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DD all over again

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Naivete123 posted 3/25/2013 21:00 PM

So husband had conveniently delete emails to OW. Using the excuse he didn't want temptation and reminders. Of course I was upset, but he was willing to give me access to phone and emails. So I looked in his emails last night, and got upset about a discrepancy in some dates. We talked again. He expressed remorse. But I had to see what was said. So I was able to recover deleted messages on his hotmail account. At least I have the truth. But unfortunately I am my wits end. I gave him número use times to come clean. He'd say he couldn't remember details. Last email I came across , after he said he broke it off in February, this was dated 3/13 - right before I confronted him about the affair...."I miss you too... I have thought quite a bit about you today especially, but have been crazy busy this week. Will write more once I'm in (blank) tonight... Sleep tight, dear." He was out of town on business trip. I also came across emails and sexy pics from a stripper in Las Vegas that he had been carrying on with for a year, up until he started the affair. Another thing that pisses me off, I found out OW was actually hired by him and worked as his employee for a year.

He's at work, so I called his bluff and texted him I need space and wanted to go home. He texted back "I don't want you to leave, but I will buy your ticket if you want." "Can you give it a few days?"

I am so angry, hurt...I can't even think straight. I can't even breath.

Naivete123 posted 3/25/2013 21:19 PM

So WS just sent an email to his family telling them about the affair.

Jrazz posted 3/25/2013 21:28 PM

Well that email he just sent to his family is a surprise.

My response to this thread would have looked a lot different... but the fact that he seems to be seeking community accountability is actually a good thing.

I'm so sorry for the new DDay. When we give up our sources we leave ourselves vulnerable to them taking it deeper underground, which appeared to be the case.

Is he willing to get into counseling? It feels scary and hopeless sometimes, but the fact that he is publicly outing himself may actually be a step in the right direction.

Hang in there. Breathe. Take care of yourself. It starts with loud declarations of NC to the AP's, and complete disclosure to you of everything.


noprincess posted 3/26/2013 08:24 AM

Hi Naivete123,

So sorry for your new D-Day. I know how much you are hurting.

After D-Days are such a crazy, messy time. Your wounded and broken yet need to be on your game, going all CSI, playing detective - like you can spare the little bit of sanity you have for that right?

As Jrazz pointed out though, it is encouraging that he has outed himself with family. I've actually never heard of anyone doing that. It appears that he's willing to face consequences and actions matter now. Really, because you H is a proven liar - actions are all that matter.

It does appear that he's taken it underground - at least for a time. Tread lightly here because of the discovery of the photo of the prostitue in Vegas, there may be more to come. This is very similar to my situation. Two D-Days with GF and then D-Day #3, I discovered he'd been seeing the pros too!

Stay strong Naivete123 so many hugs to you!

Naivete123 posted 3/26/2013 08:58 AM

Thank you. My more rational self has realized that this is a good thing. We have talked more, and I finally believe he knows now what needs to be done to truly reconcile.

Heavy Sigh posted 3/26/2013 09:44 AM

Multiple OW (two is multiple - one of them a stripper who likely emails him to get more cash from him as a scam) means that his chances of staying faithful on his own without counseling are slim. He has a pattern. Stopping that pattern while in crisis to save his marriage is like white-knuckling sobriety. Sooner or later, he might break his "sobriety" from outside sex.

The problem with talking to them face-to-face is that they get all puppy-eyed and we think we are hearing promises and actions and what they didn't really say - and we assume all this lovey crap they said when they did not promise how to rebuild trust through transparency.

He needs to put it in writing, you need a post-nup and why did he tell his family this time? Was it because you're from the same hometown and if you showed up without him they would know something was wrong? Would you leaving him affect his status in some way other than marriage?

If I were you, I'd go home, leave him alone in your house, institute the VOA somewhere while you're gone to capture his voice on phone or Skype if he contacts any OW. If he doesn't, you've "caught him being good" and it will build trust. If he calls OW or strippers while you're gone, you'll know sooner rather than later, and sooner does less damage to you financially and emotionally.

Ask him if OW employee will be filing a harassment claim against him if he dumps her or finds out she was seeing him while he was also seeing a stripper?

And get whatever he promises to do IN WRITING (email will do so they can't deny later what they promised) and in specific action and none of that "oh baby please.. I love you" crap that they use to distract from making promises.

I'd also get my ducks in a row financially, because for all you know, he delayed you from leaving so he could do the same thing. Ask for legal advice to make sure he can't jack up the credit cards so that you'd have to pay half if you separate later, in effect giving him half of that loan as "free money" for strippers and girlfriends while you have to pay it off.

Now is the time for you to look at your life and figure out what you'll need if you split. Do it without emotion. Get a separate bank account. Insist on knowing the family finances and expenditures even if you're a SAHM because you deserve to know it. You don't want to find out five years from now that he gives thousands a year to a stripper instead of putting it into retirement or kids' college fund.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:51 AM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

Heavy Sigh posted 3/26/2013 10:00 AM

Also, be careful. I read your profile. He has a lot to lose if you move away and take the kids with you. And has a woman waiting in the wings, ready an waiting if he wants.

Naivete123 posted 3/27/2013 21:42 PM

After some TT, I finally have complete transparency from WS. I have contacted WS family on my own volition. I wanted to let them know the events that led up to WS email confession of his affair. WS family has expressed full support for whatever decisions we make re our marriage, and has promised to remain neutral, but will give me whatever support I and our children may require of them. My MIL even expressed relief of WS full accountability to family and especially to me.

OW had a hard time letting go. OW did not believe WS when he told her I knew about affair and he needed to NC with her, so he could focus on his marriage. OW went ballistic and called him at work(mind you there is a 13hr time diff) and started yelling and screaming he couldn't do this to her. He eventually had to forward my email to her, to show proof that I knew. I believe OW eyes were open to reality and she sent WS this email " I forgot to mention in my last note that I removed you from my friend list both on facebook and linkedin. Since you told me that you opened up your old email address to your wife, I am not sure how much you have exposed the notes I sent to you to her, partially or the whole. Either way, I assume she should know my name now, so it is better to disconnect those connections with you. I would like to be your friend if I could. I hope you have a better relationship with your wife now. It looks like you did make a lot of efforts to get her trust back, which is good. And I guess all the notes/pictures I sent to you are totally gone now.

Sounds like your cold is getting better today.

Take care,


WS wrote NC to OW and copied me on it. Even though company policy does not allow them to share company emails, I told him he will have too, and I promised to delete them once I read the ones from OW. He has agreed to this. He made his first IC appt.

So this is where we are now. I am trying daily to focus on my 180 and children.

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