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Yakamishi posted 3/25/2013 20:17 PM

We're at 6 months. My ww has seemingly told me everything, but i have lingering doubts. I suggested a.polygraph but she flatly refused. Saying it's belittling, disrespectful etc.
(like what she did wasn't)
All her refusal does is fuel my doubts. It seems we're at an impass. Very frustrated and angry.

confused615 posted 3/25/2013 20:36 PM

I wanted WH to take a poly for 2 years..he refused..called them unreliable,said he wasn't going to risk his marriage on an untrustworthy machine(Oh the irony).

Then,2.5 years into R he TT's me..there was another PA/AP a few months prior to the one I found out about on dday1.

Now he says he'll take the poly.

IMO,if they refuse it's because they're hiding something. Otherwise,why not jump at the chance to prove *this* is all there is to know?

HeartInADustpan posted 3/25/2013 20:38 PM

IMO,if they refuse it's because they're hiding something. Otherwise,why not jump at the chance to prove *this* is all there is to know?

Agree completely.

catlover50 posted 3/25/2013 20:40 PM

My fWH agreed to take a polygraph because he was willing to do anything to help me heal. Plus it turned out that he was (finally) telling the truth.

He found it humiliating, but oh well. It was very private. It took 24 hours for the result.

We have both been very glad he had the test; me because it helped me begin to look forward and him because he was falsely accused at work.

I would be suspicious. Sorry.

KBeguile posted 3/25/2013 20:45 PM

IMO,if they refuse it's because they're hiding something. Otherwise,why not jump at the chance to prove *this* is all there is to know?

I agree with this, also.

jimbo25319 posted 3/25/2013 21:31 PM

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If she was 100% into R, she would do whatever it takes to help ease your fears.

I think you probably don't have the full story.

OptimisticWife posted 3/26/2013 03:45 AM

My WH has flatly refused to take a poly too. He has said in the past that if our marriage comes down to the humiliation of a polygraph test then what's the point.
Obviously the humiliation I suffered because of his affair means nothing.
I told him I believed my request is justified and fair.
Unfortunately our psychologist sided with my WH and he felt justified in his denial.
The psychologist said that my WH would most likely beat the test regardless if he took it because he's learnt to switch his emotions off from a childhood full of abuse.
I feel there's still more he's hiding and I would still love him to take the test.
I feel he should do it simply because I told him I need it. It's a dead topic in his mind though. It adds more doubt in my mind. I dont feel that I have the complete truth.

Good luck.

catlover50 posted 3/26/2013 11:11 AM

Hi optimisticwife.

If you get the right person I feel that the polygraph is quite accurate. Ours asked all kinds of questions to establish a baseline, etc and talked about reliability. There is a range of responses and grey areas and in his opinion it is hard for someone to "fake" an answer up to complete truthfulness. I think that this argument is bogus. And what would the psychologist know anyway?

I would have a hard time accepting it if my fWH refused.

authenticnow posted 3/26/2013 13:47 PM

If a WS is unwilling to take a poly it's probably because there's still more to hide.

I took one, it wasn't THAT humiliating. Nothing compared to how a BS feels after finding out they've been cheated on, I'm thinking.

And, the only time I agreed to it was when I had finally told everything. Before that, when I still had things to hide, I gave the same reasons your WW did.

WishingForLethe posted 3/26/2013 13:52 PM

We have family members in law enforcement and they all routinely say they are not reliable and they (the officer) would never submit to one. Therefore, my BH never thought they would be valuable.

However, if he had asked me to take one I would not have hesitated. Whether the results were accurate or not, I would be doing everything I could do to help him heal.

I think you might remind your WS it is not really about him anymore.

confused615 posted 3/26/2013 14:09 PM

IIRC,an SI member who is either in law enforcement or maybe even administers the tests themselves, has posted before that the reason polygraphs aren't admissible in court,is because a sociopath can pass a poly with no problem. That a person who has lied so much that they've convinced themselves, can pass one.

Fightingmad posted 3/26/2013 14:54 PM

My husband has passed a poly for a job where I know he was less than truthful so to me they're not accurate. Plus, if I was that worried he wasn't being truthful I'd be out of here any way. Just my opinion

authenticnow posted 3/26/2013 15:00 PM

I think more the point is that if a WS is unwilling to take one, there's probably more to it.

I know that once I was fully 100% remorseful and truthful I would have agreed to anything to prove it to my BS.

Yakamashi's WW's reaction says a lot.

7yrsflushed posted 3/26/2013 15:26 PM

IMO,if they refuse it's because they're hiding something. Otherwise,why not jump at the chance to prove *this* is all there is to know?

*Raises hand and cosigns this along with others* Big red flag. How is she doing with the other boundaries and things you asked of her for R?

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:27 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

OptimisticWife posted 3/26/2013 15:36 PM

I agree with the Authenticnow.

I wanted my WH to at least be willing to take the test. If he had of said yes without hesitation, I may have been ok to leave it at that. The flat out denial, anger at my request and acting insulted is what concerned me. This is what makes me believe he's hiding more. I have to figure out if I can live with that of not. At the moment I'm not doing so well.

Catlover, Our psychologist use to work for law inforcement. She's done a lot of work around polygraphs and determining if suspects are being truthful and whether offenders are likely to reoffend.

Yakamishi, the doubt remains. I have days when I can convince myself that I'm either better off not knowing or that the past no longer matters but it comes back at me out of the blue and knocks me down.
I hope you have better luck than me convincing your WW to take the test.
Good luck.

nofool4u posted 6/12/2013 12:20 PM

I suggested a.polygraph but she flatly refused. Saying it's belittling, disrespectful etc.

Bull. She is afraid of failing the test or embarrassed.

Belittling and disrespectful? Tell her, "try being on the crap end of the cheating stick"

IMO, looks like she doesn't want to do what it takes to right her wrong, and her not answering your questions truthfully is denying you the minimum of what she should be doing if she wants to keep this marriage.

Its up to you, but I'd seriously consider divorcing such a woman.
I'd let her know if she isn't willing to suffer your simple and reasonable requests, then she doesn't want the marriage that bad.

bewildered22 posted 6/12/2013 13:01 PM

I would agree...you do not know all of the story. A few points..if BS agrees be sure to go through with it. Don't think because they agree they are telling the truth. Another..be sure that you want to know everything!! MY WS was willing to take the test. He revealed more TT before the poly so I honestly thought I had all the information. Sitting in the room..hearing all the things I didn't know ..things that weren't even on my radar ..was the worst thing I have every experienced.Who is this person??? I question sometimes if he would have have just admitted PA (said only EA) with the OW that I discovered if I would have even thought to asked for the poly..in the end it revealed PA and 2 other ONS - Once I had the poly in my mind...I pushed for it because it was the only way i could think to move towards recovery. I believe it will be like that for you - always lingering doubt. I hope she agrees..and she passes for your sake; however, if she doesn't at least you have what you need to make decisions.

sodamnlost posted 6/12/2013 21:12 PM

Sadly just agreeing to one means nothing. My WH said he would take one not long after Dday, when he was actively still lying to me ;(

sportsfan posted 6/12/2013 21:19 PM

Yaka-dude ... set it up and drive here there without telling her where you're going until you park your car in the poly lot. Tell her then, only then. I've read enough stories here to know that she'll probably fess up in the parking lot.

sri624 posted 6/12/2013 22:02 PM

my husband said the same thing about his "privacy" when i told him i wanted his phone records...not the phone but the actual phone records. he had every excuse in the world why he didnt feel that was right. in the end....i got those records and it clearly showed i was in false r...he was still cheating.

i didnt ask for a poly...because after what i found...it was enough...but if he had refused, then i would know he was full of shit..again.

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