"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

She-Ra posted 3/25/2013 11:46 AM

I used to be good at handling triggers.. Or I thought I was because I would help address them when they happened. Reassure him, apologize, hug, talk through them.. Now I'm wishing they would disappear when they pop up out of nowhere.

On Saturday morning, we were eating breakfast and watching some tv. I pop on a season premiere of a reality show that I had taped from during the week. I told my BH that there was a guy from my hometown on the show. I didn't know him myself but some of my friends do.

BH gets on the defense about me talking about other guys. He says to me, oh did you fuck this guy? I said no I don't even know him. He says in a sarcastic tone, was this an Ashley Madison target of yours? I let out a big sigh and say no I told you, I don't even know the guy. My brother might, listed a few friends that do.. then I threw in, when are you going to stop bugging me about Ashley Madison? I think my BH took a moment to realize that he was a little snarky with me. He quietly says... I don't know.

Then we leave it at that. I've been feeling horrible since then because I know darn well that I should be talking about the trigger. It was wrong of me to even ask him when he was going to stop. I might as well be telling him to get over it. How dare I!!!??!! I'm fucking lucky he is still around.

It is not his fault that he gets mind movies about me going on Ashley Madison.. Talking to guys.. Meeting up with a few and having several PAs. It was disgusting for me to do it. My own mind movies are bad enough, I'm sure he gets them worse because he can only picture faceless guys and me degrading myself with them. Makes me feel so very sad to think about what I've done and how I can't erase it.

During the week, I go for dinner with a few girl friends. We have a great night and there was a table next to us with an older group of men and women.. I figure they are late 50's/early 60s. One of the men notices that I'm pregnant and excitedly tells me that he is a new grandpa. I tell him congrats and talk to him and his wife for a minute or 2. Later on, the server brings my table our bills. The new grandpa grabs my bill and says he's going to pay it. My friends are all like, oh wow that is so nice of him yada yada yada. I graciously thank him as what can I do? Grab the bill back and tell him I can pay it myself? Yeah the new grandpa had a few drinks in him and everyone at his table think it's a great idea to pay my bill too.

I thank him again and leave with my friends.

later I tell my BH the story of the new grandpa paying my bill. He gets his back up and says no guy should ever pay your bill, EVER! I'm the only guy that should. I tried to remind him that it was an excited grandpa and I couldn't really just stop him. He's like well ok, I'll let it slide since it's a grandpa and all but remember, no guy should ever touch your bar bill...

He is right but how in the world do you stop something like that without it creating an issue or awkwardness with people. Maybe it was just me thinking it was a kind gesture and avoiding conflict although I did feel uncomfortable. It's not like it was a big bill, it was $19 as there is no liquor on it but still.. It reminds me that my BH gets upset about the thought of any guy, young or old talking to me, taking care of something that he could do..

Anyways.. just wanted to get this off my chest. Maybe I need a 2x4 or a few..

tired girl posted 3/25/2013 14:42 PM

It sounds like you are being defensive all of the sudden when you have been pretty good about handling triggers.

Is there something you are upset about it concerning him?

She-Ra posted 3/25/2013 15:16 PM

Its hard to pinpoint why I'm defensive now. The only thing I can think of is due to the variety of things going on in life.. From the pregnancy, work and financial stress, house changes and getting use to the new normal and then being reminded that I'm still in the first year after d-day. My BH is not someone who triggers much (out loud) so I'm caught off guard when he does.

Is there something you are upset about it concerning him?

Maybe I'm more upset about him thinking that I'm still capable of cheating again.

I think I need to go back to talk to him about that Saturday trigger. Talk to him about what makes Ashley madison pop up in his head. I wish I just knew how to ease his mind so he feels comfortable again.

I know exactly what needs to happen over time to help him trust me. Consistency in my actions, transparency.. Being loving, honest and working hard to help him. All that takes time and patience. Sometimes I wonder if my pregnancy put a stall in that healing because he knows that my true self won't be reflective until after the baby is born. When real life begins again.. Lots to think about.

just friends? posted 3/25/2013 15:35 PM

Hugs...stay strong!

tired girl posted 3/25/2013 16:50 PM

Well a couple of things you raised here. Did the pregnancy put a stall on things for now? Probably. There is so much focus there for the both of you that other things get shifted to the back burner. However, if you two talk about this and realize that this is what is going on, you two can stay on top of it.

The other is the whole I really want him to know I am changed. I think I am different in this regard. From the word go I accepted that my H may never trust me again and I made peace with that. I was willing to accept that as part of the deal. That and he gets a lifetime pass out of our M due to my actions. For me it is long range thinking that this shit is hard. It is going to take a long time for him to see that things are different. It's ok. I think everything you have going on right now is probably what is eating into the empathy that you normally have. Talk to him about that and maybe he can understand that patience on his end will be required for a bit.

I am sure it will get worked out.

Neithan posted 3/25/2013 17:27 PM

Maybe I'm more upset about him thinking that I'm still capable of cheating again.

Is it reasonable of you to expect him to think you're no longer capable of cheating?

I'm over 3 years out, and I believe my wife is presently capable of cheating, and will continue to be capable of it for the rest of her life.

My hope is that she will choose to do otherwise.

Long Gone posted 3/25/2013 18:43 PM

You are 6 months out from multiple betrayals....
It has taken 2+ yrs for me to feel safe again.....

KBeguile posted 3/25/2013 20:42 PM

I think I need to go back to talk to him about that Saturday trigger. Talk to him about what makes Ashley madison pop up in his head. I wish I just knew how to ease his mind so he feels comfortable again.

I concur completely with this sentiment. If you don't allow for free communication in all aspects and at all times, you start down a dark road again.

If he's capable of bringing up the past to express his fears and disquiet, then you should be just as free to work to the source of those fears and confront them. Yes, it will take multiple battles over the next couple of years, and even then it may not work exactly as either of you has planned, but if you keep those lines of communication open both ways, then you will not only have some of the explanation you seek, but you will also have a healthier, more honest, and more self-sustaining relationship.

I know, because I already value my ability to talk with Heart about absolutely anything on my mind. It is absolutely one of the best things to come as a result of the R process.