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So this is my first post after lurking on here for weeks. I just need a tiny ray of sunshine in this dark dark place I have crated. All I want is for her to tell me she wants to try to work it out. She won't give me that, and I obviously can't push her on it. I recognize I have competely destroyed her and our marriage bc of my actions. And the guilt I feel for what I've done to her is unbearable. She is a strong and prideful woman. I know she loves me completely, but she struggles with being able to look in the mirror at herslef is she takes me back. She just says "I trust myself to know what I need to do. That may be tomorrow, or that may be in a month." we have had some promising moments where it looked good, but lately it has turned ice cold. Im trying to be there for her but she says she doesnt need anything from me. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this, but maybe someone that has been here can offer something...

Welcome here. I am glad you have decided to post.

What are you doing about yourself?

What she decides is up to her. You cannot control her. You can be perfect from now on, but your actions were a deal breaker.

I've been in IC for 2 weeks now. Only 1 time per week. (I wish I could go every day though). Therapist has me reading the book "feeling good". I have been on Lexapro for more than 5 years but have NEVER taken it regularly. I would skip it for days and sometimes weeks bc I guess I just never wanted to admit I couldnt pull myself out of my depression. SO now I've been taking it religously.
It's hard to know what to do right now bc I'm in desperate save marriage mode and trying hard to go through all the questions and trying so hard to be honest with her.

You're prob not a doctor, but any other ideas on how I work on me? I basically know I need to become the man I should have been over the last several years. I just got lost in a fog I guess. I harldy know wherer to start

I harldy know wherer to start

Well, you can start by telling us what the circumstances were around your affair. Why did you feel you deserved to do something that you knew was wrong? What was going on in your life at that time? Have you cheated before?

You need to lay out all the data - if not to us, to someone or just write it out for yourself. Every relationship. Who ended it. What are your patterns?

Once you have the pattern, you can hypothesize and then refine and repeat. Is it narcissism? Just "normal" selfishness? Etc.