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pregnancy during reconciliation

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catwrangler posted 3/25/2013 20:51 PM

Any stories to share about getting pregnant with your spouse during R, and how it helped or hindered it?

Many thanks.

catwrangler posted 3/25/2013 20:59 PM

The rollercoaster ride continues.

ms521 posted 3/25/2013 22:24 PM

I got pregnant during what turned out to be false R... Looking back, I might say it "helped" in the longer run. In the short term, I will say Dday #2 was that much more traumatic because I was pregnant and had deluded myself into thinking we were moving forward. That said, something in me became very rational through all the hormones, and I gave myself a baby-timeline (if WH was still in any sort of fog with OW by the time baby was x-months, I would leave). I suppose it gave me a reason to stay when I wanted a reason to stay. By the time we hit that mark, WH and I were in a very different/ much happier place.

I *will* say I didn't ignore the question of whether or not I could be a single mom. I think it's something any BW has to face and own. A baby is a lot of work and a solid test for ANY marriage!! If you discover false R or broken NC or anything down the road, will there be resentment for the pregnancy or happiness that you have someone else to think about? (For me, I knew I wanted a second kid and figured even if my M didn't work, at least my kids would have the same dad... Warped, I know, but that's where I was back then.) even now, with Dday #3 last month, I have zero regrets on the baby thing. My kids give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

musiclovingmom posted 3/25/2013 22:24 PM

I confirmed that I was pregnant on 8/15. My DDay was 8/16. I was also pregnant when his longest EA/PA started. I have been extremely paranoid. All of my emotions are intensified. I feel a huge need to fix as much as possible before I deliver since the EA turned PA shortly after my last delivery. However, it has given my H countless opportunities to show his love, care, concern for me. It is also comforting to know that him caring for me through pregnancy and delivery is something he has never shared with anyone else. There are definitely ups and downs.

Hearthache again posted 3/25/2013 23:55 PM

I was 18 weeks pregnant with our 4th when I found out. I got pregnant after his 2nd A ended but before discovery. It was hard. Pregnancy intensifies everything.

Our situation seems to be working out very well, but not all do. The pregnancy and our son had nothing to do with R. Yes it did make me stay at first but it was my H actions that made me finally say yes I want to R. And not 3 years later after him making some major changes I can say we are R. We still have struggles but that is to be expected.

kourt090 posted 3/26/2013 00:09 AM

WH and I conceived our son about a month after DDay. Long story short, we had been trying to get pregnant for a few months prior to DDay anyway and we both were committed to R, so because we weren't doing it as a way to SAVE our marriage, our MC said it probably wasn't a BAD idea. Anyway, for us, it was a good thing. We did not allow the pregnancy to enable rug sweeping - we still worked through every emotion and issue - but it sort of gave us both a new sense of commitment. It's like it gave us a light at the end of the tunnel. It was something to look forward to and so in some way it felt like we were working toward something TOGETHER in the midst of all of the A chaos. Also, for me it felt like it gave us a new chapter to our lives, one that OW has not been able to taint. See, she was a part of the life we had BEFORE our son ever existed in this world. Yes, we have dealt with the A since conceiving but the A was over. Anyway, for us it was great. We now have a very happy, very healthy 3 month old who is the absolute light of our lives. We have "graduated" from MC and R is going well. Sure, there are still hard days and truly I think about the A and OW every single day but my LIFE has moved forward and grown. And like I said earlier, OW has not been able to taint this part of my life. If I had it to do over again, I would still get pregnant post DDay. It was good for FWH and I and I am so grateful for my darling baby boy.

VD2012 posted 3/26/2013 09:47 AM

My wife got pregnant about 3 months after D-Day and is due in a few weeks. 2 days after D-Day to be precise. Which I find weird as it's the day no contact was firmly established and we agreed to try and make this work. It was unexpected, as we were not careful and should have been. Yay hysterical bonding...

We have both agreed it is not a great time and if anything would have been something to talk about in a few years at least. Here we are regardless. We'd previously talked about having another a few months prior to her erratic behaviour starting so we weren't ill-prepared for the idea, just bad timing.

All that said, the pregnancy is a separate issue to our reconciliation. It honestly has helped bring us together in many ways, bonding over future possibilities and planning for our son's arrival. It hasn't hindered us really. Yet I can't say it's helped with reconciliation either. Us being healthy partners for each other and good parents for our child(ren) are two separate things. It's slightly complicated things, but we've also had talks about how we'd co-parent should we not be together in the future, how we'd handle custody and other issues. Kid's are responsibilities that shouldn't be burdened with "saving" the marriage. I'm not certain if your wife is pregnant or you guys plan to. I'd suggest waiting until you're solidly reconciled before trying to conceive if that's the case.

Also as a fellow betrayed husband to another, be prepared to be told to get a paternity test and/or questioned if it's your's should you talk about it with certain people. A member here in the Betrayed Men's thread in ICR harangued me about that months ago, so I tend to avoid it now. I admit there's that small dreadful doubt of "what if he's not mine" but I'm reasonably certain he is. Just letting ya know that's a unique issue for betrayed husbands.

ETA: I just read through some of your previous posts, and wanted to ask is your wife currently pregnant? And is it her AP's?

[This message edited by VD2012 at 8:17 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 3/26/2013 10:47 AM

I'm pregnant now and we're well into our second year of R. Honestly, it's hard. My emotions are on high alert because of the pregnancy and it's easy to go back to D-day emotions. It's added to the rollercoaster but it was a conscious choice.

I certainly would not have gotten pregnant had the first year of R not been "perfect"- IC, MC, transparency, etc.

Knowing posted 3/26/2013 11:53 AM

I got pregnant a few months after DDay during our HB phase and lost the pregnancy at 10 weeks. It definitely added a layer of urgency to R. It also added tremendous stress during an already stressful time. It took my attention away from R as well. I think it's better to concentrate on one big life event at a time, if it can be helped.

thebirdcage posted 5/20/2013 16:48 PM

We lost our first baby in March 2013. Dday was in April 2013. I just found out I am pregnant again. And I am terrified. I know in my heart that we both really wanted our first child who didn't make it. And I know we both really want this child as well. It's just horrible timing. I'm dealing with the grief of loosing my son and the grief of the affair. I knew a few weeks after dday that we wanted to R and he was been wonderful (IC/MC/transparency/ communication... All that).

We weren't trying to get pregnant. For several reasons. I have a condition however where I cannot be on birth control, so it just happened. Feelings = excited to have a second chance at having my family. Terrified that he is going to cheat again and ill be a single mom, nauseous about telling my family who are so involved and protective of me and against R, embarrassed for even having sex with him after dday, stupid for the same reason, scared that I will loose this baby too. I am considered high risk and doctors told me that my second pregnancy will be extremely stressful (in a normal relationship)- and here we are. Dealing with a high risk pregnancy, R, the loss of our sweet boy and then all the little complications: me living with my mom, finances, my family and friends by approving of him. All in the span of 3 months. 2013 has been the biggest challenge. And I honestly am just trying to stay calm for my baby. I have hope. I guess that's a good thing. But after the A happened I don't really trust myself anymore because I was so certain that he would never do that in the first place. So how can I trust my heart that is telling me he won't do it again?? Everyone is going to think I am the bigger idiot in the world. I haven't told a soul I'm pregnant.. Except him.

Any advice or success stories?

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