew's life, and that my family means a lot to me.

I was supposed to go to Maryland this next weekend for four days to visit them for Easter, and I do not think that I can go, (he assures me that I should go, and that in November he was just in a bad mental place) but I do not know how to explain to my family why I am not going. On the other hand, I think that maybe it would be good for me to get away and evaluate things, and to evaluate his actions.

I really appreciate all of your responses!

Chrysalis123 posted 3/24/2013 13:15 PM

He says that he does not want to tell her that we are together because he does not want to hurt her while she is pregnant

What??? Why is it OK for him to treat you like this? If this is how it is BEFORE you marry, it will only get worse after you marry. This man is showing you, his supposed beloved, NO respect, dignity, nor honor.

For me, the above statement would be a deal beaker. Game Over

As for your family, share with them what happened.

If you were in a bad accident and suffered critical physical injuries, you would tell them right?

Well, you were just in a huge emotional trainwreck, and suffered gigantic, horrific injuries.

Please allow them to support you through this.

gonnabe2016 posted 3/24/2013 14:44 PM

So your attendance at a scheduled holiday family gathering in which he was invited to attend but couldn't = your relationship is over?

So are you going to have to spend the rest of your life glued to his side and only having a *life* if he gives you permission? Apparently you are okay with that since you are thinking of cancelling your Easter trip even though you've said that spending time with your family is important to you.

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of servitude. You are involved with a cowardly, weak man who is going to *punish* you whenever you go against his wishes....regardless of what YOUR desires or needs are.

Where are YOU in this whole mess? The 2 of you sure do seem to spend a lot of time talking about OW and how unfair he's being to OW and how he's hurting OW.....but what about how unfair he's being to YOU and how badly he's betrayed and hurt YOU????

How did he meet this OW, anyway? How do you know that the last time that he had sex with her was in January?

You may as well go ahead and tell your family about what is going on because they're going to find out eventually anyway since the OC isn't going to be invisible.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and I realize that it takes a while for your *new* reality to sink in since what is *real* is so unlike what you *thought* you had.

And I'm not sure if anyone has suggested it yet or not, but you need to make an appt with your doc for STD testing. No sex with LoverBoy until you get the all clear.

dameia posted 3/24/2013 14:58 PM

Please re-read what everyone has written so far because they are giving you excellent advice.

If he doesn't want to tell her that you two are still together then he is still involved with her. It is cruel to let her think they are going to be one big happy family, not to mention how cruel it is to YOU.

And if he's worried about being dragged to court for child support...well that's going to happen eventually whether he likes it or not. Itis a consequence of his actions. I seriously doubt the condom broke, although it is in the realm of possibility. Most likely they didn't use protection and he just doesn't want to admit it. It is something we here on SI are very familiar with. It's called TT (trickle truth).

I think it would be good for you to see your family over Easter. It will give you some room to breath and assess your options.

sadtoo posted 3/24/2013 15:55 PM

Dear Sweet Girl,
You have a heart of gold and mine aches for you as I know so well the path you walk.

Please do not forgive quickly. He needs to EARN it.

sadtoo posted 3/24/2013 16:08 PM

I think he is the one that really needs this forum because he is in way over his head with denial and acceptance.

NO! NO! NO!!!!

That would be a HUGE mistake at this stage. This needs to be YOUR safe place.

And I do NOT believe for one minute that he is in denial. (trying to be gentle here) I think he knows exactly what he is doing. And that is making a nest with her while he keeps you on ice.

Sweety, you may be the one in denial. And it's totally understandable. Your whole world has been turned upside down. It's really hard to wrap your head around this, especially when you discover someone you love has been living a double life and deceiving you so horribly.

Ashland13 posted 3/24/2013 16:47 PM

Hi H27,

I am going through something similar now, except that it's me who got pregnant during false reconcilliation.

I am suspicious WH and OW may have a child, but have put it on hold while I push through my life falling apart. He said some strange things last year, that "her sister" had a baby, so I turn beat red when I think of that part. He swore to me during false rec. that "our daughter is my only child", but I think over the course of divorce, it will come out. So much too emotionally difficult to heat that some I've put aside. It may be stupid, but so be it.

Anyway, yes, like the others say, I sense some red flags and feel that your WH is defending his OW as mine does. Mine just yells at me now on the texting if I ask something or make a complaint and trashes myself and our marriage.

So many things to list I could write a novel.

It's my idea that your WH could have been mad and spiteful that you went and acted this way. Mine held resentments he never told me and told OW instead and feels gratified that he got it out, but it should be a counselor. Then the PA happened and he did not stop it.

Yes, I agree with the post that is talking about child support and stuff, I think your WH is stringing you along and possibly making a plan.

Another post here talks about WH not being your friend any longer and that's taken me forever to realize, but it's really true. If you can figure out how to not tell anything about yourself to him right now, it would be beneficial.

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