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Betrayed444 posted 3/25/2013 22:44 PM

Hello all. I haven't told my story yet, I don't even know where to begin. Every time I present evidence to my WW about her whereabouts on certain dates and times she " doesn't remember" and wants to see my evidence. It wasn't long ago. I confronted OM. It was confirmed and she confessed only to what I know. What's the deal?

Hearthache again posted 3/25/2013 23:10 PM

Your WW is deep in denial and the fog of the affair. There are numerous stories on here about this same thing. WS 101 states they will deny until they can not anymore.

Sorry you are going through this. Please read what you can in the healing library. Reading as much as possible helped me a lot.

5454real posted 3/25/2013 23:26 PM

Right now, your WW's biggest regret is getting caught. When she begins to feel remorse, she will come to you with details.

Welcome to the best club no-one ever wanted to join. Sorry you're here glad you made it.

Please check out the healing library in the upper left hand corner. There is some fabulous information contained within. It's gonna answer a lot of your questions, and probably even some you haven't thought of yet.

How are you doing? Please make sure you're taking care of yourself. Drink lots of fluids. Eat when and if you can. Are you able to sleep? If not, it's ok to seek professional assistance. On that note, get tested for STD's. Avoid unprotected sex with WW til she's tested too. Unfortunately, in the land of rainbow farting unicorns where she is, STD's are probably non-existent. Or possibly, he's a 'good' man who wouldn't have done this before.

Sorry you're here


ETA Does the OM's BW know? Please, inform her. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you?

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:29 PM, March 25th (Monday)]

Betrayed444 posted 3/25/2013 23:42 PM

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:52 PM, March 25th (Monday)]

Betrayed444 posted 3/25/2013 23:51 PM

Thank you very much for your responses. She seems to want to reconcile but still gets upset and walks away when I broach the subject. She will get angry or state that she has told me everything which really is nothing. The standard low ball figure on sex, twice over approximately four weeks and went to his home twice then became three times. Sex was clumsy and awful and she just wanted to get home. The basic standard answers to keep me at bay although phone and texts activity were very very active.
She was upset at getting caught. She had no concerns for myself or my 2 young boys, 4 and 6. I'm on the fence about divorce or reconciliation. Ill be a single dad. She doesn't understand that I need her to be forthright about the affair for me to make my decision.

5454real posted 3/26/2013 00:08 AM

Demand full transparency(phone, e-mail texts), don't ask. Have her provide a timeline of events 'to the best of her memory'. Call her on bullsh.. answers. Have her create and send a no-contact letter to the OM.

Gets upset and walks away? Initiate N/C with her except as it relates to children and finances. Follow that up with a visit to a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row to divorce. Doesn't mean you have to file, just discover your options. Ask her where she plans to live after the D. Don't use it as an idle threat. See the lawyer, get the ball rolling. Force her to see the consequences of her actions. Protect the kids.

Nothing you did made her have an affair.(Unless you held a gun to her head and forced her onto his penis). It was her choice. Marriage issues? Sure, we've all got em. Rather than fix the problem, she made a different decision. Don't let her shift any of the blame on you.

Sounds like you're making a good start.


Betrayed444 posted 3/26/2013 11:59 AM

Thanks 545. It's difficult

Beautifulmind posted 3/26/2013 12:19 PM

Betrayed 444,
It is DIFFICULT but absolutely necessary. The "Fog" is an mother effer and all you can control is what YOU do. Empower yourself and do things for you. IMO you have to be 100% ready and willing to Leave your marriage in order to pull them out of this fog and save the M.
Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Betrayed444 posted 3/26/2013 12:34 PM

Thank you and understood. My "best friend" is gone. I haven't even the fortitude at this time and write the forthcoming novel to get it off my chest. I don't know who she is, where she went, and if ill ever see her again. Her once sharp memory is fragmented. She thinks I'm a fool.

DWBH posted 3/26/2013 12:40 PM

So sorry you find yourself here... it may be more beneficial to post in "Just Found Out"... share your story there... your W is no where near recon-material yet.

Take Care.

Jrazz posted 3/26/2013 12:43 PM

Take your time with that novel, B444. I remember being afraid to type because it would hurt too much.... getting all that reality out.

Take care of yourself. That's your main job right now. Check out our Healing Library for survival tips and tricks. Know that you're not alone, and that you're going to be ok.


confused615 posted 3/26/2013 12:49 PM

"I don't know/remember" = "I know but Im not going to tell you because it will just make you madder at me,or more sad,and I don't want to deal with that. I am still being selfish and protecting myself,and *I* get to decide what you get to know about me and this marriage."

Betrayed444 posted 3/26/2013 12:51 PM

That is awesome. Thank you

Betrayed444 posted 3/26/2013 12:58 PM

I have wanted to post in the just found out. My DDays were 11/14 and 12/8. Two people. It's very complicated. Karma has also been involved in a big way. This site has been tremendous

wifehad5 posted 3/26/2013 12:58 PM

PM for you Betrayed444

Shockleader posted 3/26/2013 13:08 PM

I don't think it's FOG at all, more like CYA, catch me if you can, I'll string you along, TT, and compare stories with OPOS M Fuckers is what it/they are.

It ain't FOG, it's smoke these cowards want to blow up your ass, act "dumb", play the meaning of is shit. BTW, please, DO NOT consider a damn word WW or OPOS co-cheater say as anything but collaborative lies. I say hammer her ass hard (D right now), and see how that might snap her memory into high acuity... If it doesn't, great!, that much closer to a great life without her.

Best of luck friend.

Edit fer spillin

[This message edited by Shockleader at 1:09 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

confused615 posted 3/26/2013 13:27 PM

"The fog" is just a way of describing a wayward's selfish mememememe attitude. It's not a medical condition. Well,unless having your head up your ass counts.

Betrayed444 posted 3/26/2013 14:16 PM

It's not a fog. She's covering her six. She is deliberately holding back because one of her concerns is me using it against her in court. Another is that hopefully well reconcile and she can sweep it under the rug. Her stance is basically show me the proof then I might confirm it.

confused615 posted 3/26/2013 14:17 PM

Show her nothing.

You don't have to reveal your sources.

YOU know what she has done because you have seen the evidence...and she knows what she has done.

This isn't a court of don't have to prove shit to her.

NEVER reveal your sources.

Jospehine85 posted 3/26/2013 14:31 PM

So sorry for you Betrayed444.

Do go see a lawyer. You need to know what your rights are, what likely custody arrangements will occur, if the affair will have any bearing on a divorce settlement.

You will feel safer after you know your rights and what is likely to happen if you chose D.

Very, very few WS seem to confess all on Dday. On these forums the majority dribble out the truth over the first couple months.

Keep in mind, the overriding emotion your WW is probably feeling is SHAME. Having to tell you specifics probably feels like she is having her nose rubbed in her own poo. Withholding info makes her feel like she is retaining dignity.

You might want to point out to her that the likelihood of you batting 1000 and finding ALL the info is close to zilch. So the fact that she has confessed to only what she THINKS (insinuate you know more that you haven't revealed) you know, pretty much means there is more.

Do NOT tell her the info you know. Do not tell her where you got it.

Is she in IC?

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