I used to be good at handling triggers.. Or I thought I was because I would help address them when they happened. Reassure him, apologize, hug, talk through them.. Now I'm wishing they would disappear when they pop up out of nowhere.
On Saturday morning, we were eating breakfast and watching some tv. I pop on a season premiere of a reality show that I had taped from during the week. I told my BH that there was a guy from my hometown on the show. I didn't know him myself but some of my friends do.
BH gets on the defense about me talking about other guys. He says to me, oh did you fuck this guy? I said no I don't even know him. He says in a sarcastic tone, was this an Ashley Madison target of yours? I let out a big sigh and say no I told you, I don't even know the guy. My brother might, listed a few friends that do.. then I threw in, when are you going to stop bugging me about Ashley Madison? I think my BH took a moment to realize that he was a little snarky with me. He quietly says... I don't know.
Then we leave it at that. I've been feeling horrible since then because I know darn well that I should be talking about the trigger. It was wrong of me to even ask him when he was going to stop. I might as well be telling him to get over it. How dare I!!!??!! I'm fucking lucky he is still around.
It is not his fault that he gets mind movies about me going on Ashley Madison.. Talking to guys.. Meeting up with a few and having several PAs. It was disgusting for me to do it. My own mind movies are bad enough, I'm sure he gets them worse because he can only picture faceless guys and me degrading myself with them. Makes me feel so very sad to think about what I've done and how I can't erase it.
During the week, I go for dinner with a few girl friends. We have a great night and there was a table next to us with an older group of men and women.. I figure they are late 50's/early 60s. One of the men notices that I'm pregnant and excitedly tells me that he is a new grandpa. I tell him congrats and talk to him and his wife for a minute or 2. Later on, the server brings my table our bills. The new grandpa grabs my bill and says he's going to pay it. My friends are all like, oh wow that is so nice of him yada yada yada. I graciously thank him as what can I do? Grab the bill back and tell him I can pay it myself? Yeah the new grandpa had a few drinks in him and everyone at his table think it's a great idea to pay my bill too.
I thank him again and leave with my friends.
later I tell my BH the story of the new grandpa paying my bill. He gets his back up and says no guy should ever pay your bill, EVER! I'm the only guy that should. I tried to remind him that it was an excited grandpa and I couldn't really just stop him. He's like well ok, I'll let it slide since it's a grandpa and all but remember, no guy should ever touch your bar bill...
He is right but how in the world do you stop something like that without it creating an issue or awkwardness with people. Maybe it was just me thinking it was a kind gesture and avoiding conflict although I did feel uncomfortable. It's not like it was a big bill, it was $19 as there is no liquor on it but still.. It reminds me that my BH gets upset about the thought of any guy, young or old talking to me, taking care of something that he could do..
Anyways.. just wanted to get this off my chest. Maybe I need a 2x4 or a few..